Tag: writer

Kids Say the Darndest (November 2021)

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Casey had his annual check up and right when he got his flu shot he said:
CASEY: I got hurted today!
And then later in the car he was quiet for a long time and finally said all offended:
CASEY: They shot me!

JACK: Baby shark doesn’t have arms. He just has triangles
DAN: … fins?

DAN: Who’s your favorite brother?
JACK: Casey
CASEY: Google
JACK: (offended) That’s just nothing!
CASEY Oh, okay, how about Jack.

JACK: *talking to his toy pancake* Hey Food, you want to come to my room with me? *puts his ear on top of the toy pancake* … the food says yes.

JACK: Do you wanna play a challenge game with me?
CASEY: No, I’m busy. *starts playing with a toy car* Beep beep beep

*Puts his hand on my head and then takes it off quickly*
CASEY: It was on your head.
ME: What was it?? A bug?
CASEY: No, a hand.

UNCLE JEREMY: I’m the boss!
CASEY: I’m the bus.
UNCLE JEREMY: No, I’m the boss.
CASEY: Yeah, we’re both buses.

*A legit actual conversation that happened in the minivan*

JACK: What day of the week is it?
ME: Thursday.
CASEY: No, it’s “Fives-day”
JACK: No, it’s not “Fives-day”! If it were “Fives-day” it would be the weekend! Like “Saturn-day”.
ME: … *trying not to laugh*
JACK: Mom, can we go to Saturn? I’ve never been to Saturn before.
ME: Oh, me neither.
JACK: We can go and it will have rings… (quietly) And Uncle Ryan will be there.
ME: What? *not able to hold back my laugh* Uncle Ryan lives in Utah.
JACK: …
ME: …
JACK: Can we go to Utah?
ME: Yeah, hopefully sometime soon.
JACK: (to himself) And I can wear my purple pants. Because I’ve never worn my purple pants in Utah before.

Detective Big Nose – PART ONE

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1997/1998 I was seven years old and BIG on mysteries. I was completely hooked on Scooby-Doo. I checked out a lot of Hardy Boys from the library. It was totally my jam. So I created my OWN Sherlock-Holmes-type detective called Detective Big Nose and wrote a series. I hope you enjoy.

“Try to catch the thief to put in jail. Clues down: Follow the foot prints. The Bear, Episode One”
“Hi Randy.” (I just thought I was SO funny to reveal the villain right off the bat.)
“Ha! The Bank! Let’s go inside.” “Look at other pages”
“Bear.” “Maddison fainted because of the bear.” “Sarah.”
“Where’s Randy?” said Big Nose. “And Maddison?” Sarah added. “Look! Maddison and a bear,” Sarah added again. “That’s NO bear,” he said coming near it. “That’s Randy!” He took off the mask. For all time they thought Randy was the thief.

Join me next month for another installment of Detective Big Nose.

The Card Shuffle

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I had a really weird experience the other day and decided to write about it. It might seem small or dumb, but bear with me here!

I was playing Uno with my kids, which requires a healthy amount of card shuffling between each game. … Now, I’ve never been able to shuffle. Since I was a kid, I would just kind of mix up the cards. Spread ‘em around on the ground. Or just give them to someone else! But something weird happened in my brain when I was playing with my kids. I thought

I’m going to try to shuffle these cards.

And I did it perfectly without hesitation. Shhhhhhffffft. I could even do the bridge. Fwwffffftttt.

That blew my mind. Because here I was, a woman on the cusp of thirty-one years old. And all my life I had been actively TELLING MYSELF that I did not know how to shuffle cards. I had NEVER TRIED TO SHUFFLE A DECK OF CARDS. I was just telling myself not to do it and that I didn’t know how. But I never once split a deck and actually tried to do it.

I cannot tell you how freaky this experience was for me. It was like The Truman Show. My whole reality is in question now. What else have I been telling myself I can’t do??? What else have I been telling myself I don’t enjoy? What else have I been telling myself “that’s bad”.

So that’s it. Deconstruct your Truman Show set! You can do whatever you want! You can like whatever you want! You can be you! That is all! I love you