Tag: list

Things About America that is Weird (to me: An American)

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This isn’t political or anything. Just a short list of things that I think are really weird about my own country.

#1 How come Americans are afraid of bidets?

When are we getting on the clean-butt train? Because I’m sick of this haha. I genuinely don’t understand why a pandemic hits and we’re freaking out at the idea of not having toilet paper when actual countries around the world have a bum cleaning spigot already installed on their toilet. We could, actually, in fact, have something way more hygienic than wiping our own poo poo with a dry piece of paper. And (TMI maybe, but oh well, we’re already here) as a woman I know at least once a month I would extra appreciate having a little toilet rinse. Just the fact that we’re so against bidets baffles my mind.

#2 The sheer amount of American flags everywhere

Like it’s kind of cute. It’s a cute little quirk. But once you notice it, you can’t stop noticing it. My husband and I play this game when we’re driving around. One of us will suddenly shout, “Oh no! Help! What country are we in?” And then immediately be like “Oh, thank goodness that car dealership has six flags up, cuz I really wasn’t sure where I was.” I mean, I don’t know about the patriotism in other countries regarding their flags but here they make every school child pledge to it each morning. Americans just really love their flag, I don’t know.

3 Unpopular Opinion: But I don’t get lawns

The obsession with lawns is so weird. It doesn’t make any sense. Why we would need a patch of manicured grass out front? Like I get the idea of decorating your house, but you have to use so much water resource to grow a plant that’s not even going to sustain you. Like there’s no possible benefit other than… it looks nice? … in our American opinion. It’s actually really weird! Think about trying to explain the concept of lawns to an alien. They would be like, “Oh. Why do you do that?” And we’d be like, “We just want to show everyone where our property line is I guess. We use it to decorate.” And then the aliens would be like “Why are you using so much of your resources for that? Does it provide resources in return?” And we’d have to be all sheepish about it like, “Well, no. But it means a lot to me. I spend every Saturday trimming it and I yell at the neighborhood kids when they step on it.” So anyway. Controversial, but whatever.

4 The gap in the bathroom stalls

Back to bathrooms though. How come America can put an actual human being on the moon and develop a rocket that can catch its own boosters, but yet we still have giant cracks in our bathroom stalls? Okay, I apologize, this will be my only time I’m going to mention something politically controversial. But someone was arguing with me about trans friendly bathrooms one time and they were like, “What if a pervert comes in and peeks on you through the crack?” And I was like “How about this then, Janice. How about we fix the peekaboos in the stalls? Because that’s been a problem for forever and I don’t ever see that getting addressed.” I would very much prefer it if nobody could see me through the cracks. Whether that be a pervert or an accidental pervert that locks eye contact with me while I’m trying to do my business as quickly as possible in the Kohl’s bathroom.

5 Everything is silly massive

Everything is so huge here and not just our soda cups and citizens lol. Like the way we use space in America is actually really bizarre. Even like within a building there will just be empty spaces all around not being used for anything. This might be more of a West US thing but you absolutely have to have a car and drive if you live in America because everything is so spread out. When I came back from living in Peru that was the first thing I noticed; just how much big, empty space there actually is here. It’s like there are all these areas that we’re not even using, we’re just filling it in with lawn (lol). I’m not saying that this is necessarily a bad thing. I’m just saying this is a weird thing. I too enjoy my big sprawling American space. But if you really think about it… having a walk in closet that’s essentially the size of a small room… you know? I don’t want to have to explain walk in closets to an alien either haha.

34 Random Facts About Myself

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Hello. I turned 34 last week. My age feels both accurate and inaccurate. Like I don’t feel 34 while sitting on my office chair with my feet tucked under my butt. But I guess I do feel 34 when I drive my minivan to pick up my kids from school. The heartburn and the back pain screams 34 haha.

Anyways, to celebrate my age I wrote 34 random facts about myself, one for each year I’ve been alive. You’re welcome.

  1. I was born in the same exact hospital that I birthed my first child in.
  2. Dinosaurs have been a special interest of mine ever since I was two.
  3. One of my earliest memories is giving myself the chicken pox. I was jealous that my mom counted all of my sister’s chicken pox and so I snuck into her room when she was asleep and tried to “breathe in her germs” hahaha! Unfortunately, it worked and I got WAY sicker than she had been.
  4. I wrote my first story at three or four. I drew it as a four panel picture on a Mac “Kids Pic” program. And it was about the chicken pox I gave myself lol. (“I got chicken pox”, “Then Mom gave me a bath”, “Then I felt better”, “The End”)
  5. I’m the middle child in my family. I have a sister three years older than me and a brother five years younger than me.
  6. I’ve always held my pencil “weird”. Resting on my middle finger instead of pinching it or whatever. My first grade teacher tried and tried to correct it but I still hold my pencil that way as an adult.
  7. When I was in second grade I was obsessed with Santa’s reindeer. I wrote them each individual letters instead of Santa that year.
  8. In third grade I purposely sat in the back of the class so I could write stories in my blue denim notebook all day instead of pay attention to the teacher. I filled that notebook and I still have it.
  9. At 9, I briefly took acting classes but I couldn’t sing worth a dime so I never got cast in any significant roles
  10. I started directing my own plays and performed them for all the other 5th grade classes. (This was the skit I had my friends do haha: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfLdFZ4my9g )
  11. The only time I got a ticket or a pink slip in school was when I snuck under the fence to play in the creek next to our elementary school. My mom wasn’t even mad about it. She was more mad about the girl who tattled on me.
  12. In Jr. High, I had a red guinea pig named Joe.
  13. At thirteen, I wrote, directed and starred in a play I put on for my local church. It was a comedy called, “The Foot.”
  14. I was obsessed with the original Twilight Zone. I even threw a Twilight Zone party for my friends. That TV show would become a massive influence on my writing.
  15. Took 4 years of French in secondary school because I liked this guy in my class. Can’t remember a single word and speak fluent Spanish now lol.
  16. In high school, I wrote a full-length feature film with my friends. A low-budget student slasher. (What else?) It wasn’t very good or anything lol but it ended up being a creative catalyst for a lot of the kids who worked on that project, including me.
  17. I got shingles my senior year. How does that even happen? Haha. The haunts of giving myself the chicken pox
  18. One year I repeatedly got cast as a monkey in a few different plays. Type casting I guess.
  19. I studied Classical Acting at Southern Utah University until I ran out of money and had to move back home.
  20. One of my favorite hobbies when I was 20 was exploring abandoned buildings. One time the cops came and my friends and I hid ourselves inside an abandoned school. (oops)
  21. I lived in various areas of Peru for a year and a half. Lima, Trujillo, Salaverry, and Neuvo Chimbote.
  22. Twenty-two was one of the worst years of my whole life. Like the entire year. Birthday to birthday. Just horrific. I couldn’t think of a single good fact I wanted to say about this year. So I guess that’s my fact. Unlike the popular song at the time, I was not feeling 22 lol.
  23. Coincidentally, twenty-three was one of the absolute best years of my life. Even at the time I called it “The Golden Year”. I ended up meeting my soul mate when I was 23.
  24. I used to work in Accounts Receivable at a printer company and got in trouble for writing during work (Heh heh heh. It wasn’t funny to me at the time, but now it is.)
  25. I left my job at the printer company and went back to school. In my Intro to Educational Psychology class, the professor said that “the things we chose to do in our free time as children reflects as close to our true selves as possible.” That’s the moment I realized how much story-telling has been a passion throughout my life.
  26. When I was twenty-six, I began writing regularly and have not looked back since!
  27. The first time I had ever set foot in the Phoenix area, was when I stepped off the plane to live here.
  28. I found out my first story was going to be professionally published while I was in active labor with my second child.
  29. At twenty-nine I had this life-changing Beatlemania phase that… never went away lol.
  30. We moved into our first house the exact weekend that everything shut down for the pandemic.
  31. I have three spectacular kids and I’m not just saying that. I really love each of those three people so dang much.
  32. I published my first book on Amazon at thirty-two.
  33. I got my first screen-writing credit at thirty-three.
  34. At thirty-four, I still sit on my office chair with my feet tucked under my butt haha

Literally Just a List of Things I Want to Remember About My Children

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So Jack turned three yesterday.

 

They grow up so fast. Literally nothing else they can do fast. Putting on shoes. Picking out what they want for lunch. You know, walking. But growing up… I swear sometimes I look over at them and feel like they look more grown-up than they looked AN HOUR AGO.

So anyway, in honor of my mommy nostalgia I decided to make a list of cute things that I don’t want to forget about how they were at this stage of life.

 

#1 Jack refuses to call hearts by their real name, he insists they are “farts”

#2 Casey’s favorite song is “Skidamarink”. No matter how hard he is crying, he will immediately stop if you start singing that song.

#3 Jack calls grandma and grandpa “grampens”

#4 Every time we go out everyone comments on how happy Casey is

#5 Jack has a major obsession with hats

#6 Casey loves to put toys in his mouth and turn them into actual whistles

#7 Jack has to point out every single cactus he sees… and we live in Arizona

#8 Casey eats his entire weight in blueberries… every day… like at what point does he turn into Violet Beauregard?

#9 When Casey crawls around on the floor, Jack joins in because he thinks they’re “playing doggies”.

#10 Sometimes it’s overwhelming. Sometimes it’s beautiful. Sometimes it’s just going through the motions and you don’t catch these little moments. But it’s always big love and big rewards.

 

HAPPY LIFE LIVING GUYS