Every Millenial remembers loading a floppy disc into their school’s boxy computer to play the pixelated gem that was Oregon Trail. But who among you, remember loading a CD ROM into their home computer to play it’s successor? Oregon Trail Two

Well, hey howdy hey. I just found an emulator online that let’s me play it on my laptop. So yee haw! Let’s give it a go. YAH!

First off, gotta make a character.

Now a good old-fashioned Oregon Trail game is to make a wagon party with yourself, your crush, and your friends. But when I clicked on the professions tab, all the “me” options were pretty dismal. Artist, no special advantages. Teacher, no special advantages. Jeez, what’s the closest to YA author? A Journalist? No special advantages.

Thanks, Oregon Trail. I already know that in the event of an apocalypse, the only thing I bring to society is that I’m kinda funny sometimes. I see my husband’s occupation is fourth on the list of desirable choices. I could play as him… or I could play as a banker and name him “Richie Snoots” out of pure spite.

Meet Richie Snoots and his party. His wife, Kitten Kaboodle, his grumpy Gram, brother Wild Willie, and Uncle Frank, the literal character from the Home Alone franchise. He’s a greenhorn going to Salt Lake City. Because 1) it’s a shorter game and 2) I’m from there, so I want to make my Mormon Pioneer ancestors proud.

You start off by buying your supplies in town, so I’m going to ask around what strangers think I should bring. It’s recommended to bring 400 lbs PER PERSON!? Shoulda left off Uncle Frank. Googling how many Oxen Imma need for this BS

K. I bought a ludicrous amount of bacon. Probably good enough. Let’s go. Crazy how your brain can perfectly remember music from thirty years ago. There are so many rivers to start off with. I guess caulk and float if there isn’t a ferry available? The fact that people literally did this is giving me anxiety

Two seconds in and Kitten already has a concussion. All right, what do I do? Let me click on ‘get some advice’.

I see, well, that’s unhelpful. First person told me I should consult a doctor and the second person said it depends how serious the concussion is. Well, whatever. Her health log says she’s good so I’m gonna keep going. Why even bother me with this Kitten?

After clearing Fort Kearney of their bacon, Kitten now has a snakebite. This better be actually serious this time, Dear.

Sucked the poison out of my wife’s wound, just in time for Wild Willie to come down with Scarlet Fever. Sorta feels like winter break with the kids

Next up. Bad mosquitos. The options are “continue” or “rest here”. Why the eff would I rest where the mosquitoes are?

One river our wagon tips and Wild Willie nearly drowned. The next River they have all the options for try to float but then they also have a ferry that’s free. I’m like “Why even come to me with this, Kitten, of course we’re going to take the ferry. Then we’re going to stop at literally every single trading Post and buy every single piece of bacon they have because I used to be a banker.”

Quicksand? Really? I guess, “ask for advice”.

Why is the advice always this terrible? Hahaha it’s like asking real life people for advice. Aight Imma put the weakest animals in front. Gram, your time to shine.

The Oregon Trail II music will be the most tranquil thing you’ve ever heard and then suddenly switch into the most anxiety-ridden music as soon as you have to go up a hill.

You know what, Kitten? I’m getting really sick of your crap.

We’re almost there. I can see the Great Salt Lake Valley on the map…

What?? Girl, are you serious? This game is giving me the average woman’s medical experience, but from the viewpoint of the misogynistic doctor. Hey, you know, it just occurred to me that I haven’t heard a peep from Uncle Frank this whole time. Maybe he’s just glad to freeload the trip off his rich banker nephew.

“Wild fruit in the area”?? I don’t remember this at all. Could it make you sick? I guess we could pick it to have something other than bacon for a change. Let me get some more advice.

LOL okay of all the advice in the game, I really like this fox hat guy.

We’re almost there, but my party is completely out of water. I’m going to look around and see if anyone else in our wagon Trail has some that they could trade. Here’s someone. “Isabella”.

She’s traveling with the Raleighs? She doesn’t have anything to trade. Oh. Ohhhhhh…

Well, okay. I’ll say I’m glad that they’re historically accurate. But suddenly, I’m no longer having fun playing this. My little idealistic Old West bubble popped because now I remember that people used to actually own other human beings less than 200 years ago.

I made it to Great Salt lake and was greeted with a synth Mormon hymn.

All in all, this still is a great game. But damn am I glad to not live during this time. We have antibiotics and sprawling homes with air conditioning. I don’t even have to load up my wagon and trek down the street to the store if I don’t want to. I can hire someone to bring me tacos anytime. I guess at the end of the day, I’m the real Richie Snoots of human history.

PS. If you guys want to play this game for free. I found it at this site. https://playclassic.games/games/educational-dos-games-online/play-oregon-trail-ii-online/
They have lots of other old games available too. They’re pretty awesome.