The Time I Exposed Myself at a Water Park

July 13, 2017July 12, 2017 valmanwill3 Comments

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I’m a pretty conservative LDS girl, so when my boyfriend wanted to take me to a water park for my 20^th birthday, I spent two hours trying to find a bathing suit that I felt gave me adequate coverage. I finally settled for a tankini and a pair of swim shorts.

We went to Seven Peaks, which then was called “Raging Waters”. (Why am I old enough to have “back-in-my-day” facts?) This place had some of the most SKETCHY TRAUMATIZING NOPE LOOKIN’ DEATH SLIDES I’VE EVER SEEN. The one in question today is this one:

water slide
An engineer actually sat down and thought this up like, “You know what would be great? A roller-coaster with a double hill, but instead of safety restraints you slide face-first on a flimsy mat. Yes. I am a genius.”

So I’m obviously pretty freaked anyways standing in line for this Saw-contraption. But then I start to notice something… most of the kids DON’T MAKE IT UP THE SECOND HILL. And yes I realize they are children and yes I realize that I had just turned 20 years old. But back in the day I straight up weighed as much a child, okay. I was like a Tim Burton puppet of an actual person. Which… not anymore since having a kid and discovering that you can put coconut-flavored syrup into soda. Have you guys tried that yet!? Ohhhhh maaaaaannnn. Droooool.

What was I talking about again?

Okay so, I’m watching these kids being escorted off the middle of the slide and my fear of heights is suddenly replaced with my fear of public humiliation. No way is that going to be me! I’m not going to lose momentum and then loudly squeak as I skid back down to the bottom of the hill. Not happening!

I get to the top of the slide and look straight down into hell it goes down so far. At this point I’m thinking that I would prefer not to enjoy the stupid ride at all. But it’s one of the busiest days at the park, and I just Rip-Van-Winkle-waited in a sweltering line to get up here. Plus I can’t let my boyfriend think I’m not cool so here we go, we’re going.

I plummet down the slide like Aladdin trying to escape the cave of wonders. I start to go up onto the second hill. Good so far. And just as I’m about to crest the top I feel gravity start to tug me back down to the valley of shame. I’m like NOT TODAY SON. And I actually grab hold of both sides of the slide and physically pull myself up the last four feet.

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I make it to the top and down the rest of the way into the pool where my man was waiting for me. I am so ecstatic about this accomplishment of sliding down a slide that I jump out of the water with my hands above my head cheering as loud as possible.

That’s when I see my boyfriend’s very uncomfortable face and desperate hand gestures over his chest. I just stand there staring at him, trying to decipher what this means. He mouths, “Your suit!” … I look down to see my girls completely out. 100% out there.

Turns out pulling myself up the slide had pulled down the bra part of my tankini. Mortified, I drop down into the pool to adjust my top… even though I had already cheered and waggled around in front of at least six dozen people. I got out of the pool and we hit it out of there. I didn’t even collect any of my Mardi Gras beads, we just left.

And I’ve never gone back to that place.

Want to expose yourself in a cute controlled way? My friend Kim can hook you up through Pure Romance. They have a lot of fun things you can share with your partner. And if you’re really vanilla like me there are lotions and creams and bath things too. Spice things up or cool things down, but look it up. I’ll see you next Thursday.

https://www.pureromance.com/kimberlyhittle

Our Birth Story: Jack

July 6, 2017July 6, 2017 valmanwillLeave a comment

Warning: The details of this story may be gross to some readers… But some details are also beautiful. Either way here’s the whole darn thing.

My son is about to turn one years old and I’ve been thinking a lot about how he came into the world. This is how the day looked.

Black is my perspective, blue is my husband’s.

8 AM

I woke up to contractions. I didn’t tell my husband and he left for work. BECAUSE!!! I had been having dang fake contractions the whole entire week. Every day I THOUGHT I was going into labor and then nothing ever happened. So when Saturday rolled around. I sent my husband away and tried to go back to sleep.

Normal day. I was getting for excited Val to be induced the next night. Didn’t think she had already started!

12 PM

My mom called and asked if I wanted lunch, I replied casually with, “Sure, but I think I’m in labor.” My parents brought me lunch and we watched Fiddler on the Roof. I sent Dan a text letting him know.

My thought was, okay… she had “contractions” the other day. So I told her just to watch and wait. I just thought it was random contractions not actual labor.

About 5 PM

By the end of that long movie I was crumpled over and whimpering. I was trying really hard to make it until my husband was off of work but when I fell down to my knees and started bawling my father STRONGLY recommended I go to the hospital now. I called Dan at the pharmacy who by now had gotten a couple of texts about the progressing contractions.

Me: I’m going to the hospital. This is it.
Him: Are you sure?
Me: I’m going to reach through the phone and punch you.

I doubted it because of the nonchalant way we said goodbye that day! It seemed like any other day!

6 PM

When a woman is in labor she’s supposed to have one contraction every five minutes that lasts one minute. My contractions lasted five minutes each.
I consider myself a very passive and non-confrontational person but labor-me was a beast not to be trifled with.

Mom: Don’t forget to breath.
Me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
Mom: This is so exciting!
Me: CAN YOU NOT SOUND SO CHEERFUL!

Daniel arrived and I was glad, but in too much pain to talk or move. The nurses had mercy on me and admitted me to labor and delivery. As soon as I found out I was admitted I asked for an epidural.

So I’m rushing to get there worrying that she’s super far into labor. And when I arrived it was pretty anticlimactic, everyone was sitting there in dead silence. Val’s parents look terrified/awkward. Val was basically like I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO ANYONE EVER AGAIN.

The nurse offers to administer Fentanyl, which surprises me, because it’s the strongest possible pain medication that we carry at my retail pharmacy. I personally thought it was overkill #manspective (his hashtag not mine) The nurse gives it to her, the only difference is that it made her feel better enough to be able to scream.

8 PM

once I got the epidural everything was coming up Valerie. It was an entirely different experience. I LOVED MY MEDICATED BIRTH! LOVE LOVE LOVE! I intend to birth all my children on a paralyzing spinal tube. I felt freaking fantastic. I ate a couple of popsicles, I watched Home Alone 2, I even sent out a couple Snapchats:

‘Kay so, before my wife gets the epidural I’m thinking wow, this is terrifying. It’s just like those birth vlogs. She’s screaming and in pain and the nurses are in awe of how long her contractions are. I’m really scared for my wife. Epidural gets placed and then all the sudden Val and I are just chillin’! It’s like Val forgot she was in labor and is chit-chatting. It was like night and day.

12 AM

It was somewhere around this time that they told me I was fully dilated and ready to push. And I was like, “Wow no kidding? That just flew by.” (Loved my epidural) I had been really nervous about this part but it wasn’t bad in the least. In fact they kept asking me if I wanted a break and I was like, nah I’m cool. It took HOURS, but I was fine because I could not feel a single thing. I guess I pulled a muscle in the process and there was some bleeding thing? But I couldn’t tell at all! I was a little nauseous every time I pushed and so my nurse offered me medication for it.
Yes. Give me all the drugs.

I was ready for the pushing to start. It had been a while. It just added to the excitement which had replaced the fear once my wife was taken care of. Now I start to think about the kid.
So at one point, Val’s been pushing and the nurses are super calm. And then all the sudden a TON of blood comes out of her. At least a full pint. One nurse looks at the other and casually says, “Okay. Call the doctor.” So I’m freaking out and say out loud, “Is that normal?” I guess it was…

3 AM

Pop! Jack came out and started crying. And so did Dan and I. It was surreal and beautiful. The doctor put him on my chest and he lifted his little head up at me! I think I just kept sobbing over and over again, “My son! My son!” Which is a little melodramatic in retrospect, but I mean COME ON! This is MY baby! I successfully made, grew and exited a person with my body! Isn’t that so incredible and gross?
Super healthy kid. 7 lbs 11 ounces. 20 inches long. Didn’t even look too much like a wrinkly old man! Handsome right away. Can’t believe that was a year ago!

Baby comes out. It is literally THE craziest thing you could ever imagine as you get a first glance at this human that just a minute ago had been a bump on my wife. Val starts doing her happy cry as she sees his little body. And I am just elated to see him and hear his sweet little cry. And it’s just surreal. Absolutely surreal. None of this is sinking in. (It won’t for weeks) I was overwhelmed with happiness.

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Finally, when we left the hospital I wondered why they let us take this little person with us! Do they really think we’re that responsible?

Well I guess we did okay! Here’s to one year of his sweet presence in our home!

Are you celebrating something of your own soon? Gotta get a cake! And here is the best place to go:

https://makincakes.wixsite.com/cakes

She has the cutest lil’ cakes. Go look at the cow cake. Just LOOK AT IT!

Top 5 Best of the Worst Movies I’ve Ever Seen

June 29, 2017June 28, 2017 valmanwill7 Comments

My husband and I are fine connoisseurs of terrible movies. It’s basically our go-to date night activity. So we have seen quite a handful of UNBELIEVABLY poor-quality movies, more than enough for me to put together a “Top 5”.

I will say to those who share our hobby, most of the movies on this list are “trash classics”. So if you are looking for an undiscovered cult experience… that may have to wait for another day. However, if you are new to the ironic B-movie movement. Welcome! This is a good list for you:

5. ALL THE SHARK MOVIES…

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We have seen A LOT of campy shark movies, the most entertaining being “Sharktopus” down to the studiest “Avalanche sharks”. Not to mention: 2-Headed Shark Attack, Shark Lake, Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark, Mega Shark vs. Crocosauras, Sharknado 1 through whatever, Sandsharks and even Shark Exorcist.

Quick sum up:
Monster shark is a mindless people-eating-machine that cannot be stopped.

Sample:

For their exact same plot as the original Jaws film, I’m giving this entire genre an award for Dumbest Adapted/Stolen Screenplay.

4. The Room

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This is considered “The Citizen Kane” of bad movies, and honestly I could not agree more. It has so many big dramatic plot twists that for some reason are only mentioned once and are never talked about ever again (like the neighbor kid’s drug problem and a mom who has breast cancer). Some of the weirdest lines I’ve ever heard come from this movie, like “Leave your stupid comments in your pocket”. Also he has framed pictures of spoons all over his house…

Quick Sum Up:
Everyone loves Tommy except for his backstabbing evil fiancée Lisa. After Lisa begins to have an affair with his best friend things get VERY dramatic.

Sample:

For this movie, I’m giving Tommy Wiseau the Best Unintentionally Comedic Actor Award and Most Bat-Shiz Crazy Director Award.

3. Birdemic: Shock and Terror

birdemic

No other movie will make you say, “What was that?” like this movie will. They have several casual picnics DURING the killer bird rampage. And the “Birdemic” doesn’t even start until like 45 minutes into the movie. This one is entertaining but painful. If you chose to watch this one be prepared to see every moment of the main characters day to day routine… like gassing up their cars after work and a three minute business meeting scene of just straight up clapping.

Quick Sum Up:
Natalie and Rod are falling in love and having fun… until the town is terrorized by killer eagles that can spit acid. Apparently the birds started killing everyone due to climate change? Just give peace a chance.

Sample:

Birdemic sweeps my aCRAPemy awards with Stupidest Visual Effects, Crappiest Film Editing and Most Questionable Sound Editing. Birdemic also earns a Best Worst Original Song Award for its hit “Hanging Out With My Family” and I’m unapologetically giving the woman who played Natalie’s mom Best Actress in a Supporting Role.

2. Troll 2

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We LOVE this movie. Anytime we invite someone over to our house we force them to watch this movie. It’s truly a vision. You just have to see it to believe. And if you’re wondering whether you have to see the first Troll beforehand… don’t worry, it’s not a sequel to anything and there aren’t even “Trolls” in it.

Quick Sum Up:
Joshua and his family go on vacation to Nilbog, only to discover that it’s the Goblin capital of the world! Only Josh’s dead grandpa can help to destroy these vegetarian goblins that turn people into plants before eating them.

Sample:

Deborah Reed’s portrayal of “The Goblin Queen” earns her a Best Over-the-top Performance Award, while the film itself receives Craziest Art Direction, Most Hilarious Costume Design and Possibly a Foreign Language Film…

And the award for Overall WORST picture goes to…

1. Fateful Findings

I didn’t know it was possible to mess up every single component of a movie, but Fateful Findings enlightens me on just how bad film-making can be. I understand that a lot of movies on this list were American movies made by foreign directors and that there were some language barrier issues. But this guy… it’s like an alien director tried to make an Earth movie.

Quick sum up:
Oh man… okay.

Soooo this guy hacks into secret government files with the use of his teleportation crystal powers… I think? He goes to the hospital and falls in love with the neurosurgeon / childhood girlfriend who helps to heal him through magic crystal power… maybe? His wife becomes addicted to his painkillers while his drunk neighbor is murdered for some reason? He also has two therapists, one who’s like… a ghost? A bunch of laptops and salad falls to the ground but doesn’t stop Neil Breen from exposing the president of “The Bank”.

Sample:

Along with Worst Picture, I’m also giving this film an award for Weirdest Cinematography and Most Confusing Original Screenplay.

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