Author: valmanwill

Valerie Manwill writes coming of age novels and stories with quirky twists. She is an award-winning playwright and has a handful of stories published in varying anthologies. Other braggadocio includes being fluent in both Spanish and Golden Era Vines. Valerie melts in the Arizona sun with her two baby boys and snarky husband.

Things About America that is Weird (to me: An American)

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This isn’t political or anything. Just a short list of things that I think are really weird about my own country.

#1 How come Americans are afraid of bidets?

When are we getting on the clean-butt train? Because I’m sick of this haha. I genuinely don’t understand why a pandemic hits and we’re freaking out at the idea of not having toilet paper when actual countries around the world have a bum cleaning spigot already installed on their toilet. We could, actually, in fact, have something way more hygienic than wiping our own poo poo with a dry piece of paper. And (TMI maybe, but oh well, we’re already here) as a woman I know at least once a month I would extra appreciate having a little toilet rinse. Just the fact that we’re so against bidets baffles my mind.

#2 The sheer amount of American flags everywhere

Like it’s kind of cute. It’s a cute little quirk. But once you notice it, you can’t stop noticing it. My husband and I play this game when we’re driving around. One of us will suddenly shout, “Oh no! Help! What country are we in?” And then immediately be like “Oh, thank goodness that car dealership has six flags up, cuz I really wasn’t sure where I was.” I mean, I don’t know about the patriotism in other countries regarding their flags but here they make every school child pledge to it each morning. Americans just really love their flag, I don’t know.

3 Unpopular Opinion: But I don’t get lawns

The obsession with lawns is so weird. It doesn’t make any sense. Why we would need a patch of manicured grass out front? Like I get the idea of decorating your house, but you have to use so much water resource to grow a plant that’s not even going to sustain you. Like there’s no possible benefit other than… it looks nice? … in our American opinion. It’s actually really weird! Think about trying to explain the concept of lawns to an alien. They would be like, “Oh. Why do you do that?” And we’d be like, “We just want to show everyone where our property line is I guess. We use it to decorate.” And then the aliens would be like “Why are you using so much of your resources for that? Does it provide resources in return?” And we’d have to be all sheepish about it like, “Well, no. But it means a lot to me. I spend every Saturday trimming it and I yell at the neighborhood kids when they step on it.” So anyway. Controversial, but whatever.

4 The gap in the bathroom stalls

Back to bathrooms though. How come America can put an actual human being on the moon and develop a rocket that can catch its own boosters, but yet we still have giant cracks in our bathroom stalls? Okay, I apologize, this will be my only time I’m going to mention something politically controversial. But someone was arguing with me about trans friendly bathrooms one time and they were like, “What if a pervert comes in and peeks on you through the crack?” And I was like “How about this then, Janice. How about we fix the peekaboos in the stalls? Because that’s been a problem for forever and I don’t ever see that getting addressed.” I would very much prefer it if nobody could see me through the cracks. Whether that be a pervert or an accidental pervert that locks eye contact with me while I’m trying to do my business as quickly as possible in the Kohl’s bathroom.

5 Everything is silly massive

Everything is so huge here and not just our soda cups and citizens lol. Like the way we use space in America is actually really bizarre. Even like within a building there will just be empty spaces all around not being used for anything. This might be more of a West US thing but you absolutely have to have a car and drive if you live in America because everything is so spread out. When I came back from living in Peru that was the first thing I noticed; just how much big, empty space there actually is here. It’s like there are all these areas that we’re not even using, we’re just filling it in with lawn (lol). I’m not saying that this is necessarily a bad thing. I’m just saying this is a weird thing. I too enjoy my big sprawling American space. But if you really think about it… having a walk in closet that’s essentially the size of a small room… you know? I don’t want to have to explain walk in closets to an alien either haha.

Utah Vs. Arizona

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Seven years ago when my husband and I were preparing to move to Arizona, we were looking everywhere for information on what it would be like compared to where we already lived: Utah. At one point we clicked on a YouTube video that was titled “The differences of Arizona and Utah” and it ended up LITERALLY being a thirty second video of a guy saying, “They’re about the same”. Lol

Well, now that I’ve had a decent handful of years in both states, I decided that I’m going to be that blog post that I was searching for in the spring of 2018. So I know this is a super niche post, but yeah it is what it is.

SO HERE ARE THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN UTAH AND ARIZONA

(also no real organization. Just writing whatever comes to mind)

Whenever I visit Utah and relatives ask me about Arizona, they only want to talk to me about the heat haha. And I guess that’s everyone’s first consideration about Arizona is how hot living in the middle of a cactus forest is.

So yeah, it’s hot. And summertime is bunkering down into survival mode honestly. I’ve said this before (which is also a good post about AZ) but the heat is very similar to when you have to bend down and pull cookies out of the oven. But it’s only when you go outside. The weird part that I never really hear people other than Arizonans talk about, is that during the summer here in the valley EVERYWHERE (stores / vendors / businesses) is completely REFRIGERATED inside. It’s really bizarre. Because it’s 120 degrees outside, but the AC is pumped SO HARD inside Texas Roadhouse that you’re shivering lol. I’ve literally seen people walk into the grocery store in the dead of Arizona summer and bring their jackets with them.
It’s sort of weird though, okay. Because during the summer you’re in the constant extreme temperature changes and it’s bursts of refreshing feels. Like, I don’t know how else to explain this? You’ll walk from your car into the doctor’s office sweating like crazy and then as soon as you get into the building you’re like “Ahhhhh that feels amazing.” And then by the time you get out into the heat from the serious AC you’re like, “Ahhhh that feels amazing.” Hahaha!

As far as compared to Utah. It’s the same as the winter, just opposite timing. In the wintertime you stay indoors. And here in the summer you stay indoors. That’s pretty much it. Utah winters, it’s a pain in the ass to scrape your car, shovel your driveway and navigate I-15 in the snow. And Arizona summers, it’s a pain to touch your steering wheel when you get into your sunny car. Literally a pain. But other than the super sweaty car seat, I don’t think the maintenance of the heat is quite as bad as the maintenance of the snow. That’s my opinion of living here. Like, yeah you might have to turn on your AC and cool your car down. But it’s not like you have to turn your car on to warm it up and also physically dig it out of the ice to get to work. I don’t know. So in my personal opinion, I think the Arizona summers aren’t quite as challenging as Utah winters. As far as maintenance or commuting. Like if you WANT to take family pictures you really could year round. Whereas in Utah it’s a little more challenging to do that around the weather.

If you are familiar with Utah and their cities and you’re wondering which area of Arizona you want to move to (at least in the Phoenix / East Valley), I can tell you what compares. I would say Mesa is comparable to West Valley or Layton. And Gilbert is just Provo basically. Like I’ve seen more BYU bumper stickers in Gilbert than in Provo itself, if that gives you some idea. Scottsdale is like Park City, it’s beautiful and got cool things to see but unless you’re a professional baseball player I don’t see how you could afford to live there. Phoenix equals Salt Lake. That one’s easy. Apache Junction is like Vernal if it got overrun by a fentynal zombie apocalypse.

Okay, so if you’re on the fence about moving to Arizona from Utah. I’ve created a little quiz to help you decide:

QUESTION ONE: Can you eat a plate of fries without fry sauce? if the answer is no, stay in Utah.

QUESTION TWO: How many golf courses do you need within a 2 mi radius? Because if the answer is more than three, you want to be in Arizona.

QUESTION THREE: Do you like the color beige? If the answer is no, stay in Utah.

QUESTION FOUR: Do you need trees to breathe or can you get oxygen from turf?

QUESTION FIVE: Would you rather maintain a pool or shovel the driveway?

QUESTION SIX: Would you rather scrape ice off of your windshield with a credit card or have a pair of oven mitts in your car just in case you need to drive somewhere in the summer?

QUESTION SEVEN: Would you rather have an incredible 4th of July at a park with soft grass you can actually sit on? Or have a magical Halloween day where you don’t need a jacket over your costume and everyone’s outside on their driveway actually participating in trick or treating?

QUESTION EIGHT: Would you rather experience a full four (winter, spring, summer and fall) season? Or just a two (“Arrakis Hell” and “Snowbird”) season?

QUESTION NINE: Scorpions or Black Widows? It doesn’t matter, Arizona has both.

QUESTION TEN: Do you have a hobby of skiing or snowboarding? If yes, that’s fine we have Flagstaff.

QUESTION ELEVEN: Do you generally go 40 miles over the speed limit in any condition or street? If the answer is yes, welcome to Arizona.

21 Days “Around the World”

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First and foremost, this is REAL Americanized okay. I tried my best!

I did a little activity with my family in January that I thought I would share! I called it “21 Days Around the World”. Each night we “travelled” to a new place somewhere in the world, had a dinner inspired by that location and then watched a Disney movie or show that takes place there. That’s it. It was simple, but really fun! My oldest is very interested in Geography so it was great to involve his interest and involve the whole family.

If you’re interested in doing something similar or just curious where we “travelled to”. Here are the pages from the little flipbook I made for the “journey”: