Tag: story

The Time I Blew My Crush Away… With Snot

valmanwillLeave a comment

bubbleblower

Once upon a time I liked this guy. And really the core reason for the infatuation was that he was just so GOSH DARN FUNNY. He wasn’t even attractive necessarily, but he was to me! Every time I was with him I just basked in the audience of our own private comedy club. I mean he had my heart from the first time he got me cackling like a witch.

So I was NOT about to miss an opportunity to see him. Even if I had the most horrendous death-bed virus. I popped Dayquil like a meth addict because NOTHING WILL KEEP ME FROM THIS MAN’S JOKES.

sickface
“What? No! I hardly even feel sick. I look fine. Let’s go!”

I meet up with him. Doing everything in my will power to keep from serenading him with “Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel”. And you know what? It was a great time! Everything went off as smooth as could be…

And then we said goodbye.

Uhhhhh… Why do I even tell you these horribly awkward things?

We say goodbye and he drops the granddaddy of all jokes. It’s like every punchline had led up to THIS punchline. It caught me completely off guard and I didn’t even have time to attempt a pretty giggle (which I never ever do anyways). I snort. I forget to open my mouth and the laugh comes OUT MY NOSE. And that’s not the only thing that came out my nose.

wigfreakout.png

I don’t know how you can tell certain shapes by feel only… but I could tell that I had actually just formed a bubble of snot. It didn’t even pop right away. It was brought to life right there on my nostril and was just going to kick it for a while. And I have a big nose, so you know it was not the average snot bubble.

HORRIFIED I pinch it off with my fingers. He sort of reared back in confusion and then kept on talking. I’m like… Did he even see that? Maybe he didn’t even see that… How could he not have seen it? It was right in front of his face!

But here’s the new predicament: I now have a handful of green snot that I had just collected off my face. Okay, I’m not about to wipe it anywhere. That would confirm what he may or may not have seen. So I stick my wet hand into the pocket of my jacket on the sly. I’m figuring I can get to a bathroom just as soon as this guy leaves.

I cleared my throat a couple of times just so he KNEW I was sick and that I don’t produce a Nickelodeon amount of snot every single time.

snotme

My answer came as to whether or not he had seen it, when he EXTENDED HIS HAND TO SHAKE MINE GOODBYE.

Things didn’t work out with that guy.

 

 

If that wasn’t embarrassing enough for you, you can watch me retch on camera trying to eat baby food! My best friend has a YouTube channel and I often guest star. If you like a lot of my mommy posts and baby stuff, then you will love this channel because she has tons of pregnancy and mom vlogs. You should check it out!

 

The Time I Exposed Myself at a Water Park

valmanwill3 Comments

awkopt1

I’m a pretty conservative LDS girl, so when my boyfriend wanted to take me to a water park for my 20th birthday, I spent two hours trying to find a bathing suit that I felt gave me adequate coverage. I finally settled for a tankini and a pair of swim shorts.

We went to Seven Peaks, which then was called “Raging Waters”. (Why am I old enough to have “back-in-my-day” facts?) This place had some of the most SKETCHY TRAUMATIZING NOPE LOOKIN’ DEATH SLIDES I’VE EVER SEEN. The one in question today is this one:

water slide
An engineer actually sat down and thought this up like, “You know what would be great? A roller-coaster with a double hill, but instead of safety restraints you slide face-first on a flimsy mat. Yes. I am a genius.”

So I’m obviously pretty freaked anyways standing in line for this Saw-contraption. But then I start to notice something… most of the kids DON’T MAKE IT UP THE SECOND HILL. And yes I realize they are children and yes I realize that I had just turned 20 years old. But back in the day I straight up weighed as much a child, okay. I was like a Tim Burton puppet of an actual person. Which… not anymore since having a kid and discovering that you can put coconut-flavored syrup into soda. Have you guys tried that yet!? Ohhhhh maaaaaannnn. Droooool.

What was I talking about again?

Okay so, I’m watching these kids being escorted off the middle of the slide and my fear of heights is suddenly replaced with my fear of public humiliation. No way is that going to be me! I’m not going to lose momentum and then loudly squeak as I skid back down to the bottom of the hill. Not happening!

I get to the top of the slide and look straight down into hell it goes down so far. At this point I’m thinking that I would prefer not to enjoy the stupid ride at all. But it’s one of the busiest days at the park, and I just Rip-Van-Winkle-waited in a sweltering line to get up here. Plus I can’t let my boyfriend think I’m not cool so here we go, we’re going.

I plummet down the slide like Aladdin trying to escape the cave of wonders. I start to go up onto the second hill. Good so far. And just as I’m about to crest the top I feel gravity start to tug me back down to the valley of shame. I’m like NOT TODAY SON. And I actually grab hold of both sides of the slide and physically pull myself up the last four feet.

lion king mufasa asked for scars help

I make it to the top and down the rest of the way into the pool where my man was waiting for me. I am so ecstatic about this accomplishment of sliding down a slide that I jump out of the water with my hands above my head cheering as loud as possible.

That’s when I see my boyfriend’s very uncomfortable face and desperate hand gestures over his chest. I just stand there staring at him, trying to decipher what this means. He mouths, “Your suit!” … I look down to see my girls completely out. 100% out there.

Turns out pulling myself up the slide had pulled down the bra part of my tankini. Mortified, I drop down into the pool to adjust my top… even though I had already cheered and waggled around in front of at least six dozen people. I got out of the pool and we hit it out of there. I didn’t even collect any of my Mardi Gras beads, we just left.

And I’ve never gone back to that place.

 

Want to expose yourself in a cute controlled way? My friend Kim can hook you up through Pure Romance. They have a lot of fun things you can share with your partner. And if you’re really vanilla like me there are lotions and creams and bath things too. Spice things up or cool things down, but look it up. I’ll see you next Thursday.

https://www.pureromance.com/kimberlyhittle