Author: valmanwill

Valerie Manwill writes coming of age novels and stories with quirky twists. She is an award-winning playwright and has a handful of stories published in varying anthologies. Other braggadocio includes being fluent in both Spanish and Golden Era Vines. Valerie melts in the Arizona sun with her two baby boys and snarky husband.

Making a Fool of Myself at Barnes and Noble

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Anyone who knows my husband and I, knows that we love to prank each other. One time, Dan put cottage cheese in my deodorant, changed my birthday and Facebook and announced that I was engaged to a mutual friend all on the SAME April Fool’s Day.

So, naturally, I am always trying to get back at him in any little way I can think of.

One time we were hanging out at Barnes and Noble, because if you didn’t know, that’s how non-nerds spend their time. OBVIOUSLY.

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I was browsing around the aisles while Dan trailed behind me. It came to me that this was a perfectly perfect time to be a really annoying wife. I could tell that he was trying to get around me, so I spread my arms out to the side and did a weird zig-zaggy walk. Basically MAXIMIZING every inch of space so that it was impossible to pass by.

I kicked my knees up with each step. Exaggerating every single movement, because I’m a comedic genius honestly. Anyways, basically, I looked like a marionette being controlled by a preschooler.

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That’s when the Barnes and Noble employee was like, “Um… Excuse me…”

Dan had stopped one aisle over. Letting me do this STUPID dancing block-aid. For like honestly a full minute.

Dummy. Even when I try to get him back he finds a way to turn the tables on me.

Things that Made Me Throw Up During the First Trimester

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Haven’t I mentioned several times how sick I was with this pregnancy? Well here’s some more of that.

First trimester was the WORST. In fact the retching got so ridiculous that I started keeping a list of why in my phone. (You’re welcome. I know you wanted this.) If you don’t believe that nausea is a problem for a pregnant woman, give this a read. It will give you an idea of how hard it is to live daily life without puking during that 1st trimester.

Trigger warning… if you’re pregnant probably.

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REASONS FOR THROWING UP

My son gagged on a mouthful of chicken nuggets
Saw a picture of a sweaty boxing champion and imagined how they smelled
Scrolled too fast on my phone
Touched wet Rice Krispy cereal
Ate too much
Ate too little
Tried to do the dishes
Remembered what bacon soda tasted like
Watched a review for Hungry Man Enchiladas. (That was a mistake)
When Zoe on Sesame Street said her sandwiches would taste like bologna and socks
Had to cough when I woke up, puked instead
Arie breaking up with Becca for another woman and then following her around the tiny apartment for like AN HOUR
Husband made a ratchet poop joke
Smelled my toddler’s poop
Watching Rhett and Link eat anything
Tried to put on a pair of jeans
Oven was too hot
Had to bounce to get snow off my shoes
Thought about food
In the music video 6 Underground where he drips worms out of a can. Barf
Sat up too fast

 

 

Thankfully, I’m over the worst of it. But even reading over this list… I just… it kind of… makes me… excuse me…

 

Trying to Recreate the Parent Trap IRL

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So, here’s a thing that happened.

It was 1998. A beautiful time of matching windbreakers over mom jeans and boy bands with frosted tips. 5th grade teacher, Mrs. Boyce had just blown everyone away in the school talent show by singing “My Heart Will Go On”. And while all the adults were laughing at There’s Something About Mary, the kids were all about Lindsay Lohan in the remake of Disney’s The Parent Trap.

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If you’ve never seen it, first off – shame on you because it’s a real treasure. Secondly, the idea is that two twins separated as babies by a divorce meet at a summer camp. After camp, they pretend to be each other in an effort to rekindle their parent’s love. To this day, my sister Natalie and I are still huge fans of both the old movie and the new movie. In fact, when it first came out we were so enchanted by it that we decided, Hey, let’s switch places…

Here’s the problem. Um… we look nothing like each other. I was a super blondie and Nat had really dark hair. We didn’t even really look like sisters, let alone twins. Also, we were three years apart. My sister was in the fifth grade and I was in second grade…

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Nevertheless, we were sure that this was a good plan.

We planned it out for weeks. We each had a notebook with tons of important tips jotted in them, where my desk was in the room, where I kept my markers, nick names I called my best friends so they would be none-the-wiser.

The day came and we went right to each others classrooms. Natalie went to second grade and I went to fifth. My sister, haha, recognized RIGHT AWAY that it wasn’t going to work. She stepped into class and the teacher was all like, “Can I help you?”. She just kinda shuffled back out the door, “Uh, no. I’m good.”

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I, on the other hand, was still so sure about this. The teacher had kind of the same reaction.

Teacher: Do you need something?

Me: Nope. I’m Natalie.

Teacher: …. wut?

Me: I’m Natalie.

All the other kids started laughing so hard! And they were big kids. And it was scary. So I started to cry. My sister’s teacher had to walk me back to my second grade classroom. Ah, man.

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Anyways, coincidentally! Utah Children’s Theatre in Salt Lake is putting on The Parent Trap. How fabulous is that? Doesn’t that sound like the most fun ever? Come and see it! Tickets and showtimes can be found at uctheatre.org I can’t even tell you how excited I am to check it out! I’m definitely bringing Natalie with me.

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