A while ago, I showed my nine-year-old the all-time best 90’s educational cartoon on the planet. THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS. Specifically, the episode “Inside Ralphie”. If you haven’t seen that episode, it’s about a boy named Ralphie who stays home sick from school and his class shrinks in the magic school bus, goes inside a cut on his knee, and watches his immune system fight off the virus. Well, my gen alpha son was HORRIFIED by this episode. And his comments were so funny, I felt like they deserved their own entire post:

JACK: If my entire class showed up at my house when I was sick, that would be the weirdest day of my life.

JACK: EWWWWW-UH!!! WHY?!!! THAT IS DISGUSTING!

JACK: This is what they did in the nineties?

JACK: This is making me sick, bro. Why would they WANT to make a cartoon about this?

JACK: Ow! You got a whole bus in your booboo bro!

JACK: If this happened to me I would not try to keep it from my mom. I would tell my mom right away like MOM MY WHOLE CLASS WENT INSIDE ME PLEASE HELP

JACK: Those are white blood cells… CALLED IT

JACK: Bro, they just made his whole sickness worse with their field trip. Bet.

Kids these days just don’t appreciate the gems we grew up with hahaha.

I’m 35 years old and I love going to Disneyland. I GUESS that makes me a “Disney Adult“. And if that disgusts you, you can kiss my childlike-wonder magical a$$. And speaking of unapologetic Disney opinions, what if I just made an entire post about what I honestly think about every change at California’s Disneyland? So without further ado:

THIS IS WHAT I HONESTLY THINK ABOUT EVERY RECENT CHANGE AT CALIFORNIA’S DISNEYLAND

Pirates of the Caribbean

This one has had so many changes that I just think we should get it out of the way to start with.

• Adding stuff from the movie

I really like the idea of putting some nods to the movie in the ride. But like… It’s kind of a lot. Is that just me? I like Barbarossa on the ship. Changing out the poor harassed girl in the barrel was a great choice. But drowning the mayor over not giving up Jack Sparrow? What? lmao Why? Why change the original dialog at all? The dialog changes bother me so much in that ride. If you took a drink every single time they said “Captain Jack Sparrow”, you would die of alcohol poisoning before you even reach the fire scene. Also, wasn’t it a running joke in the movie that no one called him fully Captain Jack Sparrow? Whatever. It’s dumb. The mayor/mayor’s wife would not risk dying to protect some pirate. Revert the dialog back to the original and keep Jack in the scene peeking over at them. It makes more sense that he would also be trying to get the location of the treasure than the entire Spanish town refusing to give up Jack Sparrow to Barbossa. That’s my opinion.

• Ruining the transition and then fixing it lol

Remember when they had this smoky effect of Davvy Jones and Blackbeard for no reason? Ahahaha. I was furious about that for so long. Because the original was an actual plot point. You see the cursed treasure, and then you go back in time when the pirates were alive. I’m glad they corrected their mistake. Even if no one else cared about it except for me.

• Redd

Obviously, they couldn’t hold onto a human trafficking scene no matter how dang funny it was to hear “We wants the redhead”. I love that they made her a pirate and a more prominent character, but now that “auction” seems so out of place. The elderly woman in the back crying over her painting. The auctioneer, auctioning chickens now. It’s kinda weird. But I think they did the best they could do. Major changes are already going to get backlash, and I can’t really brainstorm what else they could have done with that scene. So I think it works.

Jungle Cruise

In my opinion, this is a re-imagining done correctly. Everything they added complemented the vibe. They were able to take out questionable portrayals without removing entire jokes. I’m super pleased with this ride and everything they added.

Tiana’s Bayou Adventure

K. I’m going to be very honest. Are you ready for that?

When they announced that they were turning Splash Mountain into a Princess and the Frog ride, I was like, guys…. What a brilliant idea. I mean, it’s right there IN the New Orleans Square anyway. And this is coming from someone who has seen the original Song of the South movie. (My grandpa had a pirated Japanese VHS of it?? Don’t ask.) Like, I grew up loving Splash Mountain, but changing it to the movie about our first African American princess? That’s super cool! That was an idea I could get behind.

I rode it for the first time last year and… there’s something off about it. My guess is that the first draft of the ride idea was fairly close to the movie, and someone flagged Dr. Facilier and told them to remove the voodoo. And then several more drafts were rejected for various other “too scary” “wouldn’t appeal” “vaguely problematic” elements. I think the storyline got chopped and chopped and chopped until FINALLY a search for a bug band was approved.

The story issssss… a weird choice is all I’m saying. Like specifically the choice to put a gentle, no-stakes story overlaid on top of a terrifying five-story drop. Like even Winnie the Pooh across the way has a Heffalumps and Woozles scene IDK.

I did like it. I loved the shrinking element, which was so fun. … Would’ve been even cooler if there was a dramatic pre-show of everyone getting turned into frogs and then we have to float the Bayou to find Mama Odie to change us back or somethin’. (I would be willing to bet real money that this idea was one of the ones they presented in an earlier draft, and that’s why there’s even a shrinking section in the first place.)

It just feels like they didn’t give my girl Tiana a real chance. You know? Like they accepted the idea of giving her the ride for good PR, but then didn’t invest the same or take real chances with it. Is that too harsh to say?

I promise it’s still a good ride. This version is my seven-year-old’s all-time favorite. I just think they could’ve made it even cooler if they wanted to. Also, it broke down every time I rode it, and one time the boat was severely listing. Which sucks because didn’t they JUST refurbish it?

Walt Disney gets his own animatronic on Main Street.

Yeah. Duh. Why did it take you guys so long to think of this honestly?

Haunted Mansion off-tone axe murder scene in the attic

Oh, okay. Nevermind. I just found they changed her back to the 1969 beating heart bride. Good!

Rise of the Resistance and Mickey’s Runaway Railway

No notes. Obviously. Immaculate. Genius additions to the park. I appreciate the effort to make the lines bearable. Which brings me to

Lightning Lanes

Iger. Screw you. I’m still loyal to Disney, but this defo felt like a backstab. One of my favorite YouTubers, Jenny Nicholson, compared these changes to Spirit Airlines. In that, it now charges for all these comforts that would otherwise be complimentary, like a bag of peanuts or checking a bag. Having to pay extra for something that used to be offered to everyone at the park just leaves a bad taste. Especially since, unlike Spirit Airlines, they don’t even adjust the price of admission. It’s already a struggle to scrape together enough to bring your family to Disney. In my imagination, the guy who suggested Lightning Lanes as a paid add-on was the lawyer from Jurassic Park.

“We could charge anything we want. Two thousand a day, ten thousand a day. And people will pay it. And then there’s the merchandise-”
“This park was not built to cater only to the super-rich. Everyone in the world has a right to enjoy these attractions.”
“Sure, they will. We’ll have a coupon day or something.”

Jenny also pointed out that Disney now has a monetary incentive to keep the lines ridiculously long. More people squeezed into lines means more people they can fit in the park. And long lines will pressure people into adding on Lightning Lanes and extra days to be able to do more rides. So it’s literally in their financial interest to keep us waiting for hours and hours while the Jurassic Park lawyer puts on his monocle and tells us to “Have a magical day at Disneyland. But only as magical as you can afford.”

In short, everything about the park is great. Please just bring back traditional fast passes.

It’s truly disgusting the number of hours I’ve logged on this game. I won’t even admit what it is. But I will tell you that it’s enough to garner very strong opinions about the citizens of Pelican Town. And if YOU’VE played Stardew and decided to marry one of the singles… then I have strong opinions about you too lol.

Here are the reasons that I think you chose the NPC that you chose:

Alex

• He reminded you of a crush you had in high school
• You needed someone big and strong to fix your fence posts
• You downloaded the mod that let him go professional at gridball and that made you feel a little better

Elliot

• You’re probably “something of a writer yourself.”
• You play for aesthetics. And everything about him fit a vibe you were going for.
• You unlocked ducks somewhat early

Harvey

• He’s “established.”
• You thought that if you married him, he would heal you for free if you died in the mines… he did not.
• You yourself are older and you felt like it was one of the least creepy options

Sam

• You have a thing for “lovable scamps”
• Pizza is readily available at the Stardrop Saloon
• You never believed he would be a famous rockstar and had zero guilt about asking him to give it up to be a stay-at-home dad

Sebastian

• You have the hawts for the bad boys TM
• He said one line to you about staying inside all the time and you were like “Relate”.
• When you got to know him, you realised there was so much more there than the aloof emo you thought he was. You discovered that he reads graphic novels and knows how to code, and he invites you to his Dungeons and Dragons campaign. And it turns out that he’s not just a cool motorcycle guy who plays synth in a band, he’s actually a giant nerd who has an adorable affinity for rescuing little frogs and is designing his own computer game and oh no, now you’re calling him Sebby and you’re in love with him in your waking life… erm… speaking for a friend.

Shane

• Came for the Jojomart pepper poppers, stayed for the blue chickens.
• You didn’t know at the time that his disgusting room would become part of the farmhouse
• You chose Shane because you understand Shane. You good?

Abigail

• You kept mining a lot of amethyst
• She actually WANTED to live on your farm. She LOVES your grandpa’s farm. She WANTED this
• You chose Abigail because you are Abigail. You love ghost hunting and video games, and maybe you have ADHD. Er… also speaking for a friend.

Emily

• You randomly had the most hearts with her first
• You needed wool and cloth for community center bundles and things blossomed from there
• You wanted to see Clint cry

Haley

• “She’s pretty.”
• She really does have a character arc, you swear. You can’t say what it is exactly, but it’s THERE.
• Sunflowers are easy to grow, and you just needed a Stardrop

Leah

• You secretly wanted her little wooden cabin
• She was a regular at the Saloon and popping in and buying salads worked for you
• You actually wanted Robin, but she wasn’t marriageable

Maru

• She was the only marriageable POC character and that PISSED YOU OFF.
• Pure curiosity. You wanted to see her 14 heart cutscene and wondered if she would invent anything for your farm.
• idk you tell me why you picked Maru lol

Penny

• You wanted to “save her” from her alcoholic mother
• You were worried about holding the other NPC’s back from their dreams but Penny WANTS to have your children. She has no dreams.
• You discovered that she would take your old rusty artifacts and dwarf scrolls so you kept handing them to her every time you went to the museum

Krobus

• This is not your first play through
• You LIVE on Stardew Wiki
• You’re a bit of a rebel. You’re a “tee hee I’m not like the others” type and I agree.
• Let’s be friends

Also HEY. I have a YouTube channel now. I don’t know if you read that last post, but I’m making videos on the internet now. *Hunger Games whistle*. This is my first long-form vid, and it’s actually a documentary about my writing journey! So I’m posting it here if you’re interested: