I’m 35 years old and I love going to Disneyland. I GUESS that makes me a “Disney Adult“. And if that disgusts you, you can kiss my childlike-wonder magical a$$. And speaking of unapologetic Disney opinions, what if I just made an entire post about what I honestly think about every change at California’s Disneyland? So without further ado:

THIS IS WHAT I HONESTLY THINK ABOUT EVERY RECENT CHANGE AT CALIFORNIA’S DISNEYLAND

Pirates of the Caribbean

This one has had so many changes that I just think we should get it out of the way to start with.

• Adding stuff from the movie

I really like the idea of putting some nods to the movie in the ride. But like… It’s kind of a lot. Is that just me? I like Barbarossa on the ship. Changing out the poor harassed girl in the barrel was a great choice. But drowning the mayor over not giving up Jack Sparrow? What? lmao Why? Why change the original dialog at all? The dialog changes bother me so much in that ride. If you took a drink every single time they said “Captain Jack Sparrow”, you would die of alcohol poisoning before you even reach the fire scene. Also, wasn’t it a running joke in the movie that no one called him fully Captain Jack Sparrow? Whatever. It’s dumb. The mayor/mayor’s wife would not risk dying to protect some pirate. Revert the dialog back to the original and keep Jack in the scene peeking over at them. It makes more sense that he would also be trying to get the location of the treasure than the entire Spanish town refusing to give up Jack Sparrow to Barbossa. That’s my opinion.

• Ruining the transition and then fixing it lol

Remember when they had this smoky effect of Davvy Jones and Blackbeard for no reason? Ahahaha. I was furious about that for so long. Because the original was an actual plot point. You see the cursed treasure, and then you go back in time when the pirates were alive. I’m glad they corrected their mistake. Even if no one else cared about it except for me.

• Redd

Obviously, they couldn’t hold onto a human trafficking scene no matter how dang funny it was to hear “We wants the redhead”. I love that they made her a pirate and a more prominent character, but now that “auction” seems so out of place. The elderly woman in the back crying over her painting. The auctioneer, auctioning chickens now. It’s kinda weird. But I think they did the best they could do. Major changes are already going to get backlash, and I can’t really brainstorm what else they could have done with that scene. So I think it works.

Jungle Cruise

In my opinion, this is a re-imagining done correctly. Everything they added complemented the vibe. They were able to take out questionable portrayals without removing entire jokes. I’m super pleased with this ride and everything they added.

Tiana’s Bayou Adventure

K. I’m going to be very honest. Are you ready for that?

When they announced that they were turning Splash Mountain into a Princess and the Frog ride, I was like, guys…. What a brilliant idea. I mean, it’s right there IN the New Orleans Square anyway. And this is coming from someone who has seen the original Song of the South movie. (My grandpa had a pirated Japanese VHS of it?? Don’t ask.) Like, I grew up loving Splash Mountain, but changing it to the movie about our first African American princess? That’s super cool! That was an idea I could get behind.

I rode it for the first time last year and… there’s something off about it. My guess is that the first draft of the ride idea was fairly close to the movie, and someone flagged Dr. Facilier and told them to remove the voodoo. And then several more drafts were rejected for various other “too scary” “wouldn’t appeal” “vaguely problematic” elements. I think the storyline got chopped and chopped and chopped until FINALLY a search for a bug band was approved.

The story issssss… a weird choice is all I’m saying. Like specifically the choice to put a gentle, no-stakes story overlaid on top of a terrifying five-story drop. Like even Winnie the Pooh across the way has a Heffalumps and Woozles scene IDK.

I did like it. I loved the shrinking element, which was so fun. … Would’ve been even cooler if there was a dramatic pre-show of everyone getting turned into frogs and then we have to float the Bayou to find Mama Odie to change us back or somethin’. (I would be willing to bet real money that this idea was one of the ones they presented in an earlier draft, and that’s why there’s even a shrinking section in the first place.)

It just feels like they didn’t give my girl Tiana a real chance. You know? Like they accepted the idea of giving her the ride for good PR, but then didn’t invest the same or take real chances with it. Is that too harsh to say?

I promise it’s still a good ride. This version is my seven-year-old’s all-time favorite. I just think they could’ve made it even cooler if they wanted to. Also, it broke down every time I rode it, and one time the boat was severely listing. Which sucks because didn’t they JUST refurbish it?

Walt Disney gets his own animatronic on Main Street.

Yeah. Duh. Why did it take you guys so long to think of this honestly?

Haunted Mansion off-tone axe murder scene in the attic

Oh, okay. Nevermind. I just found they changed her back to the 1969 beating heart bride. Good!

Rise of the Resistance and Mickey’s Runaway Railway

No notes. Obviously. Immaculate. Genius additions to the park. I appreciate the effort to make the lines bearable. Which brings me to

Lightning Lanes

Iger. Screw you. I’m still loyal to Disney, but this defo felt like a backstab. One of my favorite YouTubers, Jenny Nicholson, compared these changes to Spirit Airlines. In that, it now charges for all these comforts that would otherwise be complimentary, like a bag of peanuts or checking a bag. Having to pay extra for something that used to be offered to everyone at the park just leaves a bad taste. Especially since, unlike Spirit Airlines, they don’t even adjust the price of admission. It’s already a struggle to scrape together enough to bring your family to Disney. In my imagination, the guy who suggested Lightning Lanes as a paid add-on was the lawyer from Jurassic Park.

“We could charge anything we want. Two thousand a day, ten thousand a day. And people will pay it. And then there’s the merchandise-”
“This park was not built to cater only to the super-rich. Everyone in the world has a right to enjoy these attractions.”
“Sure, they will. We’ll have a coupon day or something.”

Jenny also pointed out that Disney now has a monetary incentive to keep the lines ridiculously long. More people squeezed into lines means more people they can fit in the park. And long lines will pressure people into adding on Lightning Lanes and extra days to be able to do more rides. So it’s literally in their financial interest to keep us waiting for hours and hours while the Jurassic Park lawyer puts on his monocle and tells us to “Have a magical day at Disneyland. But only as magical as you can afford.”

In short, everything about the park is great. Please just bring back traditional fast passes.