The FACE

Okay. I’m pretty embarrassed to share this piece of information with you… because it’s going to ‘out’ basically every guy I’ve ever been attracted to.

So, sometime during my mid-twenties, like already married and everything, I was talking to a best friend of mine about past dating life, celebrity crushes and that sort of girl gab… And I told her that I have a really, really specific type that I like physically…

 

REENACTMENT TIME. Two friends having a shallow conversation over a tray of chicken nuggets.

Me: So, every single celebrity and guy I’ve been attracted to has the same face. The Same. Exact. Face.

Her: Haha. Okay, like what?

Me: Brown eyes. Most importantly.

Her: Most importantly?

Me: As big as humanly possible. Freakishly big brown puppy dog eyes.

Her: Is that it? They all have big, brown eyes?

Me: Well… And I like brunettes.

Her: Sure. A natural with the brown eyes. Short hair or long?

Me: You know that sixties hair where it’s like swooped over but still with decent side-burns?

Her: Ooh yeah.

Me: I like cheekbones. Like when their cheeks ball up when they smile.

Her: Oh yeah, that’s cute.

Me: Just a lot of face. An overwhelming amount of face. Like the chunkier the dude the better.

Her: Uh…

Me: And like, I know I should probably be trying to breed out my big nose, but I love long noses. A real man’s nose.

Her: You… you know you just perfectly described… feature by feature… Woody from Toy Story, right?

Me: …

Her: …

Me:

jcena

!!!

 

No, this is not a joke. And no, this is not an exaggeration either. I have no idea why I didn’t put it together sooner. Honest to goodness, not lying or making this up… three of my past love interests have even told me DIRECTLY that other people say they look like Woody (my husband included).

And okay, this best friend I was talking to reassured me that every girl had “A Face”. And she showed me hers. Hers was normal. Hers was like a Ben Affleck looking face. MINE IS A CARTOON TOY OKAY? HOW IS THAT A NORMAL HUMAN EXPERIENCE?

And like the creepiest part of it… is that I have always loved Woody. A little too much. Like once I got a Woody doll as a Christmas present and I actually cried over it. I do not know why I’m so attached to him as a character. I think maybe… loyalty? He’s super loyal throughout the series? (I’ve heard #4 is questionable here. I haven’t seen it yet) But, Toy Story One came out when I was five… which is a pretty impressionable age, right?

lmao

Another theory here. It’s not actually Woody. It’s Daniel. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence that I was actively and purposefully seeking Dan’s exact face. Not to mention really specific personality traits that my husband has perfectly. It’s… very odd. I don’t know that I believe in soul mates, but it honestly almost feels like I remembered what Daniel looked like and I was trying to find him.

Either that or I’m really hot for Toy Story. Whatever.

A Sappy Post About My Sappy Wedding Anniversary

Guess what day it is?

 

Five years ago TODAY Daniel and I were marrrrrrrried. Woooohoooo! In honor of this sweet, sweet, milestone, I decided to write a sweet, sweet blog post for my sweet, sweetheart. It will be so sweet in fact that it might make you sick if you ingest too much of it… so be prepared. CUZ IT’S ABOUT TO GET ROMANTIC UP IN HERE.

oneiwant

Dan. What up, bro?

Maybe no one else will read this post. And that’s okay. Because today is about you, my love. So I’ve been thinking lately, about all the times you’ve told me how you feel “boring”. And that’s just crazy. For me, you are the opposite of boring. You fascinate me. My life comes alive anytime you come home from work or wake up next to me or spend time with me (when you honestly could be doing anything else at the moment). My heart goes from zero to fifty, like, just at the chance to hang out with you, because you are just a big ball of FUN. And I wish I could think of a better way to say that… like, you know, if only I were some kind of an author or something and I knew how to write words.

I love the way your eyes crinkle when you smile. And I love your laughs. Sometimes you have this high pitched “HA” and then other times you sound like a freaking duck choking on a popsicle stick. I love it though. Like that’s when I know we’re on a super good inside joke, is when we’re both WHEEZING like we’re dying.

I love how at the end of the day when we put the kids to bed, our activity of choice is trashy reality TV with a side of cheesecake. Like, that’s all I want in life, honestly. But I also love the things you watch when you’re not with me. Like, documentaries about lions and people detailing their car or something. Videos with scammers scamming other scammers. And divers collecting stuff in muddy rivers. I just like the small interests you have. I don’t know. It’s attractive to me. Because, sure, like you could be SUPER into sports or something. And be that guy who’s into sports. Or working out or something that is some general interest. But I really like that you like weird things. I like when you want to show me a video about space or tell me a weird fact you learned that day. I really, really love that about you.

OH MY GOSH and how lucky that we have the same taste in movies? I mean, basically. All I want to watch are old movies. And you adamantly refuse to watch the same movie twice unless it’s Black Hawk Down or American Sniper (for some reason?).

dankids

I love the unique way you walk. I love your voice. I loved your voice when you called me up for our first date, even though I basically interrupted you to tell you I was on the news for doing a flash mob. Ah, the way you say my name too. When you’re talking to someone else about me it’s this nice soft “Val”. But when I’m in trouble it’s, “VAL-REE!”

This is selfish, but I really love the way you love me. I love that you confidently tell people that I’m an author. Like as if I already had a successful career or something. And when you want to bring me to all your parties because you think “I’m an ace up your sleeve”. (I wish!)

aww

I love the way you love the kids. You are a great dad. You worry that you’re not. But you really really are. You are always RIGHT THERE to take them and play with them. Give me a break or help me with something around the house. Ha. You are the Starsky to my Hutch when it comes to chores. I’m so incredibly lucky that I married a guy as helpful as you are.

Seriously, and it’s not just me. Like that is your legacy. I think you get a call every freaking day from SOMEONE needing your help and advice. Whether it’s about car stuff, or medicine, or a financial decision. YOU are the person that everyone turns to because you are competent AF!!

dadgrad

You make me happy every single day, with all the puns. And all the pranks. There has not been a single day that I have not laughed since I met you. You are a hidden treasure in a lifetime ocean of day by day challenges. (Another “River Rat” reference?) Just when I think there is no possible way I could love you more, you do something else that gets me. I feel like the Grinch, except my heart is blowing up to like thirty sizes bigger.

I just love you. That’s it. I really do.

Making a Fool of Myself at Barnes and Noble

awklife

Anyone who knows my husband and I, knows that we love to prank each other. One time, Dan put cottage cheese in my deodorant, changed my birthday and Facebook and announced that I was engaged to a mutual friend all on the SAME April Fool’s Day.

So, naturally, I am always trying to get back at him in any little way I can think of.

One time we were hanging out at Barnes and Noble, because if you didn’t know, that’s how non-nerds spend their time. OBVIOUSLY.

bandn

I was browsing around the aisles while Dan trailed behind me. It came to me that this was a perfectly perfect time to be a really annoying wife. I could tell that he was trying to get around me, so I spread my arms out to the side and did a weird zig-zaggy walk. Basically MAXIMIZING every inch of space so that it was impossible to pass by.

I kicked my knees up with each step. Exaggerating every single movement, because I’m a comedic genius honestly. Anyways, basically, I looked like a marionette being controlled by a preschooler.

Spooky

That’s when the Barnes and Noble employee was like, “Um… Excuse me…”

Dan had stopped one aisle over. Letting me do this STUPID dancing block-aid. For like honestly a full minute.

Dummy. Even when I try to get him back he finds a way to turn the tables on me.

The Time I REALLY Told the Wrong Punchline

When my husband and I were dating, I decided that I was going to tell him a little joke…

I’m not going to tell you what the joke was, because honestly it was an inappropriate joke and I shouldn’t have been telling it in the first place. All I’ll say, is that it had to do with a handshake and a leprechaun.

saint_patricks_day_Leprechaun_20LG
That’s it… that’s all I’m going to tell you about it.

As I begin to tell him, I remembered how funny the punchline was… and it made me laugh before I could even get to said punchline. I started laughing really hard. So hard that … I farted. Audibly.

I vividly remember Dan blinking in confusion, wondering if that was part of the joke. IT WAS NOT. But now I’m laughing and crying of pure humiliation. And I never was able to finish that joke.

It was bad. But he still married me.

 

Just a short story today. You can click HERE for more embarrassing stories if you want to laugh at me. Go ahead… it’s fine… I won’t even know…

How I Met My Husband

In honor of our third year anniversary coming up, I thought I’d share our “cute meet”.

in love

So… I went on a date with this guy… not my husband. We got locked inside The Training Table and spent 4 hours making a zombie apocalypse plan. You know, just your normal typical American date… wait, right? It was super fun but also super mutually platonic. In fact, this guy (his name is Scott) felt like he was on a date with his friend Dan the entire night because we were so alike. Later, he went up to said Dan and was like…

SCOTT: “You need to go out with this girl… she is exactly like you… but a girl.”

DAN: “No!!! NO MORE SET UPS!”

Dan had been over saturated with being set up by the time that I came along and was completely over it. Fortunately, Scott went about it in a clever way. He invited me to a party that Dan was having at his house. Sneaky, sneaky!

I-SEE-WHAT-YOU-DID-THERE

It was a President’s Day party, which was super unique and I didn’t have anything else going on because school was off for the day. So my good friend Alison and I decided to go together. And the weird part was that I had this conversation with Ali on the way up.

ME: “Maybe you’ll meet your future husband at this party!”

ALI: “Yeah right, that’ll probably happen to you.”

ME: “I seriously doubt it.”

I actually wasn’t even going to stay very late at the party because I had a date the next morning. (I went on SO MANY dates back then.)

making things hawt

We get there. We park on this dark little street in Salt Lake and then walk up to this huge fancy house… (Which I still think is Scott’s house because he’s the one who invited me. I’m like, “Wow! I didn’t know Scott was loaded!”) Anyway, we rang the doorbell… and this suuuuuuuper cute brunette guy answers the door.

I’m immediately BLOWN AWAY. He has the most perfect brown eyes, which was like my thing that I was really into. And this amazing smile. Honestly, I could have just dropped dead on the porch because DANG! This doorman is 10/10. I even leaned over to Ali and whispered, “I REALLY hope this is the right party if that guy’s going to be here!”

londondawg

I’m probing my friends all night like: Who is that guy that answered the door? Does anyone know that guy that answered the door? ‘Kay but, that guy that answered the door is super-hot! Who is he?

I was totally creeping on him but he was trying to host in his big ol’ house, so I didn’t get a chance to talk to him for a while. A little bit later on, I’m hanging out with Ali and company… and then all of the sudden I overhear Door-Answering-Guy saying this to someone else:

DAN: “I tried to take a girl to the Ted Bundy house for a date once… it did not go over well.”

I FREAKED out! And not because he kind of sounded like a serial killer… but because this dude is not only really attractive, he’s also adventurous, funny and loves creepy stuff like me! At this point I’m like… okay… I need to infiltrate this conversation. So I wedge myself in between him and the guy and gave him my ring size… Just kidding, it was probably something more like:

ME: “Hey, I couldn’t help overhearing. But I also love breaking into abandoned houses and such.”

Right in that moment our spooky little hearts clicked. And then we kept discovering more weird stuff that we both liked. “What?! I like watching awful movies too!” “Omg! I love pranking people.” “No, Halloween is MY favorite holiday!” “You do that? I DO THAT! I didn’t know anyone else did that!” We might as well have had horse blinders on because we totally tuned out anyone else around us.

murdermystery

We could not stop talking. One in the morning… Two in the morning… Three in the morning. I sent Ali a text on the sly:

ME: “Thank you so much for being such a good friend and staying with me! I’m really digging this guy right now!”

When my mom called wondering where I had died at this ungodly hour, I sent her a less gracious message:

ME: “Mom just CHILL OUT! I think I found my eternal companion okay? Don’t make me look lame in front of him!”

festival

When I finally was able to be dragged away and into the car outside I remember saying,

ME: “Was that my soul mate? That was so easy! I don’t know why I was so worried about meeting him!”

Scott never even had to introduce us. As soon as we met the dirty deed was done. Things continued to be just as easy from there and he proposed to me two and a half months after the party.

elsaadvice
Whew! It’s good that Daniel wasn’t just after my kingdom.

 

 

Life is unpredictable. You never know when you could meet the love of your life or see a dream come true. And if you still don’t feel hopeful then listen to this lovely uplifting song by Annie! Let her voice convince you that life is worth living and why.