What I’m Getting My Kids for Christmas 2022

December 22, 2022December 21, 2022 valmanwillLeave a comment

I always love the “What I got my kids for Christmas” vlogs. But I don’t want to make a vlog because my kids would inevitably see that. But I realized I had never really done that on my blog before (uhhh that I can remember. Did you know that I’ve had my blog for more than five years now??? CRAZY)
SO ANYWAY, I wrote it down on my list of things to potentially write about.
But… I didn’t realize that in writing it…. I would have to expose the truth about myself…

That I’m a little crazy about Christmas.

“A little”.

So here’s the truth. I LOVE BEING SANTA. SANTA FOR DAYZZZZZZ. CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR DAYS!!! I started planning this after my birthday in August! My Amazon Christmas list was finished by September. I had it shared with the grandmas by October LET’S GOOOOOOO HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALLLLLLLLL. HO HO HOOOOOOO

I have a whole dang tier system this year.

TIER FIVE: TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

Customized stockings with their names on it filled with fidget toys, candy, “Cat’s Vs. Pickles”! Matching woodland creature jammies! A new everyday outfit. Actually MAKE THAT TWO! I’m getting my six year old a LankyBox T-shirt AND Unspeakable shirt. There is no YouTuber too irritating for Christmas this year! My four year old gets a BabyBus Rescue Team tee AND a shirt with a “shivering snowman” on it (his seasonal obsession).

TIER FOUR! LOWER TIER SANTA PRESENTS THAT CAN BE SHARED!

We got coloring books. We got toy bugs. We got water balloons even though it’s freezing outside. You want Aaron Reynolds?? We got Creepy Carrots AND Creepy Crayon! We got a new soccer ball AND net! We got a big magic mat you can draw on with water markers! You never played with a Stomp Rocket before?? WELL NOW YOU CAN!! AFTER YOU PLAY ANTS IN THE PANTS AND DON’T SPILL THE BEANS!!

TIER THREE! SLIGHTLY MORE EXPENSIVE AND INDIVIDUAL PRESENTS FROM SANTA!

I don’t care that all you asked for is a watch and a single car. YOU’RE GETTING A TOY LAPTOP AND A MAZE BOOK TOO! And both of y’all need new shoes. So how about Mario on the right foot and Luigi on the left! How about a pair of CONSTRUCTION CAR SHOES! And then a car that you can take apart like the mini mechanic you are! Just because you’re six months old doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get this COOL MONTESSORI TISSUE BOX, where each pretend crinkly tissue is a different theme. Or how about a toy fabric oven with a squeaky cookie inside?!

TIER TWO! PRESENTS FROM MOM AND DAD UNDER THE TREE!

Oh so you love those irritating YouTubers so much you wanna be one? Well DADDY GOT YOU A KIDDIE INFLUENCER CAMERA SET! And you haven’t had enough cars yet? GOOD! DADDY GOT YOU A WHOLE POLICE INTERACTIVE STATION Hey, baby girl I hope you like your ENTIRE NEW WARDROBE!

TIER ONE! THE COUP DE GRAS!

And last but not least. You know what you two boys need? A GIANT TWO SEATER POWER WHEELS JEEP VROOM VROOM!! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A CONSUMERISM WET DREAM.

COLLECTIVE: THEATRE MISHAPS (PART ONE)

January 31, 2019December 6, 2018 valmanwillLeave a comment

WHAT IS YOUR FUNNIEST LIVE PERFORMANCE MISHAP STORY?

(Some of these stories have been re-written / re-worded for clarity sake.)

#1

I was teching a show once when the power blew out. The theater went completely pitch black for a full couple of minutes while I ran all the way to the power box to flip the breakers.

#2

My hair got caught in another actor’s button while my character was passed out. Both the actors on stage spent several minutes trying to get my hair free from the button, but they ended up having to rip my hair. The audience absolutely lost it and thought it was the funniest thing ever. I managed to maintain my composure and not laugh or open my eyes.

haircaught

#3

I once went down a dark hall to opening curtain and banged my shin into a wooden box. I was out on stage with my legs bleeding all over. The show must go on. Later turned into a huge blood problem called Mersa and almost lost my leg.

#4

I was a maid in the play and I was supposed to come out and give one of the actors a cup of tea. One time during a live performance I couldn’t find my prop teacup and in a panic another actor handed me a random glass to take out. It had some kind of liquid in it but I didn’t pay any attention to it. I gave him the glass and returned backstage. The other actor who gave me the glass freaked out and asked me why I hadn’t told him not to drink it. I asked him why, what was in it. He said, “I don’t know, I just found it out in the hall.” Glad I hadn’t poisoned him!

spittake

#5

Once in Three Musketeers I was to put my head on a solid box after a battle scene. Someone mistakenly put a different a light weight box down.. during a fight scene my head went thru the box and caught my head and ears… the light came up again and I lied there in the box for four or so minutes until the scene change. The show must go on.

#6

I was once in a play that was specifically put on for Elementary kids. In one scene, I had to read a book with my back turned towards the audience. The prop I had was an old medical book with illustrations. And I swear every single time I cracked the book open it would open to a big drawing of a penis that I would accidentally flash the kids with!

#7

It was the last show before striking the set, and I had done the show so many times that it was all second nature to me. So, in my off time, I settled in and started playing Zelda on my DS. I got so absorbed that I missed my cue for about 10 minutes and they couldn’t find me. Pretty embarrassing.

#8

When I was Friar Tuck in Robin Hood. I had costume mishap. There was a part where I swing Robin Hood around on my back. One show, his sword caught my pants and pulled them down. I ad-libbed and said, “Robin you’re a leg man I see.” To this day people think that was part of the script.

pants

#9

For class, we decided to do the ending scene from A Streetcar Named Desire. We weren’t able to get a sugar glass bottle made in time so we decided to use a real one. Big mistake. Somewhere in between breaking the bottle and the tussle, my partner pushed my hand back and I cut up the side of my nose with the glass. We finished out the scene, I bowed and then ran to the bathroom to take care of my bleeding face.

#10

My first show after having a baby was “Annie.” I was Lily St Regis and at one point rooster would throw me over his shoulder and run off stage. Well, this particular show, when he threw me over his shoulder, I ripped a huge fart. His mic was right next to my butt sooooo the whole audience heard it.

Part Two comes out next month! If you have any mishap stories to contribute be sure to send them to me!

The Time My Phone Got Switched with a Detective’s

September 27, 2018September 26, 2018 valmanwillLeave a comment

I haven’t told too many people this story, mostly because it became kinda dangerous to talk about…

I think it’s okay now though. Probably.

nerves

So when I worked as a receptionist I would get a LOT of phone calls. My job was to transfer the call to the right department, which was usually easy but some of the weirder ones were more of a puzzle. Like there were multiple types of IT departments for some reason? And also a lot of people would just straight up give you some weird story that made you want to transfer them to the hang-up department.

Well, one day some of my phone calls started getting weirder than normal.

I’m not even sure what the first one was about. It was in Spanish, which I speak… but that didn’t make me any less confused. The guy was like stressing out about some kind of fine or ticket or something? He was trying to access his criminal records or something. I was like, Bro, this is a printer company… Which just pissed him off worse and he kept repeating that this was the number that the police officer had given him. I hung up like, huh… that was weird. But it just got WEIRDER AND WEIRDER.

ghd
I answer the phone and this guy asks for a detective with a really distinct last name. I don’t feel comfortable publicly disclosing that name, so I’ll just call him Detective Benitez.

Me: *Printer Company Name* This is Valerie. How may I direct your call?
Man: Put me on with Benitez.
Me: … Um. I’m sorry. There’s no one here by that name.
Man: Is this 801-bla-blah?
Me: … yes, that’s my personal line.
Man: Oh are you his assistant then?
Me: I’m a receptionist at a printer company…
Man: Oh, the receptionist. Well, can you deliver him a message?
Me: … uh–
Man: Tell him to stop f—ing harassing me because I never f—ing assaulted her in the first place.
Me: …
Man: Tell him Dale says that.
Me: K. Will do.

I would get these kinds of calls all the time. BUT ONLY ME. The other receptionist’s phone wouldn’t ring because they weren’t calling the main line they were calling me DIRECTLY. And sharing very weird personal incriminating information.

So anyways, one Monday I come in and the little light on my phone is blinking and I’m like… nah fam. Like the only way I have a message on my PERSONAL PHONE is if it’s for this Benitez guy. So I already knew what it was.

I was not prepared for what I was about to hear.

On my phone was a message from a woman relaying some key information about a murder.

K. Now, I know all y’all Criminal Mind bingers are like ooh how interesting. Nah. This scared the … swear word out of me. I felt like I WAS a witness just by association of this event. Like now I had sensitive information that a psycho would not appreciate me having. And this murder was particularly dangerous too… (lol that was dumb, all murders are dangerous. But just know that it was a crazy enough one that my now involvement made me feel really uncomfortable!)

So we tracked down the real detective to give him this super important message. The detective took one look at his business cards and *whoops* TYPO. His number had been printed one digit off and he was doling my number all around town

219649
So that happened! Because my phone number got mixed up I had to deliver some significant evidence to a detective. And if you’re wondering if I would ever turn that premise into a book. UH-YEAH! Of course I will! I even kinda thought it would be fun to set it in the sixties and have it be about a serial killer who entices girls by pretending to be one of the Beatles… HAHAHAHA! Is that dumb?? I’ve never told anyone that idea before. It just kind of blurted out of my fingertips there.

Anyways! I try to often post about crazy stories, embarrassing stories, um stupid book ideas and stuff. Subscribe to follow along if you want more!