My husband and I are fine connoisseurs of terrible movies. It’s basically our go-to date night activity. So we have seen quite a handful of UNBELIEVABLY poor-quality movies, more than enough for me to put together a “Top 5”.
I will say to those who share our hobby, most of the movies on this list are “trash classics”. So if you are looking for an undiscovered cult experience… that may have to wait for another day. However, if you are new to the ironic B-movie movement. Welcome! This is a good list for you:
5. ALL THE SHARK MOVIES…
We have seen A LOT of campy shark movies, the most entertaining being “Sharktopus” down to the studiest “Avalanche sharks”. Not to mention: 2-Headed Shark Attack, Shark Lake, Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark, Mega Shark vs. Crocosauras, Sharknado 1 through whatever, Sandsharks and even Shark Exorcist.
Quick sum up:
Monster shark is a mindless people-eating-machine that cannot be stopped.
For their exact same plot as the original Jaws film, I’m giving this entire genre an award for Dumbest Adapted/Stolen Screenplay.
4. The Room
This is considered “The Citizen Kane” of bad movies, and honestly I could not agree more. It has so many big dramatic plot twists that for some reason are only mentioned once and are never talked about ever again (like the neighbor kid’s drug problem and a mom who has breast cancer). Some of the weirdest lines I’ve ever heard come from this movie, like “Leave your stupid comments in your pocket”. Also he has framed pictures of spoons all over his house…
Quick Sum Up:
Everyone loves Tommy except for his backstabbing evil fiancée Lisa. After Lisa begins to have an affair with his best friend things get VERY dramatic.
For this movie, I’m giving Tommy Wiseau the Best Unintentionally Comedic Actor Award and Most Bat-Shiz Crazy Director Award.
3. Birdemic: Shock and Terror
No other movie will make you say, “What was that?” like this movie will. They have several casual picnics DURING the killer bird rampage. And the “Birdemic” doesn’t even start until like 45 minutes into the movie. This one is entertaining but painful. If you chose to watch this one be prepared to see every moment of the main characters day to day routine… like gassing up their cars after work and a three minute business meeting scene of just straight up clapping.
Quick Sum Up:
Natalie and Rod are falling in love and having fun… until the town is terrorized by killer eagles that can spit acid. Apparently the birds started killing everyone due to climate change? Just give peace a chance.
Birdemic sweeps my aCRAPemy awards with Stupidest Visual Effects, Crappiest Film Editing and Most Questionable Sound Editing. Birdemic also earns a Best Worst Original Song Award for its hit “Hanging Out With My Family” and I’m unapologetically giving the woman who played Natalie’s mom Best Actress in a Supporting Role.
2. Troll 2
We LOVE this movie. Anytime we invite someone over to our house we force them to watch this movie. It’s truly a vision. You just have to see it to believe. And if you’re wondering whether you have to see the first Troll beforehand… don’t worry, it’s not a sequel to anything and there aren’t even “Trolls” in it.
Quick Sum Up:
Joshua and his family go on vacation to Nilbog, only to discover that it’s the Goblin capital of the world! Only Josh’s dead grandpa can help to destroy these vegetarian goblins that turn people into plants before eating them.
Deborah Reed’s portrayal of “The Goblin Queen” earns her a Best Over-the-top Performance Award, while the film itself receives Craziest Art Direction, Most Hilarious Costume Design and Possibly a Foreign Language Film…
And the award for Overall WORST picture goes to…
1. Fateful Findings
I didn’t know it was possible to mess up every single component of a movie, but Fateful Findings enlightens me on just how bad film-making can be. I understand that a lot of movies on this list were American movies made by foreign directors and that there were some language barrier issues. But this guy… it’s like an alien director tried to make an Earth movie.
Quick sum up:
Oh man… okay.
Soooo this guy hacks into secret government files with the use of his teleportation crystal powers… I think? He goes to the hospital and falls in love with the neurosurgeon / childhood girlfriend who helps to heal him through magic crystal power… maybe? His wife becomes addicted to his painkillers while his drunk neighbor is murdered for some reason? He also has two therapists, one who’s like… a ghost? A bunch of laptops and salad falls to the ground but doesn’t stop Neil Breen from exposing the president of “The Bank”.
Along with Worst Picture, I’m also giving this film an award for Weirdest Cinematography and Most Confusing Original Screenplay.
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