The Time I Passed Out at Work

December 20, 2018November 27, 2018 valmanwillLeave a comment

Right out of high school I got a job as a seating hostess at an Italian restaurant. It was only my second day so I was trying to make a good impression. So when I got this monster of a stomach ache I didn’t want to tell anyone I was in pain.

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It was only my second day! I didn’t want to ALREADY be like, hi, I think I need to go home… or at least sit down. I couldn’t be a wimp like that when I knew that it could just very well magically resolve itself.

So instead of asking for a bit of a break or taking care of myself in any way, I did this: I stood at still as possible at the podium and locked my knees. I don’t know if anyone else has this kind of logic… but if I’m in pain I just stay as still as Dr. Grant trying to evade a T-Rex then I don’t have to feel my own insides.

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I stood stiffly like that for a couple of hours honestly. But I was not going to give in and tell everyone that I was suffering. That is not what I am about. I could be trapped under a cement roller and choose a squishy death over “bothering” someone with my needy problems.

I guess when you black out the first thing to go is your peripheral vision. That’s what happened to me anyway. It took me all the way to tunnel vision before I was like, hmm, I should probably say something to someone. I turned to my manager Kristin and all I got out was, “Hey, Kristin. I don’t feel very good–”

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It was weird. I could hear my other manager yell, “She’s going to pass out.” And I felt them catch me. But then all of the sudden I was asleep. I actually had a dream when I was passed out. I swear that’s always in the movies but that actually happened to me. I dreamt I was at a theme park with my mom and sister, so when I woke up on my back on a bench in a restaurant waiting area, I was more than a little disoriented. It took a minute to remember oh yeah, wait… wasn’t I at my new job?

Me: What happened?

A Cook: You passed out. Here have a coke. *hands me a class of soda*

Me: Thanks? … What?

There were SO many people around. I don’t know how long I was out, but long enough to gather a small crowd. This one guest was like FRANTIC AF. He shoved past everyone to get to me and was like half-yelling at me.

Guy: Are you a diabetic?

Me: What? No.

Guy: Are you sure?

Me: Yeah…

Guy: Do you want me to call your doctor to find out if you’re a diabetic?

Me: I… I’m not a diabetic.

He shoved a little green mint into my hand (even though I was already holding a full glass of Coke)

Guy: I grabbed a mint off my table, because you’re diabetic.

Me: Oh, but I’m not… okay, thanks.

I was out long enough for them to have called my mom to come and get me, which if you knew the majestic levels of worry that my mother can achieve then you know how the rest of my day went. It was embarrassing to have to take sick leave not even 48 hours into this new job. But hey, at least I got a Coke and a mint…

The Time I Went to Festival of Colors

October 11, 2018October 11, 2018 valmanwillLeave a comment

Listen… can I tell someone else’s embarrassing story? Like I was involved, but mostly just to enjoy the misfortune of this particular person. I feel like it’s cheating to use my blog to embarrass other people but… I just really REALLY LOVE TELLING THIS STORY.

Okay, so we’ll call this guy… Sam. So Sam was my super close best friend. And we basically did everything together. One of the things we decided to do was go to The Festival of Colors.

If you don’t know, The Festival of Colors or Holi is a Hindu spring festival to celebrate love and life. Everyone gathers together to throw chalk paint on each other and it’s just a ridiculous amount of fun.

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We decided to go in the morning because Sam had a date to the Spring Formal later that evening. Why he thought he could do the three-hour drive there and back and still make it to the dance… beats me haha. But here’s the real kicker… they were going to have a day date activity and he actually had white-lied an excuse to get out of it so he could go to Festival of Colors instead. (I want to make it clear that Sam is not a d-bag even a bit and he felt really bad about this the whole time.)

So we get there and immediately decide that we’re going to go ALL IN on this experience. So we pushed through to get as much into the crowd as possible. We had so much chalk thrown on us that we went from lightly sprinkled to a thick layer of brown in like ten minutes.

Then Sam asks a couple of guys to hoist him up so he can crowd surf. Now I’ve been to more than a handful of concerts by then so I know that he’s A) about to be groped and B) about to have his shoes stolen. So I yell to him, “Quick! Give me your shoes! Give me your shoes!” But it was too late. As he desperately tried to untie his shoes, someone else beat him to it. They took his shoes off and threw them on the roof of the pavilion outside of the temple. So those were gone forever.

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Anyways. We finish out the rest of the event, Sam in his socks the whole time. And then suddenly we realize Woooooah. He is going to be late for the dance

We are FLYING home at the most dangerous speeds I’ve probably ever experienced in a car. We calculate that we would arrive home at the exact moment that his date was supposed to be showing up at his house. Now keep in mind that Sam was trying to keep his attendance at Festival of Colors a secret from her. Also, we were layered in two inches thick of chalk paint.

It’s also important to note that the only way I could convince my mom to give me permission to get that dirty was on the condition that I was not to come home that dirty. So I had planned to take a shower at Sam’s house… which is fine, except for now Sam is like asking me to hide until he leaves with his date so she doesn’t see another girl in a towel and misinterpret what’s going on. Does this sound like a rom-com yet?

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Somehow we miraculously beat her to the house. We rush inside and he yells at me before he hops in the shower, “Run into my room and pick out something for me to wear and lay it out on my bed!” Wait, what? Me??

I don’t even know what I grabbed for him. I think it was a black button-up shirt and a mustard yellow blazer… which I probably dusted with all the crap that was on my hands. The outfit was picked out but then we had another problem… Sam did not have an extra pair of shoes to wear. So he grabbed a pair of his brother’s which were honestly chewed up to hell and I think he would have been better off with socks.

Anyways, despite ALL OF THIS. He somehow gets showered and dressed JUST in time for the date to ring the doorbell. Now I’m hiding out in his room as per his wishes so I did not see the final product Sam that walked out the door…

But about four weeks later the dance pictures come back…

And OH. MY. GOOD. GRACIOUS.

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It was obviously a quick shower. Because he was still a bright pink hue. Not only that but he hadn’t gotten the mixes of chalk out from in between his eyelashes, so homeboy straight looked like was wearing liquid eyeliner. He looked like he was trying to go to the dance as the evil genie version of Jafaar.

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And with the bee outfit I picked out and the deformed shoes. Holy smokes.

The best part is that this poor girl had no idea about Festival of Colors… so I can only imagine what she thinks of the way her date showed up to this dance.

Ah. I love that story.

The Time I Explained the Facts of Life to a Grown Woman

September 20, 2018September 19, 2018 valmanwill1 Comment

Alright, so if you didn’t already know I served an LDS mission in Peru for eighteen months. That’s where this *delightful* story takes place.

This one day the girl I lived with and I started talking about our future babies… as one does when you’re single and not at all in a position to have any. We were just kind of talking about our predictions and everything and what we thought pregnancy would be like (which, oh HELLO. Writing this at 34 weeks. Pregnancy is only the craziest thing I could never imagine)

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Anyways, we were talking about all that when this girl says, “I wonder how you get pregnant”.
Yo.

Pffftlol. Whaaaaat? I was like, “Oh uh… do you really not know how people get pregnant?”
“No.”

Mind was blown out my butt. How could this grown twenty-something woman not know this? Like how could she have been so failed by the school system, her parents AND every single form of mainstream media ever?

So in my mind, I was like alright look. I obviously have no problem talking about this kind of thing. And she straight up asked me. And wouldn’t it be better for me to give her a solid educational response rather than hearing some raunchy joke and being really confused as a freaking ADULT?

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So in my crappy half Spanish… I explained the birds and the bees to her. Literally. I used “the birds” and “the bees”. Because I couldn’t really think of a better way to go about it? Like IDK folks, birds have eggs and bees pollinate, okay!

It was honestly probably a ten-minute spiel. Eight at best. And then after all that, she just gives me the blankest look and says, “No. I meant like I wonder how you time things so you get pregnant. Like how do you track when you’re ready to ovulate and everything?”

Ohhhhhhhhh kay.

I don’t know why TF she let me just teach her grown a$$ about sex for ten minutes. Like I WENT THROUGH THE ENTIRE THING. I explained it ALL. She told me that once I started she didn’t stop me because she was curious about how I was going to explain it.

Face. Palm.

Knowing her, she probably didn’t stop me because she thought it was freaking funny to watch me embarrass myself thinking I was doing some self-decided good deed.

I should’ve just said, “I’ll tell you when you’re older.”