Best Worst Christmas Presents 2020

My brother and I have this tradition where we try to give each other the worst Christmas presents possible. And if you haven’t been following along, we’ve basically turned White Elephant into a serious art.

I told my brother that I needed more decorations for my new house… This is the present that arrived on my doorstep:

A giant wall decal of two seniors I don’t know riding a golf cart…

Meanwhile in Utah, my brother opened a personalized calendar, meticulously made with love and care by his dear, dear sister. Merry Cringemas Bro.

Here’s a video I made of our Christmas Morning. Enjoy.

I Randomly Generated an Emotional Short Story using only Shrek References

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Swamp Feelings

A Short Story
by Val Manwill

Shrek had always loved the stinky swamp with its bad, bitter boulders. It was a place where he felt lonely.

He was a green, scary, muskrat stew drinker with green skin and large hands. His friends saw him as an old-fashioned, obnoxious ogre. Once, he had even revived a dying, legless gingerbread man. That’s the sort of man he was.

Shrek walked over to the window and reflected on his muddy surroundings. Duloc teased in the distance like fighting dragons.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Donkay. Donkay was a big donkey with a hideous tail and powerful fur.

Shrek gulped. He was not prepared for Donkay.

As Shrek stepped outside and Donkay came closer, he could see the important glint in his eye.

Donkay gazed with the affection of 3765 ugly fine fairy tale creatures. He said, in hushed tones, “I love you and I want friendship.”

Shrek looked back, even more gassy and still fingering the Shrekish goblet. “Donkay, ogres are like onions,” he replied.

They looked at each other with angry feelings, like two breakable, burnt blind mice saving at a very ogre quest, which had Smashmouth music playing in the background and two shreky uncles swamping to the beat.

Shrek studied Donkay’s hideous tail and powerful skin. Eventually, he took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” began Shrek in apologetic tones, “but I don’t feel the same way, and I never will. I just don’t love you Donkay.”

Donkay looked god-like, his emotions raw like a prickly, pretty pitchfork.

Shrek could actually hear Donkay’s emotions shatter into 7420 pieces. Then the big donkey hurried away into the distance.

Not even a drink of muskrat stew would calm Shrek’s nerves tonight.

THE END
Many thanks to the plot generator for this piece of important literature:

The Worst Christmas Present

You know that person that never wants or needs anything so they’re impossible to buy for? That’s my brother. I never know what to get him, so instead we came up with a beautiful Christmas tradition…

To try and get each other the worst Christmas presents possible.

 

Here is what I managed to get my brother this year:

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An instructional DVD of how to become a Mary Kay consultant

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A VHS of the classic hit “Crawlers”

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Party Cheetos

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Pete the Repeat Parrot, which is a repeat gift of something that we treasured(?) from our childhood.

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An outdated Algebra textbook for a class he’ll never take

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A Blockbuster membership card

 

Here’s what he got me:

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Fist of all this is the box it came in.

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A DVD to entertain our cats when we’re away… we do not own a cat

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A buttload of expired groceries from my mom’s food storage (that I was told he wrapped the day of)

… Also dehydrated water (which my mom demanded back for some reason? Not pictured.)

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The coup de grace, an actually DVD copy of my number one worst movie I’ve ever seen.

Beautiful.