Well I finally sat down and watched all of Bridgerton. The postpartum hormones always dictate that I must binge a period romance, so I knew this show would hit just right.
1. Important things first: Simon’s butt looks totally fake. Who has a butt like that?? Like two perfect cocoa bowling balls side by side.
2. I like how the bun on Lady Danbury’s head keeps drooping to the side because honestly girl, same.
3 Pretty cool to see minorities in roles that I otherwise wouldn’t see them perform.
4 Why the f does Daphne look like an exact replica of the Wendy Darling cartoon?
5 This is a hecka spicy show. This is two chili symbols on a Thai menu spicy.
6 Wow Simon’s sperm donor of a father is the human equivalent of rat poison.
7. Wait, wait, wait you can have sex on a ladder!?!? Is that possible?
8. Oh, the staircase now? These people have a step fetish.
9 I told Dan that for some reason the swelling orchestral pop covers during the sex scenes made me blush/cringe more. He asked me if I’d rather have 70s porno music and like … maybe??? Idk why it’s so embarrassing to me
10 It’s season two and where is Simon? Simon is just gone now. This major character is a passing commentary now.
11. Why don’t I remember season two as well as season one? All I remember is that Edwina didn’t deserve any of this.
12 Kate has insanely beautiful cheekbones. Is there a better way to say this? Bone structure? “Girl. Nice skull. Good job growing that.”
13. This gazebo has seen more action than I have all summer.
14 Look I’ll say it, Colin Bridgerton is the most naïve dude. Unpopular opinion, but maybe Penn is too good for him after all. She’s definitely too smart for him anyway.
15 Maybe this is me projecting my own neurodivergence, but at first I really disliked Eustace… Wait wtf that’s not her name. That’s the old man from Courage the Cowardly Dog. Eunice? … Eloise!!! WOW. ok. Anyways at first I found her character irritating but after finishing the series I decided that actually no, she is the best one. She is the best Bridgerton. Next season can be her season and all the subsequent seasons like I don’t really care.
16 PS after Googling Eloise’s name I found out Julie Andrews does the voice-over for Lady Whistledown wtf. How did I not piece that together myself???
17 Why do I have such a weakness for men with trauma-induced quirks? THAT STUTTER. THAT FEAR OF BEES.
18 Welp. I finished that in two days… When does season three come out?
Spoilers obviously. Because I’m too lazy to edit myself.
1. I like Eddie. But probably because he is straight ten under that Glam Metal wig. Haha hey Doja Cat ain’t wrong.
2. There are too many antagonists to keep track of. We got The Russians, Russian demogorgon, Russian demodogs, Russian peanut butter smuggler, Brennar, Sullivan, Brennar’s men, Sullivan’s men, Vecna, the serial killer from the 50s, the serial killer that turns out to be Henry that turns out to be 001 that turns out to be Vecna, Angelica, the entire skating rink for some reason, the other psychic kids at the lab, Jason, the basketball team, the angry hicks, bats, vines, vague mind flayer references, Will’s haircut.
3. The way the Duffer Bros does bullies is so weird to me. Remember in season one when the kid forced Mike to jump to his death or else he’d cut out Dustin’s teeth with a pocket knife (like holy sh*t what haha)
4. I don’t know who I want to complain more about, Jason or Sullivan… Alright Jason.
5. What the eff is this guy doing? I totally get being upset about your girlfriend’s murder but breaking into people’s houses with baseball bats, buying guns and tormenting little girls at the playground are not it bro. IMHO I think Jason should’ve just been a normal non-asshole kid who is trying to solve his girlfriend’s murder and gets caught up in the cult theory. It still could have culminated to the showdown with Lucas at the end and it would have been more intense stakes vs annoying af.
6. My favorite thing about Jason is how much of a better suspect he would have been over Eddie. He has connections to two of the victims. His attempts to pin things on Munson are SO over the top and violent. The police quite literally find him at the scene of the crime. And yet when he incites a riot of townspeople they’re like ‘This is fine.’ LOL Just reiterating, it would’ve been far more interesting to have him be a normal kid trying to clear his name instead of an irritating little 💩
7. Also the interpersonal conflict between protagonists is sooooo stale. Literally the only conflict is “You don’t romantically love me as much as I romantically love you.” It’s boooooring. I’m booooooored. Can’t they do two characters disagreeing on a plan? Or like some misunderstanding? Maybe Steve or Nancy really believes Eddie is bad news like idk please anything else.
8. Most of the original characters are so blah now. I find Will to be a tragically underused character. Here is someone who literally lived and survived in the Upside Down for months, was connected into the hive mind, and yet no one comes to him for advice or seems to care about him in general. In season one, they repeatedly talked about how he was the smartest of the kids, but in seasons three and four he spends all his screen time crying.
9. The Russian storyline is kinda stupid… but not as stupid as the season 3 Russian base under the mall. THE. MALL. “Wherre should we poot top secrret base?” “How about underrneath public place with hundreds of civilian fooot trraffic?” HAHAHA remember how they discovered it too? They heard the damn kiddie carousel in the background of the Russian transmission. Why would the carousel be audible in the transmission!?!? Was he riding it while he recorded it? THE MALL BASE PLOT IS SO STUPID.
10. Is it just me or did Robin’s personality completely invert?? Like last season she was a snarky genius who learned Russian in a day or whatever (lawls). But this season she’s been reduced to this ditzy “Oh noooooo but what if I trip!?!?!?” I mean idk maybe I don’t remember her in last season very well.
11. Wait WHAT!?!?!? What do you mean Jamie Campbell Bower did the Vecna voice with no alterations. What??? WHAT??? How is that range humanly possible? Here I’ll link a video you can see how talented he is. https://youtube.com/shorts/kbUnmdCHcX4?feature=share
12. R U serious? Those mother-duffers always kill off the best ones. Can’t wait to see Eddie come back as a vampire next season.
A long time ago, toward the beginning of the 2020 quarantine, I posted this joke:
And well YOU ASKED FOR IT.
So here are my top three break-down theories on Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. (Spoilers. But if you haven’t seen this movie yet, I really don’t know what you’re waiting for)
1 Cameron Fry is the protagonist. Ferris Bueller is the narrator
The last time I watched this movie, I thought to myself, “This would make an excellent YA novel from the point of view of Cameron Fry.” That’s when the dynamic really became clear. This movie is Cameron’s story. Not Ferris’.
At the beginning of the movie, we see Ferris Bueller… super cool, untouchable, clever, and mischievous. And at the end of the movie, we see Ferris Bueller… super cool, untouchable, clever, and mischievous. He remains constant throughout the movie, he doesn’t have an arc. He doesn’t change. And he’s not supposed to! He acts as a constant change agent that shapes all the other characters around him. (More on that in point two).
In the contrast, we see Cameron at the beginning of the movie- sick, miserable, “not dying, just can’t think of anything good to do”. The character has a problem to be solved, like all good and compelling protagonists. He’s about to make a change. It’s The Hero’s Journey. He’s had the literal “call to adventure” and is now being forced out of his comfort zone into this crazy escapade with his best friend.
It’s not even Ferris’ DAY OFF, if you think about it. Ferris has already missed school nine times up to this point. This is Cameron’s Day Off.
Ferris is the narrator for Cameron’s story. Even stylistically, he breaks the fourth wall to look into the camera and address the audience directly. If you still don’t believe Cameron is the main character, consider this: Ferris doesn’t talk about the other characters. He’s not telling you how he met Sloane. Hardly the only thing he says about Jeanie is that she got a car and he didn’t. Throughout the movie, he tells the audience about Cameron. His cold relationships with his parents, his character flaws. Cameron Fry is the focus because he is about to make the biggest change (AKA protagonist)
2. Ferris helps the characters grow up not down
At a quick glance, you might think that Ferris is encouraging his friends to go off on a childish adventure. But he’s not. He’s forcing them to challenge authority and assume their own identities as adults. They’re not skipping school to go to the local arcade (which is what Rooney thinks they’re doing). He’s taking them to art museums, fine restaurants, and even the stock exchange. At every moment he’s challenging them to give up their passive childhood for an independent adulthood. Even Sloane is challenged by Ferris in this way when he asks her if she wants to get married.
It’s not about the irresponsibility, although he knows how to do that well. As the active change agent in the story he has a motive for each person. For example, it’s not about stealing the car, he’s getting Cameron to challenge his father.
In the B story, Jeanie is also forced to change in this way. She constantly gripes and moans about having no control in her life (If I was BLEEDING out my eyes you’d still make me go to school). Then after a therapeutic conversation with Charlie Sheen, she has FERRIS busting his a$$ to beat her home and SHE is the one to save him from Rooney. In parellel to Cameron’s story, she takes back her control.
3. Ferris Bueller is actually John Lennon
You really think I could go one blog post without mentioning this guy??
Okay but this is FOR REAL. I know a fellow Lennon-obsessed writer when I see one. And Hughes no-doubt-in-my-mind modeled Ferris Bueller after John Lennon. He basically tells us upfront.
Ferris first directly name drops Lennon to the audience, by quoting; “I don’t believe in Beatles, I just believe in me.” Then he tells us, “I could be The Walrus.”
Ferris spends the movie as the leader, challenging authority and encouraging mischief and mayhem a la “A Hard Day’s Night”. Hughes even recreated the same shot of them jumping in slow motion with their arms raised.
Then of course to cap it all off. He lip syncs to Twist and Shout on the parade float. And I really don’t know how you can get anymore obvious than that.
If you don’t believe that Hughes would go to such lengths to model a character after Lennon, consider The Breakfast Club, when the janitor readily admits that he wanted to “grow up and become John Lennon”. Or when Brian the Brain whispers to himself about being The Walrus.
At the very end of the film, Ferris leans back in his hands and says the classic line, “Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once and a while you could miss it.”
…Which is supposedly a derivative of this quote…
BONUS!
I truly feel that I would be amiss to not lead you into this excellent conspiracy theory from the inner depth of Redditt. The theory is that Ferris is actually a figment of Cameron’s imagination. It’s a more compelling theory than you would think! I’ll leave the video here, so you can have your mind blown.
valmanwill.com 