Kids Say the Darndest (Oct 2021)

Jack kept requesting this video that he called “Stinky Nose”. And we could not figure out for the life of us what “Stinky Nose” was. We were typing it full out into the YouTube search and everything and couldn’t find it. Then finally we discovered that it was a video where they put “sticky notes” all over someone’s house and apparently Jack thinks they’re called “stinky nose”.


Right after installing our Google assistant:
CASEY: Hey Google, can I have a cookie?


ME: Tomorrow you’re going to be three!
CASEY: No, I’m not going to be three. I’m going to be fourteen.
JACK: Then you would be a grown-up


ME: How old are you?
CASEY: THREE!
ME: That’s right! *goes to give a high five*
CASEY: No, this many. *puts two of my fingers down*


JACK: (out of nowhere) We don’t flush cats down the toilet right?
ME: … what?
JACK: Because then people would be sad their pet was gone.


GRANDMA: It’s available for pick up
CASEY: No not “pick up”, it’s called a “hiccup”, grandma.


*Opens a dumdum sucker.*
JACK: Ooh that looks like Saturn!


Found out this month that both of my kids think a mummy is called a “mommy”.


DAN: (teasing) Are you a bus?
CASEY: No, I’m a Casey
DAN: *grabs his foot* Is this your tire?
CASEY: …
*a full minute later*
CASEY: (to himself) I’m a bus.


JACK: I like you
ME: I like you too!
JACK: Yeah we both like us!

Detective Big Nose – The Mummy

And now another tantalizing mystery from the detective series I wrote in 1997…

“A mummy? (This one’s harder)” “Clue: the jewel is red.” “How and who stole the jewel? Let’s find out!”
“Hey! What’s this?”
“The Fox Rest Place”
“What’s this?”
“Oh no!” cries Big Nose. “The mummy!”
The mummy runs away.
“It’s a picture of Carter. And he has something red,” Maggie said.
“Hmm,” says Big Nose. “I think it’s the jewel,” said Big Nose, pointing to it.
“Meanwhile at Carters…
‘Carter, what’s this?’ Big Nose asked.
‘My bouncy ball,’ Carter says. ‘But if I’m the mummy how come I saw the mummy?’
‘Tell the story,’ Big Nose says pulling out a chair.
‘Well, it was 5:00 when I saw the mummy with the jewel.’
Big Nose thought. ‘Which window?’
‘Just out this west window.’
A huge smile danced across Big Nose’s face. ‘5:00 pm?’
Carter thought. ‘Yes.’
Big Nose slapped some handcuffs across Carter’s wrists.
How did Big Nose know it was Carter?

‘Here’s how: Do you look out a window with the sun shining into it? If Carter looked out a west window, if it was 5:00 PM it would be shining in his eyes, he would have seen nothing.

THE END lol

Resolutions Update: Fall Quarter

4th Quarter: Resolutions Update (October)

Final inning…

MAKE A LIST OF THINGS TO PUT TOGETHER IN THE NEW HOUSE; DO SOME OF THE THINGS

I’m okay with how this is going. I’m not going to be able to do the entire list but we’ve done a HUGE chunk of it. I’m pleased with our progress. I’ll likely have to re-look at the list next year and tweak things since different needs come up. But so far this is going well.

MAKE A HABIT OF STRETCHING EVERY DAY, SLOWLY BUILD UP A YOGA ROUTINE

Okay. So every day has been tough for me. BUT… one of my best friends and I have decided to do an online yoga class together once a week and that has really helped me out. AT LEAST it’s regular. You know what I mean? AT LEAST it’s something!

CLEAN WHILE THE BOYS ARE IN THE BATH

Yeah, so Jack going to school changed this dynamic dramatically. I now have the ability to create a cleaning schedule like I’ve always wanted. Originally, I had a different cleaning task every day, but then I noticed that I would get burnt out on Thursday and Friday and have a harder time finishing those tasks. SO instead of forcing myself to go through with it, I decided to work with it. And I rescheduled all my cleaning tasks to be done by Wednesday. And that helped a LOT! When I was able to relax my expectation and align my goals with my psyche that REALLY yielded a lot of success.

Which speaking of…

WRITING WRITING EVERYWHERE

I’ve mentioned before that I have this tendency to steam roller into a project and then get burnt out at thirty thousand words. (To paint a picture, I now have FIVE separate novels idling at 30K. Two paranormal thrillers and three contemporary rom coms) SO I sat down and was like… okay, I have this specific problem… I need to work with myself here…

And I plotted a new story. A novella. That would cap at 30k.

The logic here was Hey, man. If writing 30K of a book is what I felt like I could consistently handle. Then I should just make THAT the goal.

And I wrote that novella in less than three weeks.

I GOT A FIRST DRAFT DONE BY FALL. YESSSSSSS. So after that success, I’ve been thinking about things a lot. A lot lot. And I have some exciting news to tell you very soon! Stay tuuuuuned

Kids Say the Darndest Things (September)

Casey started playing this game where you had to run away from a pretend monster before he gets you. And one time when Dan was playing he named the monster “Mr. Play Dough Head” (for whatever reason). But it stuck and that became the game, running away from Mr. Play Dough Head. Then one night I left Casey alone in the kitchen to wash my hands and he started screaming bloody murder. When I came back he was crying and shaking. I frantically asked what was wrong and he said, “Mr. Play Dough Head is going to eat me!” So at some point Casey decided this was no longer a game, this was now a real threat in our house. And that’s how my poor two year old developed a Mr. Play Dough Head phobia.


ME: It’s fall! Do you know what that means? Do you know what’s going to happen soon?

JACK: Yeah, that’s when you drive over the spikes and the wheels pop and we crash.

ME: wtf … I was gonna say Halloween.


CASEY: I’m a dog. Woof woof. I like to taste you. *licks my arm*


Jack was walking around slowly with his head tilted backward.

DAN: What are you doing, buddy? Are you pretending to be a zombie?

JACK: No. I’m just lookin’ at the air.


CASEY: Can you take this band-aid off my banana? *points to the sticker*


DAN: There’s a dragonfly on that branch. Can you see?

JACK: Yeah, I can see everything. I have two eyes.


Everyone else at Chase Field: *clap, clap, clap-clap-clap* LET’S GO D-BACKS!

My two year old: *clap, clap, clap-clap-clap* LET’S GO PEE PANTS!


JACK: Hey Mom, do you know all the coconuts?

ME: … what?

JACK: Like this *singing* Tell me the coconuts. Tell me the coconuts. Tell me the coconuts now… South America, North America, Central America too…

ME: … do you mean “continents”?

JACK: No, it’s just at school.


We put Casey forward facing in the van and now he backseat drives like no bodies business.

CASEY: GREEN MEANS GO, MOM. DRIVE. … see? I helped you.


I was playing with Jack when suddenly he gently brushed my hair behind my ear.

JACK: I really love you like that.

The Payoff

I’m sharing this story on the request of my mother, who wanted me to write it down.

Sometimes as a mom you feel like your efforts are fruitless. And I mean that. You try and try and try to get a certain thing through and you don’t see any movement at all. It can make it really difficult to keep pressing forward. For example, some days I feel over the top trying to get my boys to express their emotions and deal with them in a healthy way. And I felt like nothing was seeking in.

Well, I got lucky. One day, I got to see the payoff.

I was having a hard day. Trying to get my two year old to eat is like trying to stick the wrong end of two magnets together. It’s just NOT going to happen somedays. So I was trying and trying and trying and somehow during the shuffle a full glass of juice got knocked onto the floor. CRASH SPLASH!

I could feel myself on the verge of exploding. But I FORCED myself to be that freaking mom from Daniel Tiger and make my emotions clear but soft. I said, “I’m feeling very mad and I need to take a time out in my room!”

And then I left into my bedroom to cry.

It was quiet in the kitchen. Very quiet. And then suddenly I heard little feet shuffling and the pantry door open. Meanwhile, the bedroom door creaked open and my two-year-old sat on my lap. He put his hands gently on my cheeks and I heard my own words come back to me.

“Are you sad, Mommy? It helps to say it. You can say it, you can say, ‘I’m sad’.”

Through my tears I blurted out, “I’m sad.” And then I surprised myself by adding, “Mommy’s sad because Daddy is gone at work all day and Mommy is so tired.”

!!! I didn’t even know that’s why I was overwhelmed until my two-year-old got me to say it!

He then told me that I needed a ‘sad song” and began to sing it. ‘The sad song’ is a song that I invented and sing to my boys when they cry. These are the words:

It’s okay to be sad.

It’s okay to be mad.

But if you scream, hurt or throw that’s bad.

So put your hand on your heart,

And count to four really slow.

One… two… three… four

Now, quick! Tell me what color is your toe!

Hahaha! I don’t know. But it DID make me feel better! I had stopped crying. I went back into the kitchen where I found my actual four-year-old, MOPPING UP THE JUICE with a Swiffer! I probably started crying again. Jack put the mop away. And then suddenly, Casey was eating his lunch.

I guess the moral of the story is that you never know your impact. Most of the time, you feel like you don’t have ANY impact at all. But you really do! They remember what you say and how you act. My boys knew EXACTLY what to do for me when I was sad and it meant all the world to me.

Detective Big Nose – PART ONE

1997/1998 I was seven years old and BIG on mysteries. I was completely hooked on Scooby-Doo. I checked out a lot of Hardy Boys from the library. It was totally my jam. So I created my OWN Sherlock-Holmes-type detective called Detective Big Nose and wrote a series. I hope you enjoy.

“Try to catch the thief to put in jail. Clues down: Follow the foot prints. The Bear, Episode One”
“Hi Randy.” (I just thought I was SO funny to reveal the villain right off the bat.)
“Ha! The Bank! Let’s go inside.” “Look at other pages”
“Bear.” “Maddison fainted because of the bear.” “Sarah.”
“Where’s Randy?” said Big Nose. “And Maddison?” Sarah added. “Look! Maddison and a bear,” Sarah added again. “That’s NO bear,” he said coming near it. “That’s Randy!” He took off the mask. For all time they thought Randy was the thief.

Join me next month for another installment of Detective Big Nose.

The Card Shuffle

I had a really weird experience the other day and decided to write about it. It might seem small or dumb, but bear with me here!

I was playing Uno with my kids, which requires a healthy amount of card shuffling between each game. … Now, I’ve never been able to shuffle. Since I was a kid, I would just kind of mix up the cards. Spread ‘em around on the ground. Or just give them to someone else! But something weird happened in my brain when I was playing with my kids. I thought

I’m going to try to shuffle these cards.

And I did it perfectly without hesitation. Shhhhhhffffft. I could even do the bridge. Fwwffffftttt.

That blew my mind. Because here I was, a woman on the cusp of thirty-one years old. And all my life I had been actively TELLING MYSELF that I did not know how to shuffle cards. I had NEVER TRIED TO SHUFFLE A DECK OF CARDS. I was just telling myself not to do it and that I didn’t know how. But I never once split a deck and actually tried to do it.

I cannot tell you how freaky this experience was for me. It was like The Truman Show. My whole reality is in question now. What else have I been telling myself I can’t do??? What else have I been telling myself I don’t enjoy? What else have I been telling myself “that’s bad”.

So that’s it. Deconstruct your Truman Show set! You can do whatever you want! You can like whatever you want! You can be you! That is all! I love you

Kids Say the Darndest Things (Aug 2021)

JACK: Your butt is big, Mom.

ME: Okay, thanks.

JACK: I mean, it’s super DUPER big.

ME: Okay! I got it!


CASEY: (spinning) I’m dizzy!

ME: (making a dumb Dad Joke) What do you want to do, Dizzy?

CASEY: I want to go to Dizzy-land!


Lately Casey has been calling Jack, “my Jack”. Like, “Where is my Jack?” “There’s my Jack! My Jack is back!” He also has been insisting that they wear the same color of shirt everyday. So today, when he saw Jack was wearing a red shirt, he demanded to be changed out of his blue shirt.

CASEY: I don’t match my Jack! No, I need to match my Jack!


A wasp landed on Jack Heroically, Dan swatted it away.

JACK: No I wanted him! He liked me!


We went on a hike and my two-year-old starting singing aloud every single thing that was happening.

CASEY: (cheerful singing) There’s lots of sand. And lots of mud. I’m farting. I farted and mommy laughed.


The boys caught a cold.

ME: (checking in) How are you feeling?

JACK: I feel better.

CASEY: I feel cough.


On the same note. Casey’s cough worsened, which always aggravates his sensitive gag reflex. After the grossest sounding cough turned hacking gag/possible slight puke, he turns to me and very calmly and politely says

CASEY: I have a little cough.


ME: Coconuts.

JACK: Cock and nuts?

ME: That’s definitely not how you pronounce it…


A while ago, I wrote about Jack mispronouncing the word “freckle”. The other day, Dan and I learned that Casey calls it “a peckle”. And this is my official petition to change the word freckle to peckle.

Going to NYC with my Dad

One of my closest friends adores New York more than anywhere else in the world. And he ALWAYS would tell me with such confidence how I would love it too. How I “belong in New York” and how I would “fit there so well”.

At thirty years old I had never been there! I wasn’t sure about “belonging” in New York, but knew it fit a lot of my special interests. The big publishing houses, Broadway, Ghostbusters. Plus New York was also once the home of two of my favorite hairy island transplants… King Kong AND John Lennon.

So when I mentioned to my parents a desire to go there, my dad started joking that he would use his sky miles to whisk me away there some weekend. Which I never ever thought would ACTUALLY happen.

Daniel had this miraculous day off work in the summer. And we were racking our brains trying to think of what family vacation we wanted to do. San Diego is only a five hour drive, but we knew the beach would be PACKED on the weekend and a lot of things were limited due to COVID.

Traveling with two little kids can be pretty rough. And it was tricky trying to come up with somewhere cool to go that the boys would also enjoy. So one night when we were discussing possible plans, Dan asked me where I would choose to go, if the kids weren’t a factor at all.

I told him about the weird NYC joke with my dad and he was like, “well… do you think your dad is busy the last weekend of July??”

I didn’t think he would be available with his hyper busy schedule, but it turned out HE WAS! Our joke suddenly turned into a real actual plan! We would instead take the boys to The Great Wolf Lodge in the fall (which is Jack’s dream anyway) and I would go with just my dad to New York for an early birthday present!

SATURDAY

The first day was a travel day and almost nothing else. A four-hour flight plus time change equals all day haha. My dad had gotten us upgraded to first class and it was incredible! Each seat was like its own little cubicle where you can lay down the seat like a bed and have all this space around you. (I sincerely hope someone reads this in the future and laughs because all the airplane seats have become like this)

Anyway, it was a very swanky trip in. Swanky first-class seats, swanky hotel, swanky upgrade in the hotel and we even ended up walking to a swanky restaurant.

The restaurant was funny because my Dad and I were totally out of our element in our disheveled travel clothes. I was wearing leggings and a Back to the Future tee shirt… at a super expensive restaurant off Madison Avenue. It’s not that we knew we were going to end up there. We just walked the street and popped into a random place and then once they pulled the chairs out for us and handed us the menu with the prices it was too late lol. But I had a really, really good shrimp risotto and a crème brûlée at the end. My dad had a less fortunate clam and mussel pasta and we both agreed that we should have gone to the Mediterranean place around the corner.

That night my dad and I stayed up and talked into the night. Late night conversations are my ultimate love language, because that’s when you really get a chance to share your deepest thoughts or dumbest jokes.

SUNDAY

The next morning we decided to walk somewhere for breakfast. We were going to hail a cab, but on Sunday morning the streets were very quiet (which I loved!) so we walked the twenty minutes. Not even halfway through we got caught in a sudden rain (which I also loved to be honest). It was all magical to me.

I was surprised how quickly I had fallen in love with New York City. I don’t know what kind of an expectation I had, but this place definitely exceeded them. I really thought it was a bunch of gray rectangular buildings with ordinary rectangular windows. Sort of like how they always cartoonize New York. But that is NOT true. Every single separate building is an architectural wonder. The stonework, the small details. You really have to be THERE out on the street to see how cool New York is. So many movies have used New York City as a backdrop that I had become desensitized to its coolness. Thinking “oh, this is like a set”. But then when you’re out there on the streets walking around with your jaw hanging open, you’re going “wow!! This is like a set.”

I remembered what my friend had said about me “fitting into New York” which made me snort and roll my eyes. I was wearing a jumper dress I bought from Walmart with my black opaque tights and light gray tennies. I did not FEEL like I “fit in” walking past the Armani, Louis Vuitton and Versace stores.

After breakfast we walked around anywhere we felt like! Times Square, FAO Schwartz, Rockefeller…

This is my all-time FAVORITE style of vacationing. No itinerary. No big all-day tourist activities. Just exploration in it’s purest sense. Walking the streets! Seeing the steam rise from the sewer grates (whaaaaat? I thought that was a dramatic movie effect, I didn’t know that was a real thing!) I know that style of traveling is not for everyone… but it’s definitely for me! To be carried and moved by the environment. Being present in the entirety of your destination. I was thrilled that my dad was on the same page as me! To be explorers together and do whatever we wanted in the moment it called for.  

We were pretty exhausted by the time we got back to the hotel. My body was immediately messed up trying to switch to East Coast time. So I took a nap even though it was like ten AM.

When I woke up, I felt a lot more energized and happy again. We decided to go to Central Park. I had no idea how Central Park would be. And it turns out it’s the best place in the whole frickin’ world hahaha!

Dad and I got a hot dog and sat on a bench to people watch. (And it was a good hot dog too!) Then we got up and walked around and it was an *amazing* place. There was live music all around, people performing, dancers practicing in the fields. I overheard a lot of writers talking to their editors/publishers on the phone.

That’s when I got it. What my friend was saying about me fitting in there. It was something that I never really agreed with him about before, because I thought of New York as this stiff business empire for the super wealthy. But it’s a hot spot for fellow artsy farts! And just apart from the people. The environment in Central Park specifically was SO meaningful to me. The metaphor of it. That this giant and crazy busy city, wanted to carve a chunk out for nature and respite.

It’s really so great. I guess I thought it was going to be a normal park. Not like… an entire town-size of beautification! The birds come right up to your feet when you sit down. There are SO many fat squirrels running around. And I bent down and called out to one and it ran to me like it was a dog! I started crying. Literally. I was so happy to be there that I started crying.

     We walked to Strawberry Fields and there were TONS of people there. Sitting and listening to a nearby street musician singing John Lennon’s songs. And some of them were crying.

We walked across the street to The Dakota and saw the entrance where John was shot. (kind of eerie knowing you’re standing where someone was murdered. Even if it was 40 years ago.)

Suddenly Dad and I were thrown into a deep and beautiful conversation about death and the gospel. (Right there in front of The Dakota). It was an impactful moment for me. That (and the whole trip) really made me realize how similar my dad and I are. And our views and feelings on things.

We walked a little ways to an ice cream shop that supposedly sold “Kraft macaroni and cheese ice cream”. They were sold out if you can believe it. So I had chocolate fudge brownie instead. Oh, darn. Haha! Then we saw a spot from You’ve Got Mail and circled back around The Dakota to Central Park again.

Dad and I continued walking around the park and I fell more hopelessly in love with it. Central Park was now one of my new favorite memories.

Later that evening we decided to go to Little Italy and eat at a 100-year-old restaurant called “Puglia’s”. Little Italy was amazingly beautiful! And I’m so glad that we took time to go!

Puglia’s was the exact opposite of the fancy shcmancy place we had dinner at the night before. It was very LOUD. We sat at a table with another group of people. Everyone was laughing and yelling at each other. The waiters were pretty casual. It felt like I was suddenly adopted into a HUGE Italian family and was at a reunion with all my cousins or something. That’s honestly what that restaurant felt like!

Then just when I thought it was not physically possible to get any louder. An older couple came out and started performing. The entire restaurant started sing-yelling along! And half of the patrons got up on the tables and waved their napkins. It was so chaotic and fun. You couldn’t help but sing along and dance yourself.

After dinner, we walked around Little Italy, got a gelato and then wandered around trying to hail a cab to get us back to our hotel.

MONDAY

Monday morning we had room service and lounged around in our comfy Pierre robes.

We decided that we would do one “touristy” thing on our trip and both agreed on The Empire State Building. We went all the way up to the 102nd floor! The little ball thingy on the tower. It was very impressive and scary looking down at the already super tall buildings of New York. The little dots of the birds flying down there. I cannot believe they were up here in the 30s building this high with no harnesses riveting on a narrow beam. WHY? WHAT?

After the Empire State we had pizza, walked St. Mark’s Place and visited the famous “Strands Bookstore”. And just like any other bookstore I had an armful of books to buy within only thirty seconds of being there. So we had to leave pretty soon after that or else I wouldn’t have been able to lug my suitcase through the airport.

We stopped at a diner and over some famous NY cheesecake, we talked about life. Impostor syndrome and the gospel and confidence in ourselves. And I saw that this trip was meant in part for that conversation and every conversation that I had with my dad. I have never and probably will never have that kind of extensive time with him to hear his feelings and thoughts about such deep and meaningful things. And its a beyond precious memory that I will always have of my father throughout my life. 

We finished our cheesecake and before turning back in for the night, I asked if we could just walk into Central Park one last time. My beloved, wonderful Central Park. So we took a taxi to the entrance by the plaza and walked a ways into it before settling on a bench.

As the sun sank behind the skyscrapers, the fat squirrels cleared out of the fields and were replaced by sparkling fireflies. My dad and I had more deep and important talks. And I wondered and ached for when I would ever be able to come back to this city I had fallen head over heels for.

I wish I knew how to sum up this trip in writing. I’m not joking when I said I cried of happiness in Central Park. Or how desperately meaningful it was to me to have a father who would be willing to have such a bonding moment and adventure between the two of us. I really saw this whole trip as such a deep act of love.

If (I mean when) I go back to New York City, here’s what I’m going to do differently. I’m going to dedicate an entire day or maybe even two to Central Park. We walked 20,000 steps that first day and I only ever saw the bottom third of Central Park. I didn’t see Century Gardens, or Shakespeare Gardens. We didn’t go inside the zoo. I know there’s a castle! So probably when I go back it will be a trip to the park for me HAHAHAHA.

Little Italy is a place worth visiting again. I would probably pick another “one touristy thing” again. Either ride the boat around the Statue of Liberty or spend some time at the 9/11 memorial. I should also mention that Broadway was still closed due to the pandemic, so I would see a show the next time around.

I already know that if my dad could have changed anything he would have wanted my mom there. I wouldn’t mind going back with Daniel or my mom. My kids if they were a little older.