Revealing the Gender of my Baby!

Hey, did you fall for the clickbait? Good for you! Curiosity is one of the most powerful traits of humanity. So just by clicking on this proves how naturally intelligent you are. Also you’re looking super good lately. Did you do something with your hair?

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If you haven’t already scrolled down to find out the gender, you can. It’s intertwined with some funny stories and sappy stuff, which you’re welcome to read if you have the time.

Basically, I didn’t want to announce the gender until it was a FOR SURE thing. I was told my first born was a girl. Definitely a girl, the doctor said, 100% sure. So I immediately went to announce it the best way that I know… with some really lengthy written prose of course!

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I wrote this super flowery Facebook post about how hard it is to be a girl and live up to society’s unrealistic standards. Everyone loved it. And shared it and everything.

And then I go to my next ultrasound.

Technician: Did you want to find out the gender?
Me: Oh, we already know it’s a girl.
Technician: …
Me: …
Technician: Are you sure?

So then I had to go and retract my announcement like the over-eager failure that I am. Cool. That wasn’t embarrassing at all. We cut our losses and went out to Dickey’s to celebrate. THANK YOU, INTERNET! I’LL BE HERE ALL WEEK! *drops mic*

Soooo anyone about to do one of those fancy reveal parties? Learn from my mistake!

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But this time we are very sure, pretty convinced, saw a lil’ somethin’ somethin’ on the ultrasound, almost positive that we are having…

ANOTHER BOY!

So since it’s official that I will be very much a “boy mom”. I wrote a different sappy prose, this time addressed to my two darling boys.

Dear kiddos,

You have come into this world two (devastatingly handsome, probably) white boys. With this comes a lot of privileges, but a lot of pressures and responsibilities. The world will expect that you try to make yourself a superhero… but what I’m telling you is that the world doesn’t know what a real superhero is.

A real superhero doesn’t have this perfect beach body. He cares less about what others think of him and more about how he thinks of others. A real superhero doesn’t have to throw the last punch. He turns the other cheek. A real superhero doesn’t always have to get the girl in the end. He respects her as a sincere friend (even when that girl is really cute and you kinda lowkey wish you were more than friends). A real superhero doesn’t wear a mask. He isn’t afraid to be himself, and have emotions and be a REAL PERSON. A real superhero doesn’t have unbelievable super strength. Sometimes he gets up in the morning and faces the battles that people don’t talk about… and it’s okay. He’s still a hero.

When you stand up for someone, you’re a superhero. When you embrace your uniqueness, you’re a superhero. And when you understand your weaknesses, you’re a superhero.

And no matter what, you will always be a superhero to me. So you can just go ahead and trash what the world thinks.

– Mom

 

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But hey! You don’t have to be a boy or a girl to want a SUPER EPIC PARTY. If you’re looking to throw an event to top all other events, let me point you in the right direction. Epic Party Events brings an unforgettable experience right to your front door. They have a trailer that hosts 8 4k TV’s and 15 Game consoles. Not to mention photo booths, virtual reality, and yard games.

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You gotta check ’em out at http://epicpartyevents.com/

 

Making a Fool of Myself at Barnes and Noble

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Anyone who knows my husband and I, knows that we love to prank each other. One time, Dan put cottage cheese in my deodorant, changed my birthday and Facebook and announced that I was engaged to a mutual friend all on the SAME April Fool’s Day.

So, naturally, I am always trying to get back at him in any little way I can think of.

One time we were hanging out at Barnes and Noble, because if you didn’t know, that’s how non-nerds spend their time. OBVIOUSLY.

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I was browsing around the aisles while Dan trailed behind me. It came to me that this was a perfectly perfect time to be a really annoying wife. I could tell that he was trying to get around me, so I spread my arms out to the side and did a weird zig-zaggy walk. Basically MAXIMIZING every inch of space so that it was impossible to pass by.

I kicked my knees up with each step. Exaggerating every single movement, because I’m a comedic genius honestly. Anyways, basically, I looked like a marionette being controlled by a preschooler.

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That’s when the Barnes and Noble employee was like, “Um… Excuse me…”

Dan had stopped one aisle over. Letting me do this STUPID dancing block-aid. For like honestly a full minute.

Dummy. Even when I try to get him back he finds a way to turn the tables on me.

Leaving my mark… in the worst way possible

I would say that 90 – 95% of my embarrassing stories have the same formula. I try to make everyone laugh by doing something socially inappropriate… no one laughs and then it’s just inappropriate.

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The summer between my junior and senior year I worked at an Arctic Circle. I wasn’t that great of an employee so this event didn’t really help my rep. One day things were slow, which is the perfect recipe for someone* to do something dumb.

*ME

I was standing by the drive-thru window and I was talking to my manager Drew and my best friend Kayla who also worked there. At some point in the conversation Drew casually throws in a cuss word. And Kayla was all like, “What’d you say??”

What a perfect opportunity to be a comedic genius.

PFFFFT

So I giggle and tell him to repeat the word because I’m an eternal sixth grader. He politely declines but I don’t let it go.

“Here, I’ll write it on the board.”

I grab the nearest marker and write a naughty word SO LARGE that it fills the entire white board. I turn to my manager and squeak out a “just kidding” as I erase the board…

Only NOTHING COMES OFF. I keep passing the eraser over the word again and again but it doesn’t even fade. 

“IT’S NOT COMING OFF!!”

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Then my boss calmly informed me that I had just used a permanent marker. And the white board was like built into the wall so we couldn’t even take it down or anything. Everyone that pulled up in the drive-thru got a BIG OL’ OFFENSIVE WORD with their charbroiled burger. Kayla at this point is incapacitated, lying on the ground and laughing so hard at me she’s bawling.

I didn’t work there very long.