Top 5 Best of the Worst Movies I’ve Ever Seen

My husband and I are fine connoisseurs of terrible movies. It’s basically our go-to date night activity. So we have seen quite a handful of UNBELIEVABLY poor-quality movies, more than enough for me to put together a “Top 5”.

I will say to those who share our hobby, most of the movies on this list are “trash classics”. So if you are looking for an undiscovered cult experience… that may have to wait for another day. However, if you are new to the ironic B-movie movement. Welcome! This is a good list for you:

5. ALL THE SHARK MOVIES…

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We have seen A LOT of campy shark movies, the most entertaining being “Sharktopus” down to the studiest “Avalanche sharks”. Not to mention: 2-Headed Shark Attack, Shark Lake, Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark, Mega Shark vs. Crocosauras, Sharknado 1 through whatever, Sandsharks and even Shark Exorcist.

Quick sum up:
Monster shark is a mindless people-eating-machine that cannot be stopped.

Sample:

For their exact same plot as the original Jaws film, I’m giving this entire genre an award for Dumbest Adapted/Stolen Screenplay.

4. The Room

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This is considered “The Citizen Kane” of bad movies, and honestly I could not agree more. It has so many big dramatic plot twists that for some reason are only mentioned once and are never talked about ever again (like the neighbor kid’s drug problem and a mom who has breast cancer). Some of the weirdest lines I’ve ever heard come from this movie, like “Leave your stupid comments in your pocket”. Also he has framed pictures of spoons all over his house…

Quick Sum Up:
Everyone loves Tommy except for his backstabbing evil fiancée Lisa. After Lisa begins to have an affair with his best friend things get VERY dramatic.

Sample:

For this movie, I’m giving Tommy Wiseau the Best Unintentionally Comedic Actor Award and Most Bat-Shiz Crazy Director Award.

3. Birdemic: Shock and Terror

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No other movie will make you say, “What was that?” like this movie will. They have several casual picnics DURING the killer bird rampage. And the “Birdemic” doesn’t even start until like 45 minutes into the movie. This one is entertaining but painful. If you chose to watch this one be prepared to see every moment of the main characters day to day routine… like gassing up their cars after work and a three minute business meeting scene of just straight up clapping.

Quick Sum Up:
Natalie and Rod are falling in love and having fun… until the town is terrorized by killer eagles that can spit acid. Apparently the birds started killing everyone due to climate change? Just give peace a chance.

Sample:

Birdemic sweeps my aCRAPemy awards with Stupidest Visual Effects, Crappiest Film Editing and Most Questionable Sound Editing. Birdemic also earns a Best Worst Original Song Award for its hit “Hanging Out With My Family” and I’m unapologetically giving the woman who played Natalie’s mom Best Actress in a Supporting Role.

2. Troll 2

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We LOVE this movie. Anytime we invite someone over to our house we force them to watch this movie. It’s truly a vision. You just have to see it to believe. And if you’re wondering whether you have to see the first Troll beforehand… don’t worry, it’s not a sequel to anything and there aren’t even “Trolls” in it.

Quick Sum Up:
Joshua and his family go on vacation to Nilbog, only to discover that it’s the Goblin capital of the world! Only Josh’s dead grandpa can help to destroy these vegetarian goblins that turn people into plants before eating them.

Sample:

Deborah Reed’s portrayal of “The Goblin Queen” earns her a Best Over-the-top Performance Award, while the film itself receives Craziest Art Direction, Most Hilarious Costume Design and Possibly a Foreign Language Film…

And the award for Overall WORST picture goes to…

1. Fateful Findings

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I didn’t know it was possible to mess up every single component of a movie, but Fateful Findings enlightens me on just how bad film-making can be. I understand that a lot of movies on this list were American movies made by foreign directors and that there were some language barrier issues. But this guy… it’s like an alien director tried to make an Earth movie.

Quick sum up: 
Oh man… okay.

Soooo this guy hacks into secret government files with the use of his teleportation crystal powers… I think? He goes to the hospital and falls in love with the neurosurgeon / childhood girlfriend who helps to heal him through magic crystal power… maybe? His wife becomes addicted to his painkillers while his drunk neighbor is murdered for some reason? He also has two therapists, one who’s like… a ghost? A bunch of laptops and salad falls to the ground but doesn’t stop Neil Breen from exposing the president of “The Bank”.

Sample:

Along with Worst Picture, I’m also giving this film an award for Weirdest Cinematography and Most Confusing Original Screenplay.

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How to make a “Man Casserole”

 

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The lady who gave me this recipe calls it “The Man Casserole”, because it’s so easy that even a man can make it. Is that sexist? Yeah. Is it delicious? Yeah!

 

INGREDIENTS:

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I used “Mexican Style Blend” because that’s what was in my house. It tastes good either way

1 1/2 cups uncooked macaroni

1 cup shredded cheddar cheese 

1 1/2 cups cut-up cooked chicken

1 can cream of chicken soup

1 cup of milk

 

 

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It looks like this before you bake it

DIRECTIONS:

Mix all ingredients in a 1 1/2-qt casserole dish.

Cover tightly.

Bake at 350 for 1 hour.

 

That’s it… That’s all you do.

(In fact, I just use a can of chicken to save myself from even that part.)

 

 

I LOVE effortless recipes so if you have any, send them to me to try out!

 

You know what’s even worse than cooking? Yard work. Want a solution? Fake grass. My friend Charlie can get you a sweet deal on AstroTurf for your landscaping, your playgrounds, your pets and your private mini-golf course that you know you want to install right now…

You can get more info here:

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Contact Charlie directly for the best deals.

surfacingguy@gmail.com

 

 

Turning My Life Into a TV Show

Season One Cover Art
Concept art photographed/edited by Alison Ostler. Modeled by Hailey Stephens*

If you didn’t already know, my latest project that I’ve been writing is a teen drama/comedy television show called “Identity Crisis”. The show is mostly based around my own life. My experiences, my friends, my crushes, my heart aches and my hilarities.

Synopsis: After a messy break-up with her overly religious boyfriend, Elle seeks revenge by trying to fit in with a group of burnouts. After spending time with her new friends however… she begins to wonder who “the bad kids” really are.

 

 

Season 2 Cover Art
Concept art photographed by Alison Ostler. Modeled by Hailey Stephens*

 

I didn’t write it just to be self absorbed. (Even though yeah sort of). I wrote it because I had a lot of old crazy memories that I didn’t know what to do with. I guess I’ve never been much of a conventional diary person. The idea to make an autobiographical TV show was always a consideration. Even when I was personally living major plot points of the now-series, I remember thinking… Wow… this could make a good soap opera. I actually came up with names for a couple of the main characters at the time (“Ronnie Johnson” and “Adam Levenski”). So yeah, I’ve been kicking around the idea for a while now.

 

Season 3 cover art
Concept art photographed/edited by Alison Ostler. Modeled by Hailey Stephens*

 

Here’s a short sample from the pilot episode, if you’re interested in checking it out. (Disclaimer: mild language and drug use)

Identity Crisis EP1_ACT1

I’ve been writing the show since August 2016. I’m currently working on season 5 of the six season set (each with 10 individual episodes). I have a small circle of readers who have been asking for the novelization or production of Identity Crisis. But unfortunately, because the show is based on real people and events it would need to be further fictionalized before I would release it publicly. If there’s enough interest in it, I will add the revision to my project line-up.

For a quick overview of each season you can also check out the main description page here:

Identity Crisis

 

*Fun fact! Hailey is wearing my authentic high school clothes in the photos. During the shoot I couldn’t stop talking about how weird it was to see a teen dressed up like “teen-me” and Hailey kept laughing at what I used to wear a decade ago.

 

If I ever DID make the show, let me tell you who I would want to do all the music. My friend Chris is insanely talented, his voice makes my heart weep with joy. Listen to this song. And then you know what? Go and listen to all of his other songs! You will not be sorry. Be prepared to fall in love.

 

 

 

 

 

Embarrassing Story: Almost Getting Myself Abducted

Car Dummy

I have always been very day-dreamy and a little air-headed. One day in high school a boy that I sorta-kinda-maybe-liked said hi to me after school. I was OUT TO LUNCH. I completely checked out of my own brain. I started imagining our wedding and how many kids we were going to have and what we would name them.

My mom was coming to pick me up in her super generic-looking Honda. So when I walked out to the front of the school I got into the first white car I saw…

I buckled myself in. Keep in mind that I’m a high-schooler and way too old for this kind of mistake. I started to rummage through my backpack when suddenly… I noticed that my mom was listening to some weeeeird music. It was like Bulgarian opera of some kind? Which is not on my mother’s usual playlist. I slowly glanced over at the hand resting on the shifter, which just happened to be attached to the hairiest arm I’ve ever seen. I looked up in horror at the large Duck-Dynasty-lookin’-dude in the driver’s seat, who could no longer hold in his gut-busting laughter.

I fumblingly undid the seat-belt, grabbed my stuff, tripped on the way out and skidded my face on the grass. All the kids out front laughed and pointed at my lifeless body on the lawn. My mom watched in disappointment from the car directly behind my unintended Uber. I awkwardly picked myself up and got into the correct ride. As we drove away I saw my almost-abductor still cry-laughing about it all.

So there you go. Always double check the car you’re about to strap yourself into.

 

Hey teachers & parents! Wanna know how to help the zoned-out-daydreamers in your classroom? MusicExplorers offers a variety of original musicals specifically designed for core curriculum integration. Their website also has a ton of cool lesson plans for free! They are definitely worth checking out!

http://music-explorers.com/

 

 

My Emo Pregnancy

I think the best way to describe being pregnant is like being a Sim with every one of your health bars in the red. You’re always hungry, you’re always tired and you always have to pee. I remember once sitting on the toilet and wishing I could eat a sandwich and take a nap at the same time.

But last year I had an easy pregnancy… well I mean besides Exorcist-puking so hard that you pee yourself and your husband nicknames you “Puddles” for the next several weeks.

The only other thing about it was that I was SUPER emotional. I cried over everything that could be even kind of sentimental. It got so completely ridiculous in fact that I decided to take a Snapchat every single time I started crying. Below is my photo series from last year’s pregnancy I hope you enjoy the ridiculousness of my tears


Being pregnant with Jack was the most amazing, maturing and in-touch moments of my life. In fact he still makes me cry all the time… “You can put the remote in the dishwasher all by yourself?” *sobs*

 

Want more mom mis-adventures? My friend Chaun has a really great blog and she also wrote a post about the weird things she cried over when she was pregnant. Check out all of her funny stories & content!

http://www.22footprints.com/