The Time I Explained the Facts of Life to a Grown Woman

September 20, 2018September 19, 2018 valmanwill1 Comment

Alright, so if you didn’t already know I served an LDS mission in Peru for eighteen months. That’s where this *delightful* story takes place.

This one day the girl I lived with and I started talking about our future babies… as one does when you’re single and not at all in a position to have any. We were just kind of talking about our predictions and everything and what we thought pregnancy would be like (which, oh HELLO. Writing this at 34 weeks. Pregnancy is only the craziest thing I could never imagine)

pregfunny-glowing
Anyways, we were talking about all that when this girl says, “I wonder how you get pregnant”.
Yo.

Pffftlol. Whaaaaat? I was like, “Oh uh… do you really not know how people get pregnant?”
“No.”

Mind was blown out my butt. How could this grown twenty-something woman not know this? Like how could she have been so failed by the school system, her parents AND every single form of mainstream media ever?

So in my mind, I was like alright look. I obviously have no problem talking about this kind of thing. And she straight up asked me. And wouldn’t it be better for me to give her a solid educational response rather than hearing some raunchy joke and being really confused as a freaking ADULT?

Where-Did-I-Come-From-By-Peter-Mayle
So in my crappy half Spanish… I explained the birds and the bees to her. Literally. I used “the birds” and “the bees”. Because I couldn’t really think of a better way to go about it? Like IDK folks, birds have eggs and bees pollinate, okay!

It was honestly probably a ten-minute spiel. Eight at best. And then after all that, she just gives me the blankest look and says, “No. I meant like I wonder how you time things so you get pregnant. Like how do you track when you’re ready to ovulate and everything?”

Ohhhhhhhhh kay.

I don’t know why TF she let me just teach her grown a$$ about sex for ten minutes. Like I WENT THROUGH THE ENTIRE THING. I explained it ALL. She told me that once I started she didn’t stop me because she was curious about how I was going to explain it.

Face. Palm.

Knowing her, she probably didn’t stop me because she thought it was freaking funny to watch me embarrass myself thinking I was doing some self-decided good deed.

I should’ve just said, “I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

Being Too Dumb to Function in Arizona

July 12, 2018July 11, 2018 valmanwill1 Comment

K I wasn’t going to tell this story, because the wound is still fresh. But, asdlfksldghvlksrjgaslkdfj* FINE! I’ll make a post about this stupid, stupid mistake I made.

*asdlfksldghvlksrjgaslkdfj – (pronounced like slamming keys) exclamation, Keyboard Pound for I did not want to do the thing, but frustratingly so, I will do the thing. Ex. “I wasn’t going to comment on your outlandish political statement on Facebook, but asdlfksldghvlksrjgaslkdfj.”

Well, first off, pregnancy brain is strong with this one, okay. AND I WANT YOU TO KEEP THAT IN MIND… because I have no problem throwing my children under the bus in order to save face. No, listen, that’s not it. But if that’s not it, then it must be something because I feel like what I did could have been the punch line of a dumb-blonde joke.

844ffad545a8d90ac44d58873eb7178d

Obviously, Arizona is a third degree blister of burning heat. Like really. It reaches temperatures that are actual settings on ovens. So for the sake of our baby boys in the back seat we decided to have our Honda Civic windows tinted so that they, you know, could actually sit there.

It’s always a pain to get your cars worked on because you have to do the awkward second-car-shuffle. So my husband was driving Jack in the Honda and I took the Nissan. Ummmm K. I really hardly ever drive that car. It’s my husband’s commuter car and we always take the Honda for outings because it fits our car seat better. This might just be totally my anxiety but I feel like, driving a car you are not familiar with is trying to navigate a Chinese shuttle to the moon.

Well, whatever. So as I’m driving I immediately notice that something is wrong. The AC is blowing hot air…

If you haven’t already read about our bad-luck-move-from-hell… this exact thing had happened to our other car on the way down. PLUS all the other mechanical issues we had already been through, not including trying to get tint on the windows.

And we’re driving to the whole other side of town. Well, maybe that SEEMS like not very far, but Mesa might as well be an effing East Coast state it’s so huge. It has 17 freeway exits alone. So here is the worst half an hour of my LIFE, sweat dripping into my eyes, cursing for … just being a human with functioning nerve endings. I’m five months pregnant, it’s over 110 degrees OUTSIDE of the car, okay. I’m rolling down the windows and sticking my head out like a Labrador.

C_5gpxcXgAQ1jpx

We get to the place and I immediately tell Dan, “THE AC IN THIS CAR WENT OUT TOO. ARIZONA HATES US.”

He leans in and points out that I had… in fact… never actually turned the air conditioning on.

…

42f3c297041f68df59c1a3643da43f85

Leaving my mark… in the worst way possible

September 14, 2017September 8, 2017 valmanwill1 Comment

I would say that 90 – 95% of my embarrassing stories have the same formula. I try to make everyone laugh by doing something socially inappropriate… no one laughs and then it’s just inappropriate.

awkworker

The summer between my junior and senior year I worked at an Arctic Circle. I wasn’t that great of an employee so this event didn’t really help my rep. One day things were slow, which is the perfect recipe for someone* to do something dumb.

*ME

I was standing by the drive-thru window and I was talking to my manager Drew and my best friend Kayla who also worked there. At some point in the conversation Drew casually throws in a cuss word. And Kayla was all like, “What’d you say??”

What a perfect opportunity to be a comedic genius.

PFFFFT

So I giggle and tell him to repeat the word because I’m an eternal sixth grader. He politely declines but I don’t let it go.

“Here, I’ll write it on the board.”

I grab the nearest marker and write a naughty word SO LARGE that it fills the entire white board. I turn to my manager and squeak out a “just kidding” as I erase the board…

Only NOTHING COMES OFF. I keep passing the eraser over the word again and again but it doesn’t even fade.

“IT’S NOT COMING OFF!!”

horrified-batman

Then my boss calmly informed me that I had just used a permanent marker. And the white board was like built into the wall so we couldn’t even take it down or anything. Everyone that pulled up in the drive-thru got a BIG OL’ OFFENSIVE WORD with their charbroiled burger. Kayla at this point is incapacitated, lying on the ground and laughing so hard at me she’s bawling.

I didn’t work there very long.