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Kids Say the Darndest (November 2021)

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Casey had his annual check up and right when he got his flu shot he said:
CASEY: I got hurted today!
And then later in the car he was quiet for a long time and finally said all offended:
CASEY: They shot me!

JACK: Baby shark doesn’t have arms. He just has triangles
DAN: … fins?

DAN: Who’s your favorite brother?
JACK: Casey
CASEY: Google
JACK: (offended) That’s just nothing!
CASEY Oh, okay, how about Jack.

JACK: *talking to his toy pancake* Hey Food, you want to come to my room with me? *puts his ear on top of the toy pancake* … the food says yes.

JACK: Do you wanna play a challenge game with me?
CASEY: No, I’m busy. *starts playing with a toy car* Beep beep beep

*Puts his hand on my head and then takes it off quickly*
CASEY: It was on your head.
ME: What was it?? A bug?
CASEY: No, a hand.

UNCLE JEREMY: I’m the boss!
CASEY: I’m the bus.
UNCLE JEREMY: No, I’m the boss.
CASEY: Yeah, we’re both buses.

*A legit actual conversation that happened in the minivan*

JACK: What day of the week is it?
ME: Thursday.
CASEY: No, it’s “Fives-day”
JACK: No, it’s not “Fives-day”! If it were “Fives-day” it would be the weekend! Like “Saturn-day”.
ME: … *trying not to laugh*
JACK: Mom, can we go to Saturn? I’ve never been to Saturn before.
ME: Oh, me neither.
JACK: We can go and it will have rings… (quietly) And Uncle Ryan will be there.
ME: What? *not able to hold back my laugh* Uncle Ryan lives in Utah.
JACK: …
ME: …
JACK: Can we go to Utah?
ME: Yeah, hopefully sometime soon.
JACK: (to himself) And I can wear my purple pants. Because I’ve never worn my purple pants in Utah before.

Kids Say the Darndest (Oct 2021)

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Jack kept requesting this video that he called “Stinky Nose”. And we could not figure out for the life of us what “Stinky Nose” was. We were typing it full out into the YouTube search and everything and couldn’t find it. Then finally we discovered that it was a video where they put “sticky notes” all over someone’s house and apparently Jack thinks they’re called “stinky nose”.

Right after installing our Google assistant:
CASEY: Hey Google, can I have a cookie?

ME: Tomorrow you’re going to be three!
CASEY: No, I’m not going to be three. I’m going to be fourteen.
JACK: Then you would be a grown-up

ME: How old are you?
CASEY: THREE!
ME: That’s right! *goes to give a high five*
CASEY: No, this many. *puts two of my fingers down*

JACK: (out of nowhere) We don’t flush cats down the toilet right?
ME: … what?
JACK: Because then people would be sad their pet was gone.

GRANDMA: It’s available for pick up
CASEY: No not “pick up”, it’s called a “hiccup”, grandma.

*Opens a dumdum sucker.*
JACK: Ooh that looks like Saturn!

Found out this month that both of my kids think a mummy is called a “mommy”.

DAN: (teasing) Are you a bus?
CASEY: No, I’m a Casey
DAN: *grabs his foot* Is this your tire?
CASEY: …
*a full minute later*
CASEY: (to himself) I’m a bus.

JACK: I like you
ME: I like you too!
JACK: Yeah we both like us!

Detective Big Nose – The Mummy

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And now another tantalizing mystery from the detective series I wrote in 1997…

“A mummy? (This one’s harder)” “Clue: the jewel is red.” “How and who stole the jewel? Let’s find out!”
“Hey! What’s this?”
“The Fox Rest Place”
“What’s this?”
“Oh no!” cries Big Nose. “The mummy!”
The mummy runs away.
“It’s a picture of Carter. And he has something red,” Maggie said.
“Hmm,” says Big Nose. “I think it’s the jewel,” said Big Nose, pointing to it.
“Meanwhile at Carters…
‘Carter, what’s this?’ Big Nose asked.
‘My bouncy ball,’ Carter says. ‘But if I’m the mummy how come I saw the mummy?’
‘Tell the story,’ Big Nose says pulling out a chair.
‘Well, it was 5:00 when I saw the mummy with the jewel.’
Big Nose thought. ‘Which window?’
‘Just out this west window.’
A huge smile danced across Big Nose’s face. ‘5:00 pm?’
Carter thought. ‘Yes.’
Big Nose slapped some handcuffs across Carter’s wrists.
How did Big Nose know it was Carter?

‘Here’s how: Do you look out a window with the sun shining into it? If Carter looked out a west window, if it was 5:00 PM it would be shining in his eyes, he would have seen nothing.

THE END lol