Tag: Hilarious

Kids Say the Darndest Things (catch up)

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ME: Ooh, Jack is a rebel.
CASEY: Yeah, Jack is Rubble and I’m Chase!

Every time Dan would come home, he would throw the kids high in the air. He tried to teach them to say Buzz Lightyear’s catchphrase before he threw them: “To Infinity and Beyond!”. But for some reason both of them would cry, “Two Fifty and Beyond!”. So then Dan tried to switch to Woody: “There’s a snake in my boot!” But all he got was “There’s a sneaky in my boot.” and “There’s a stinky in my butt.”

CASEY: I don’t want a quesadilla I want a Jacky-dea.

JACK: *leaving to go to school* Bye! Have fun playing with the kids!

Caught my dang three-year-old trying to stick a screwdriver in an outlet. I yelled at him to stop, explained how dangerous that is, that he could even DIE. He literally scoffed, rolled his eyes and said:

CASEY: It’s fine, Mom. Then I’d just be a zombie.

JACK: I don’t like white popsicles because they taste like ants. Isn’t that icky?
ME: How do you know what ants taste like?
JACK: I don’t know but it gives me a headache to think about.

CASEY: *playing with Dan* Boom you’re trapped! I’m a police officer!
DAN: Did you read me my rights?
CASEY: Yeah I’ll do that. *pretends to hold a book* Once upon a time Daddy was trapped and went to jail.

JACK: *points to his Spaghettios* I call these “blowy basgettios”. You know why?
ME: Why?
JACK: Because you blow em like this *blows* like how you have to blow a mosquito.
ME: Like… blowing a mosquito away?
JACK: Not mosquito, I meant to say noodle.
ME: *laughs* what?

DAN: *to me* Hit the AC will ya?
CASEY: No, Dad! It’s B and then C. A B C.

JACK: Does grandma live on Earth?
ME: … yeah. Utah is on Earth.
JACK: Ohhhhhhhhh!

CASEY: (holding up a toy) Should I break this?
ME: No, you shouldn’t
CASEY: Well what can I break?
ME: You can break my heart when you grow up too fast.
CASEY: (imitates a breaking sound) Pssh! Your heart is broken!
ME: Yeah it is 😭

Kids Say the Darndest Things (September)

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Casey started playing this game where you had to run away from a pretend monster before he gets you. And one time when Dan was playing he named the monster “Mr. Play Dough Head” (for whatever reason). But it stuck and that became the game, running away from Mr. Play Dough Head. Then one night I left Casey alone in the kitchen to wash my hands and he started screaming bloody murder. When I came back he was crying and shaking. I frantically asked what was wrong and he said, “Mr. Play Dough Head is going to eat me!” So at some point Casey decided this was no longer a game, this was now a real threat in our house. And that’s how my poor two year old developed a Mr. Play Dough Head phobia.

ME: It’s fall! Do you know what that means? Do you know what’s going to happen soon?

JACK: Yeah, that’s when you drive over the spikes and the wheels pop and we crash.

ME: wtf … I was gonna say Halloween.

CASEY: I’m a dog. Woof woof. I like to taste you. *licks my arm*

Jack was walking around slowly with his head tilted backward.

DAN: What are you doing, buddy? Are you pretending to be a zombie?

JACK: No. I’m just lookin’ at the air.

CASEY: Can you take this band-aid off my banana? *points to the sticker*

DAN: There’s a dragonfly on that branch. Can you see?

JACK: Yeah, I can see everything. I have two eyes.

Everyone else at Chase Field: *clap, clap, clap-clap-clap* LET’S GO D-BACKS!

My two year old: *clap, clap, clap-clap-clap* LET’S GO PEE PANTS!

JACK: Hey Mom, do you know all the coconuts?

ME: … what?

JACK: Like this *singing* Tell me the coconuts. Tell me the coconuts. Tell me the coconuts now… South America, North America, Central America too…

ME: … do you mean “continents”?

JACK: No, it’s just at school.

We put Casey forward facing in the van and now he backseat drives like no bodies business.

CASEY: GREEN MEANS GO, MOM. DRIVE. … see? I helped you.

I was playing with Jack when suddenly he gently brushed my hair behind my ear.

JACK: I really love you like that.

Kids Say the Darndest Things (Aug 2021)

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JACK: Your butt is big, Mom.

ME: Okay, thanks.

JACK: I mean, it’s super DUPER big.

ME: Okay! I got it!

CASEY: (spinning) I’m dizzy!

ME: (making a dumb Dad Joke) What do you want to do, Dizzy?

CASEY: I want to go to Dizzy-land!

Lately Casey has been calling Jack, “my Jack”. Like, “Where is my Jack?” “There’s my Jack! My Jack is back!” He also has been insisting that they wear the same color of shirt everyday. So today, when he saw Jack was wearing a red shirt, he demanded to be changed out of his blue shirt.

CASEY: I don’t match my Jack! No, I need to match my Jack!

A wasp landed on Jack Heroically, Dan swatted it away.

JACK: No I wanted him! He liked me!

We went on a hike and my two-year-old starting singing aloud every single thing that was happening.

CASEY: (cheerful singing) There’s lots of sand. And lots of mud. I’m farting. I farted and mommy laughed.

The boys caught a cold.

ME: (checking in) How are you feeling?

JACK: I feel better.

CASEY: I feel cough.

On the same note. Casey’s cough worsened, which always aggravates his sensitive gag reflex. After the grossest sounding cough turned hacking gag/possible slight puke, he turns to me and very calmly and politely says

CASEY: I have a little cough.

ME: Coconuts.

JACK: Cock and nuts?

ME: That’s definitely not how you pronounce it…

A while ago, I wrote about Jack mispronouncing the word “freckle”. The other day, Dan and I learned that Casey calls it “a peckle”. And this is my official petition to change the word freckle to peckle.