Kids Say The Darndest Things – (Nov 22)

Before we had Andie we were very nervous that the boys would be jealous or resentful. But I was not prepared for how aggressively in love with her they would actually be. They’re like obsessed. I can’t even keep them away from her. They will dead a$$ stop everything they are doing and have to hug and kiss her every five minutes. I’m being literal. It might even be less intervals than five minutes


Casey has now combined “oh my gosh” with “holy cow” and walks around exclaiming “Oh my cow!”


JACK: We don’t wipe our boogers on baby Andie right?
DAN: … No
JACK: Yeah cause she probably wants to be clean.


We recently hired a new babysitter named “Makenzie”. And when I first told Casey her name he repeated it back as “Mechanics?” Now no matter how many times I correct him he keeps asking me “Is she really good at fixing cars?”


JACK (taking a selfie with Dan): Dad, you look good. Like an old chef.


CASEY: (whispering) Tell the story about the gingerbread man.

ME: Okay. Once upon a time-

CASEY: (whispering) No, tell the story about the gingerbread man burned me and I died. And then you plugged me in and I charged up. And then the bubbles from my tongue made me fart.
ME: …
CASEY: (whispering) Tell that one.


JACK: If I have this little cut on my foot I will survive.


Dan was sweetly carrying Casey past the stairs.

CASEY: Don’t throw me down the stairs, Dad.


I was scrubbing toilets when Casey came up behind me.

CASEY: Oh my goodness! Why is the potty so colorful? Can I have a turn?

So I shrugged and let him have a whack with the toilet scrubber. He swirled it around slowly.

CASEY: Mommy, do I look like a witch?


I picked up Jack and his best friend Emmy from school and this was the conversation in our car.

EMMY: (to me) Do you know what a secret crush is? Because I have one.

ME: Ohhhh wow! How fun!

JACK: Have you ever had your heart outside of yourself and smooshed and it’s like you’re dead but you’re not really dead?

ME: What? (laughing) Did a secret crush do that to you?

JACK: No. No one’s ever been in MY heart.

Kids Say the Darndest Things (catch up)

ME: Ooh, Jack is a rebel.
CASEY: Yeah, Jack is Rubble and I’m Chase!


Every time Dan would come home, he would throw the kids high in the air. He tried to teach them to say Buzz Lightyear’s catchphrase before he threw them: “To Infinity and Beyond!”. But for some reason both of them would cry, “Two Fifty and Beyond!”. So then Dan tried to switch to Woody: “There’s a snake in my boot!” But all he got was “There’s a sneaky in my boot.” and “There’s a stinky in my butt.”


CASEY: I don’t want a quesadilla I want a Jacky-dea.


JACK: *leaving to go to school* Bye! Have fun playing with the kids!


Caught my dang three-year-old trying to stick a screwdriver in an outlet. I yelled at him to stop, explained how dangerous that is, that he could even DIE. He literally scoffed, rolled his eyes and said:

CASEY: It’s fine, Mom. Then I’d just be a zombie.


JACK: I don’t like white popsicles because they taste like ants. Isn’t that icky?
ME: How do you know what ants taste like?
JACK: I don’t know but it gives me a headache to think about.


CASEY: *playing with Dan* Boom you’re trapped! I’m a police officer!
DAN: Did you read me my rights?
CASEY: Yeah I’ll do that. *pretends to hold a book* Once upon a time Daddy was trapped and went to jail.


JACK: *points to his Spaghettios* I call these “blowy basgettios”. You know why?
ME: Why?
JACK: Because you blow em like this *blows* like how you have to blow a mosquito.
ME: Like… blowing a mosquito away?
JACK: Not mosquito, I meant to say noodle.
ME: *laughs* what?


DAN: *to me* Hit the AC will ya?
CASEY: No, Dad! It’s B and then C. A B C.


JACK: Does grandma live on Earth?
ME: … yeah. Utah is on Earth.
JACK: Ohhhhhhhhh!


CASEY: (holding up a toy) Should I break this?
ME: No, you shouldn’t
CASEY: Well what can I break?
ME: You can break my heart when you grow up too fast.
CASEY: (imitates a breaking sound) Pssh! Your heart is broken!
ME: Yeah it is 😭

Kids Say the Darndest Things (January)

JACK: We live on (our street name)
CASEY: No, we live in a house!


JACK: Ugh! I can’t reach the fan when I jump. … (quietly to himself) If I had webs I could reach it.


Casey was hangry and crying in the backseat.

DAN: Casey, look, do you want chicken and fries from Popeyes?

CASEY: *sniff* I don’t want Poopeyes.


JACK: Casey, we have 10 minutes left… 10… 9… 8


Dan and I were being dorks and talking to each other in an Italian accent.

CASEY: *scoffs* That’s not what Luigi says!


I was explaining to Jack about Valentines Day when suddenly he got so excited he exclaimed:

JACK: Mom, I’m so proud of you! You make the sky so happy!


Casey sitting in the laundry basket.

CASEY: Moooom push me! I don’t know how to drive this thing!


DAN: Your Mommy’s super cute. What’s her number?
JACK: 31


ME: Hey, baby, can you do me a special favor?
CASEY: Sure I’ll go make you a ice cream! *runs off to the play kitchen without even hearing what the favor was*


I was tucking Jack in for the night when he asked:

JACK: If you made it to 100 that would be a long time right?

ME: Yep. That would be pretty old.

JACK: Yeah, but if you made it to 167 you would break the loop. So that’s why you can’t.

ME: *laying awake in bed for hours staring wide-eyed at the ceiling*