Okay, so I don’t know if this happens to anyone else, but sometimes when I dream it’s not about myself… That is to say, that sometimes I dream in a “movie format” with it’s own characters and plot twists and everything. This especially happens when I’m sick. And if I’m sick and pregnant, the story-dreams are even crazier.
So I started writing them down as if I were pitching them to agents as book ideas. Here they are for your enjoyment! (Forgive the conspiracy thrillers. It’s been a rough first trimester.)
Retelling of Jack and the Beanstalk, but the giant is made out of pulled taffy.
A family of four tries to escape a mall as an active shooter works his way towards them.
A cheerleader is forced to spend time with some of the grossest and geekiest outcasts of the school (stylized as a 1980s John Hughes comedy).
A down-on-his-luck father is hired to work for the United States’ most extensive underground mob.
Four amateur and bumbling criminals decide to rob a bank accidentally at the same time as four violent and capable criminals.
A woman takes down a group of terrorists on a cruise ship by using an animal-shapeshifting superpower.
Queen Elizabeth is let in on a secret plan to assassinate one of her own government officials right before her daughter announces that she’s fallen in love with him.
A group of young boys find themselves trapped in a house with strange and mysterious properties, competing for the only exit.
A lonely high school kid is granted the ability to become invisible for a day. He uses his new skill to learn that his fellow students have their own demons.
A high school girl begins to accurately dream the future the day before her premonitions become true. At first it’s all fun and games, until her dream predicts that she will somehow become hopelessly lost in the dark woods.
“Morty’s Fun House of Outrageous Revoked Licences: The Strangest Reasons People Have Had Their Driver’s Licenses Taken Away” (I flipped through this book in a dream haha)
A doctor is hired by a corrupt pharma company to pretend that he has a specific degenerate disease in order to falsify research.
BONUS: I dreamt that my husband and I were contestants on The Bachelor/Bachelorette but living in the same house. We made a vow to give up our roses for each other
Which one would you read as a book or go see as a movie? Do any of you creative people have out of control dreams like this?
Hey, so it’s been a million years. Did you miss me? I basically ended up scrapping March, because my morning sickness was soooo harsh that I couldn’t even look at a non blue-light computer screen for more than 45 minutes without puking. I went from the best productivity of my entire writing life to the lyrics of “Lump” real quick.
Oh yeah, but did you catch that? I’M PREGNANT Y’ALL! BABY NUMBER TWO IS DUE IN OCTOBER!
That’s only the first announcement.
I knew 2018 would be crazy. I sensed its scent like a lion crouching in the savannah grass. I just didn’t know it would be this crazy.
Don’t get me wrong, the baby was in no way an accident, but it still was a surprise. I had been having some health issues with my ovaries and infertility runs in my family. In fact, I was scheduled to check my egg supply and some other things when bam! Turns out I’m more than fine.
I can’t think of a clever transition into the next big piece of news, so I’ll just blurt it out instead. WE’RE MOVING TO ARIZONA Y’ALL!
Dan is graduating pharmacy school in May aaaaaaand he got offered a residency position at a Banner hospital in Mesa.
I thought that I would be really scared to move far away, but it turns out that I’m actually really excited. And I can tell that I’m really excited because I do what I always do whenever I have a new adventure, or a book project, or a crush or something… which is bite my lip on baited breath waiting for someone to bring up “the thing”.
Plus not to mention the awesome job opportunities that will be available to my post-resident-doctor-husband.
YAAAAAAS
Things are good. And exciting. And also terrifying… but like a rollercoaster terrifying where you still want to ride it. I don’t know, it’s great! But it will be even better when I’m not a lump sitting alone in a boggy marsh. Now excuse me while I go toss up my lunch. 😷
PS Check out this weird Easter Egg from the photo I used for our Christmas cards…
Warning: The details of this story may be gross to some readers… But some details are also beautiful. Either way here’s the whole darn thing.
My son is about to turn one years old and I’ve been thinking a lot about how he came into the world. This is how the day looked.
Black is my perspective, blue is my husband’s.
8 AM
I woke up to contractions. I didn’t tell my husband and he left for work. BECAUSE!!! I had been having dang fake contractions the whole entire week. Every day I THOUGHT I was going into labor and then nothing ever happened. So when Saturday rolled around. I sent my husband away and tried to go back to sleep.
Normal day. I was getting for excited Val to be induced the next night. Didn’t think she had already started!
12 PM
My mom called and asked if I wanted lunch, I replied casually with, “Sure, but I think I’m in labor.” My parents brought me lunch and we watched Fiddler on the Roof. I sent Dan a text letting him know.
My thought was, okay… she had “contractions” the other day. So I told her just to watch and wait. I just thought it was random contractions not actual labor.
Last year’s 4th of July
About 5 PM
By the end of that long movie I was crumpled over and whimpering. I was trying really hard to make it until my husband was off of work but when I fell down to my knees and started bawling my father STRONGLY recommended I go to the hospital now. I called Dan at the pharmacy who by now had gotten a couple of texts about the progressing contractions.
Me: I’m going to the hospital. This is it.
Him: Are you sure?
Me: I’m going to reach through the phone and punch you.
I doubted it because of the nonchalant way we said goodbye that day! It seemed like any other day!
6 PM
When a woman is in labor she’s supposed to have one contraction every five minutes that lasts one minute. My contractions lasted five minutes each.
I consider myself a very passive and non-confrontational person but labor-me was a beast not to be trifled with.
Mom: Don’t forget to breath.
Me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
Mom: This is so exciting!
Me: CAN YOU NOT SOUND SO CHEERFUL!
Daniel arrived and I was glad, but in too much pain to talk or move. The nurses had mercy on me and admitted me to labor and delivery. As soon as I found out I was admitted I asked for an epidural.
So I’m rushing to get there worrying that she’s super far into labor. And when I arrived it was pretty anticlimactic, everyone was sitting there in dead silence. Val’s parents look terrified/awkward. Val was basically like I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO ANYONE EVER AGAIN.
The nurse offers to administer Fentanyl, which surprises me, because it’s the strongest possible pain medication that we carry at my retail pharmacy. I personally thought it was overkill #manspective (his hashtag not mine) The nurse gives it to her, the only difference is that it made her feel better enough to be able to scream.
8 PM
once I got the epidural everything was coming up Valerie. It was an entirely different experience. I LOVED MY MEDICATED BIRTH! LOVE LOVE LOVE! I intend to birth all my children on a paralyzing spinal tube. I felt freaking fantastic. I ate a couple of popsicles, I watched Home Alone 2, I even sent out a couple Snapchats:
‘Kay so, before my wife gets the epidural I’m thinking wow, this is terrifying. It’s just like those birth vlogs. She’s screaming and in pain and the nurses are in awe of how long her contractions are. I’m really scared for my wife. Epidural gets placed and then all the sudden Val and I are just chillin’! It’s like Val forgot she was in labor and is chit-chatting. It was like night and day.
12 AM
It was somewhere around this time that they told me I was fully dilated and ready to push. And I was like, “Wow no kidding? That just flew by.” (Loved my epidural) I had been really nervous about this part but it wasn’t bad in the least. In fact they kept asking me if I wanted a break and I was like, nah I’m cool. It took HOURS, but I was fine because I could not feel a single thing. I guess I pulled a muscle in the process and there was some bleeding thing? But I couldn’t tell at all! I was a little nauseous every time I pushed and so my nurse offered me medication for it.
Yes. Give me all the drugs.
I was ready for the pushing to start. It had been a while. It just added to the excitement which had replaced the fear once my wife was taken care of. Now I start to think about the kid. So at one point, Val’s been pushing and the nurses are super calm. And then all the sudden a TON of blood comes out of her. At least a full pint. One nurse looks at the other and casually says, “Okay. Call the doctor.” So I’m freaking out and say out loud, “Is that normal?” I guess it was…
3 AM
Pop! Jack came out and started crying. And so did Dan and I. It was surreal and beautiful. The doctor put him on my chest and he lifted his little head up at me! I think I just kept sobbing over and over again, “My son! My son!” Which is a little melodramatic in retrospect, but I mean COME ON! This is MY baby! I successfully made, grew and exited a person with my body! Isn’t that so incredible and gross?
Super healthy kid. 7 lbs 11 ounces. 20 inches long. Didn’t even look too much like a wrinkly old man! Handsome right away. Can’t believe that was a year ago!
Baby comes out. It is literally THE craziest thing you could ever imagine as you get a first glance at this human that just a minute ago had been a bump on my wife. Val starts doing her happy cry as she sees his little body. And I am just elated to see him and hear his sweet little cry. And it’s just surreal. Absolutely surreal. None of this is sinking in. (It won’t for weeks) I was overwhelmed with happiness.
Finally, when we left the hospital I wondered why they let us take this little person with us! Do they really think we’re that responsible?
Well I guess we did okay! Here’s to one year of his sweet presence in our home!
Are you celebrating something of your own soon? Gotta get a cake! And here is the best place to go:
valmanwill.com 