Detective Big Nose – PART ONE

1997/1998 I was seven years old and BIG on mysteries. I was completely hooked on Scooby-Doo. I checked out a lot of Hardy Boys from the library. It was totally my jam. So I created my OWN Sherlock-Holmes-type detective called Detective Big Nose and wrote a series. I hope you enjoy.

“Try to catch the thief to put in jail. Clues down: Follow the foot prints. The Bear, Episode One”
“Hi Randy.” (I just thought I was SO funny to reveal the villain right off the bat.)
“Ha! The Bank! Let’s go inside.” “Look at other pages”
“Bear.” “Maddison fainted because of the bear.” “Sarah.”
“Where’s Randy?” said Big Nose. “And Maddison?” Sarah added. “Look! Maddison and a bear,” Sarah added again. “That’s NO bear,” he said coming near it. “That’s Randy!” He took off the mask. For all time they thought Randy was the thief.

Join me next month for another installment of Detective Big Nose.

Kids Say the Darndest Things (Aug 2021)

JACK: Your butt is big, Mom.

ME: Okay, thanks.

JACK: I mean, it’s super DUPER big.

ME: Okay! I got it!


CASEY: (spinning) I’m dizzy!

ME: (making a dumb Dad Joke) What do you want to do, Dizzy?

CASEY: I want to go to Dizzy-land!


Lately Casey has been calling Jack, “my Jack”. Like, “Where is my Jack?” “There’s my Jack! My Jack is back!” He also has been insisting that they wear the same color of shirt everyday. So today, when he saw Jack was wearing a red shirt, he demanded to be changed out of his blue shirt.

CASEY: I don’t match my Jack! No, I need to match my Jack!


A wasp landed on Jack Heroically, Dan swatted it away.

JACK: No I wanted him! He liked me!


We went on a hike and my two-year-old starting singing aloud every single thing that was happening.

CASEY: (cheerful singing) There’s lots of sand. And lots of mud. I’m farting. I farted and mommy laughed.


The boys caught a cold.

ME: (checking in) How are you feeling?

JACK: I feel better.

CASEY: I feel cough.


On the same note. Casey’s cough worsened, which always aggravates his sensitive gag reflex. After the grossest sounding cough turned hacking gag/possible slight puke, he turns to me and very calmly and politely says

CASEY: I have a little cough.


ME: Coconuts.

JACK: Cock and nuts?

ME: That’s definitely not how you pronounce it…


A while ago, I wrote about Jack mispronouncing the word “freckle”. The other day, Dan and I learned that Casey calls it “a peckle”. And this is my official petition to change the word freckle to peckle.

Writing Before I Could Write

It’s that time of the month again, where we dive into my childhood and drag back a piece of writing as early as it can be.

At estimated five-years-old I clearly remember making this story. I was sitting in church and I painstakingly drew each page with the exact words in mind. Then hired my mom as scribe and put my “first ever book” together!

“Too Many Friends”
“I have nice friends.”
“But, I have too many friends.”
“We do handrails.”
“We go on hills.”
(read right to left) “But… I have too many friends!”
The End (lol)

There you go. I hope you enjoyed my Kindergarten humblebrag from back in the day. Haha!

Seeing My Own Face as a Witch Mask on Sexy Beasts

I don’t remember being on this show??!!!

Y’all seen this new Netflix train wreck?

The whole tag line of the show is “Can you love someone based on PERSONALITY ALONE?” I literally can’t make it through hearing that tag line without laughing. I cackled as I wrote it just now. Cackled like the witch I apparently am.

Yeah, so, the premise is that these good looking people go on dates with each other under the guise of some weird goofy SFX makeup. And see if they can actually connect without knowing the other person is an aesthetically pleasing human… (even though they definitely know the other person is hot because this is Netflix and casting don’t play.)

I mean look at this. This is a beaver. (Which I think is the best worst episode by the way)

And this… dolphin.

Why the blow hole? Whyyyyy would they do this???

So I’m sitting there having a good time and a good laugh, when suddenly I’m watching the finale…

AND MY OWN DANG FACE SHOWS UP AS ONE OF THE MASKS

WTF

How? Why? How? How does this happen, Netflix? Netflix, where you at? How did you let this happen? Why?

I mean nothing’s more of a self esteem crusher than that. A reality television show that is LITERALLY about people wearing HIDEOUS MASKS to conceal their real beauty. And the HIDEOUS MASK looks exactly like your own damn face.
I really don’t know what the thought process was here. In the board meeting the producers were like… “Okay, episode ten… Rooster. Praying Mantis. Fawn. And 30 year old mom of two in speckled green.”

There were so many ways the make up artist could have taken this. And no. NO. A make up artist literally went Hmmm… this is exactly what an ugly witch would look like.

And BTW, way to out me as a witch, Netflix. I was keeping my dark sorcery under wraps but OKAY. NOW EVERYONE KNOWS.

I just came here to have a good time. I came here to watch some shallow people pretend to have a love connection. I didn’t come here to be insulted and BULLIED like this!

I mean is this just my insecure a$$ or is this UNCANNY WTF. Should I sue????

So I tried to calm down and I was like alright, well maybe the makeup artist didn’t do that great of a job hiding what she looks like in real life and when they reveal her she’ll look like my better looking twin…

NOPE MY FEELINGS ARE HURT

You know what would have been better? If they did the whole big reveal AND IT WAS LITERALLY JUST ME. The guy would be like oh… so… wait, that was actually you’re face? Because I thought…

I’m going back into my lair now. But now that my identity has been revealed, potions and curses available for sale. Special on all eye of newt related products. Contact me if you too are interested in becoming an UGLY WICKED BOSS BABE. Work your own hours. Build your own client base. Unlock spells and abilities as you level up in the coven.

Kids Say the Darndest Things (July 2021)

CASEY: (yelling) Tickle me! Tickle me!

ME: Shhh!

CASEY: (whispers) Tickle me. Tickle me.


ME: Hold on, I gotta get dressed before we go swimming.

JACK: It’s not called a dress It’s called a swimming suit

Meanwhile Casey is over here calling his a “swim soup”


Every time Casey finishes a book he enthusiastically calls out “AMEN!” instead of “The End”.


So my husband passionately hates Sour Cream and Cheddar chips. (I know what’s up with that??) One day he was trying to indoctrinate my child away from liking those chips by referring to them as “stinky fart chips”. Not only does Jack still like those chips, but now he permanently calls them “fart chips”.

JACK: Can I have fart chips with my sandwich?


CASEY: (every time he’s about to go down the slide) Here come me!


Jack insisted on wearing his underwear backwards. When my husband asked why he said

JACK: Because I don’t like the pocket in the front.


CASEY: (rolling on the couch) I’m a wiggly, wiggly worm!!


One night Jack called out to in terror. Dan rushed in and asked what was wrong.

JACK: (crying) I can’t count to zero!
DAN: … No one can count to zero. Go back to sleep.


ME: Hey. I love you.
CASEY: Oh, I glad.

Reading the Diary I Had at 3 Years Old

So I found this:

It’s a journal that was given to me in May 1994 (says my mother’s handwriting on the inside of the cover). I was three years old and already loved to write. The first story I remember “writing” (drawing) was about getting the chicken pox, which Mom says happened the same year I got the journal. So, I knew I had been writing and story telling since then, but finding this thing was an absolute GEM.

It turns out I had kept it through the nineties and completely FILLED it full of my own original stories. So many in fact, that I decided to start a new blog series where I share a story I wrote in this book as a child.

Let’s start with 1994. Three years old. (For personal reference, my youngest is two and my oldest has just turned five, so… pretty little!)

The first thing I did was open to a fresh page and draw a “boney-bones” (a skeleton). Very on brand for me.

A ghost that’s labeled “Boob” hahahaha

Then I redrew the ghost and labelled it “Book”

A little character I drew in November 1994 (so, now I’m technically 4)

I figured out how to draw a tape dispenser. I have a vivid memory of being really excited about this haha

This one I don’t remember but my mom’s caption says it’s a story about a father and a son.

Tune in next month for some serious kindergartener author action hahaha.

Kids Say the Darndest Things (June 2021)

JACK: (flexing) I’m so strong, look at my elbows! 


In the bath.

CASEY: (points to the body wash) Okay. I’m ready for the slime!


JACK: Mom, ask me if whales are nice.

ME: Are Whales nice?

JACK: Yeah.

*No follow up context*



CASEY: Look Mommy I’m on the table. (starts dancing)

ME: What are you doing up there?

CASEY: Just bein’ myself.


Jack was taking very slow and loud breaths.

JACK: (whispers to himself) I’m doing such a good job breathing.



At my friend’s house, Casey asked for a slice of cheese. He was so insistent on it that my friend caved and let him have one. Then we watched as he put the slice of cheese on a scooter and gave it a ride around the apartment. He never ate it.


Jack kept asking me to wipe his butt for him. I explained to him that once he turned five, he would go to Kindergarten and he would have to wipe his butt all by himself. The next day, we heard him yell this from the bathroom.

JACK: Can someone wipe my bum!? I’m still four! I’m not five yet!


I was outside when a breeze sounded off some wind chimes nearby.

CASEY: (excited) Mommy, do you hear that magic?


JACK: I had a dream I was at a party and there was a fire! I turned into a fire truck and put out the fire!

ME: That’s great, buddy! Good job!

JACK: …

ME: …

JACK: I wet the bed.

My Kids Say the Darndest Things (May 2021)

Hi everyone! Quick apology, May turned out to be a crazy busy month for me. But I know how much some of you like these posts and I didn’t want to disappoint. Here are some of the cutest things my kids have said in the month of May.


I opened a package of raw ground beef and Jack asked

JACK: Are we having brains for dinner?


CASEY: (excitedly pointing to a ladder) Look!! The letter ‘H’!


Jack has been regularly playing Plants and Zombies. On the roof level, there’s a giant zombie that attacks by throwing a smaller zombie riding on his back. My husband said that when Jack first saw it, he said:

JACK: Look, he throwed his sweetie.


Casey consistently says “laugh” instead of “lap”

CASEY: I wanna sit in Mommy’s laugh.


We went to a small amusement park that had a merry-go-round (one of Jack’s favorite things) with a rainbow colored top. When he saw it, he excitedly announced:

JACK: No way! It’s a rainbow-go-round!!


Both of my kids have started calling fish-sticks “fish-dogs” and I’m not correcting them.


JACK: What’s this spot on your arm?

ME: A freckle.

JACK: A f**kle?

ME: NO! A frrrreckle

JACK: … A f**kle?


Casey and Jack got into a fight and in all sincerity my two-year-old yelled at his brother:

CASEY: You naughty bird!


JACK: Can I get a birthday cake at the store so I can turn five and go to kindergarten?

ME: … it’s not like the Sims.

My Kids Say the Darndest Things (April 2021)

JACK: (stretches his shirt out for Dan to see) What does this shirt say?

DAN: (reading) “My brother is awesome”

JACK: (skeptical face) … Is this Casey’s shirt?


Casey puts on daddy’s shoes.

CASEY: Byeeeee! See you tomorrow!

Shuffles to the door.

CASEY: (quietly to himself) I’m a grown up.

CASEY: (holding a bell pepper) It’s an apple!

JACK: No, it’s a pepper-mint!


CASEY: (points to my gross mom bun on my head) I like your ice cream, Mommy.


CASEY: I can’t reach the sun! I want to grab the sun! *grunting and stretching* It’s too tall in the sky!


JACK: (lovingly brushes my hair off my forehead) You’re hair is slipping on your brain a lil bit.

CASEY: (stops and sniffs a flower) Mmm! So smelly!


JACK: (looking into my eyes) Wow, your eyes are so green. They’re like circle flowers in there. They’re so cool

My Kids Say the Darndest Things (March 2021)

Casey had a fever. So I brought down our no-touch thermometer (best pandemic purchase ever). The only set back is the kids loooooove to play with it, so as soon as Casey saw it he demanded he take his own temperature. I let him hold onto it and went off to get the Tylenol. When I returned I heard him talking to the thermometer in his hands, “Hello, temperature. Do you want to play?” And then he replied to himself in a high pitched voice, “Yes.”

We bought a Roomba. (Second best pandemic purchase ever) At first, Casey told me he was “scared the robot”, but he warmed up quickly. Now he follows it around and makes kissy sounds and telling it to “come”. “Come, robot.” Then he announces to me that the robot is named George and George is his friend.

I told Jack to blow a feather off my finger and make a wish. He squeezed his eyes shut and whispered to himself, “I wish for a pink unicorn.”

One night it was really windy and Dan had left the window open in his office the slightest crack. Every time the wind blew through the window it would howl loudly. Well, I didn’t explain to the boys what the sound was… so they decided on their own that it was because there was “an owl” in the house. They were both ABSOLUTELY convinced that there was an owl inside hooting loudly and walked around trying to find it.

*Jack’s stomach gurgles loudly*

ME: Oh, are you digesting?

JACK: I not ‘gestin. I’m Jack!


Casey biting into an uncooked macaroni: “Ooh, this is a yucky rainbow.”

JACK: Moooooooom, get me some juice.

ME: Nuh-uh, mister. You need to use the magic word.

JACK: (in all sincerity) … “chicken”?

ME: “Please”.

JACK: Ohhhhhhhhh.

ME: *after cleaning the kitchen* Wow. Okay. That was a lot of hard work!

JACK: Yeah, it was! You do a lot of hard work, Mom. Good job for doing that hard work!

ME: *trying not to cry*