Andie’s Birth Story

Today my daughter is nine months old and has been officially “out as long as she’s been in”. So I thought it would be really fun to recount her birth story. Idk why, but I’m always fascinated to hear about everyone’s birth stories. I think it’s morbid curiosity. Like road kill. I just wanna look real quick. “How bad was it for you? Ooh really and then what went wrong?” If you’re not into that, I get it. And if you are, I get it!

So my labor and delivery story with Andie Jean is WEIRD. I was so smarmy going into it, thinking this is my third rodeo and that I would know exactly what to expect. NOPE.

The contractions started on a Monday and these were no Braxton Hicks tickles, this was the real deal. At least that’s what I thought. They would come on and become very painful and regular. 5 minutes apart, lasting a minute each. But then they would go away? Honestly, I had never heard of preterm labor like this until I had it myself.

After the first 24 hours of these contractions that go nowhere I called my doctor’s office. “Hi. I think I’m in labor?” So they told me to come in and get checked. My doctor said I was at a three. Which kinda seemed like I was in labor, but also maybe not? She stripped my membranes and I just went home and hoped for the best.

I labored all night and into the next day. Going from okay this is seriously it get the hospital bags to wait never mind they went away. I had NEVER had a labor this confusing. With my boys it was totally straight forward. Pains. Hospital. Push. But this girl couldn’t make up her mind!

Our babysitter came over Tuesday night just in case and Daniel and I walked aimlessly around the neighborhood until eleven or twelve at night. Finally I just got sick of it and told everyone to go to bed.

I had that weirdo start and stop labor all night and into the next day. Finally Wednesday evening I decided just to go into the hospital. By all accounts they were hospital worthy labor pains. Five minutes apart, lasting a minute for a full hour. And sometimes so painful I couldn’t talk or breathe during.

Dan and I got to the hospital at around four or so. We left the suitcase in our car because the labor had stopped again and I was pretty sure they were going to send me home. But when the nurses checked me, I was at a five. They didn’t know what to do either. They said they didn’t dare send me home if I was already at a five with my third child but my contractions mysteriously stopped. (Which I was embarrassed about, but like why though? Haha idk. It’s not like I could control them)

They told me to walk around the hospital a bit. Which didn’t surprise me, because that’s what happened with Casey. Except with Casey the labor progressed instantly when I walked around. This time it started, stopped and then hurt but “not in a productive way” is how I phrased it to Dan.

They checked me again and I was at a six. Which sorta weirded me out because that should be pretty active labor but I had no contractions and I felt pretty “normal”. Because I was so far along they told me that “I could stay and have my baby”.

I got checked in and moved into a birthing sweet at around 7 or so. Since they were starting me on Pitocin I asked if I could have an epidural at the same time. (The prospect of never feeling active labor was pretty encouraging). The epidural went okay. Not perfect like with Jack, but not horrific like with Casey. Just a lot of pressure pain and patience as they tried to get it in right. They did confirm that my spine was crooked like the other anesthesiologist said. But they said it was because the baby was pushing on it from the inside! Mothers are TOUGH dude.

So I laid in bed with an epidural and Pitocin, the nurse said, “Just go to bed and then wake up and have a baby.”
So I slept a little. But that baby was not coming.
8pm. 9pm. 10pm. 11pm. Midnight.
Slowest progression ever.
1am. 2am. 3am. 4am.
I went from a 6 to an 8 on like 10 hours of Pitocin. The nurses called the doctor in the middle of the night like “What do you want us to do here?” I was wondering if it would end up in a C section. But the doctor told them to stop Pitocin for half an hour and then try again.

At 5am I was exhausted and in tears. I was DONE. I had been laboring for 60+ hours and I just felt like I couldn’t handle anymore. I was in sweats, clutching the sides of the bed, cursing and saying I couldn’t do it anymore. It was that moment I told Dan my deepest fear… “What if I resented this child because of the difficult pregnancy and labor I had been through?”

Dan was a great partner, listening to my concerns and validating all my feelings. But right as I was having a melt down I suddenly felt a pain. An intense contraction. As if I had no epidural at all. I started bawling harder. Another contraction worse than the last one. I hit the nurse’s call like a giant NOPE button. I was not about to feel labor right at the worst of it.

They gave me a shot of fentanyl and some kind of adrenaline booster. And that gave me the strength to keep going. Some of the pain I figured out (and this is super weird) was that the contractions were crushing the baby into my ribcage. And I’m not saying this to be dramatic but I legitimately felt that my ribs were going to crack. Like the pain and pressure against my ribs was so bad I felt it through the epidural and the fentanyl.

The biggest problem was that my water wouldn’t break. It was in the middle of the night and no doctor would come in and break my water and the nurses couldn’t do it either. My labor nurse kept saying, “If your water would break that baby would come right out.” BUT IT NEVER FREAKING BROKE!

I waited in agony and then finally right at 7 am my doctor walked in to break it. I think I started crying at the sight of her. She broke my water and then announced she was going to see some other patients in recovery. But as soon as she left I had an ENORMOUS amount of pressure. She basically walked out just to walk right back in and deliver my baby.

I think I only pushed maybe five or six times. I had to stop pushing half way through because she had the chord wrapped around her neck. Not sure whether I should mention this or not, but as she was coming out and starting to crown she actually was moving her head around! All the nurses and everyone in the delivery room was like WOOOOOOAAAAAH LOOK AT THAT as they’re staring at me wide-legged. So that was… a life experience I guess.

Another big set of pushes and bloop there she was. They set her on my chest and I swear from the moment I looked at her face I knew I would not resent this child like I had worried. I felt her spirit. What she was like and who she was. I had an instant bond with my little girl. My Andie Jean. And I was so happy. The months I had agonized through to bring her here were worth it for that moment.

So I really wouldn’t trade anything, since I love the person that came from it so much.

PS I will also add that even though I had a crazy long labor, I recovered insanely quickly. I was up walking around not too long after and had minimal postpartum problems. Crazy how bodies work especially with birth.

A Blog Post Literally Complaining About My Fridge

When we bought our house almost three years ago, the fridge “did not convey”. It was the first time my husband and I got to pick out our own appliance, so I put a ton of research into the thing! There were certain features that I was super picky about. It had to be black to match both the existing appliances and my emo heart. I also specifically did not want a water dispenser on the outside because I thought my little toddlers would turn it into a shower. We spent a lot of time browsing until we found the right one. Black, no water dispenser, and the double doors we’ve always dreamt of. There was also this special feature of an alarm that would go off if the door was accidentally left open. Very kid friendly I thought.

Well… yeah.

Don’t get me wrong this is a super nice fridge, it’s just…

First world problems but it doesn’t fill up the space like I thought it would. Which is my fault for not measuring correctly / being cheap and choosing a smaller fridge. I thought it would look okay but as soon as they put it in I was like … ew. The gap was so wide that I tried to utilize it by storing my brooms there but that just looked worse honestly. Plus whenever my kids played around the fridge a broom would slip out from the crack and smack them on the heads like a ghost from an old timey cartoon.

Okay and speaking of ghosts. I guess I should have taken it seriously when more than one review mentioned the “scary sounds” coming from the fridge. Because now every time someone comes over they think the thing is haunted. “Sorry, I know that sounds like the windy whisper of Hannibal Lector eating Fava beans, but it’s actually just my fridge.” One review said he kept getting “scared sh*tless” by the noise of the fridge… but only in the middle of the night. I remember laughing and thinking that guy was dramatic but he was UNDERSELLING IT. This fridge will randomly drop a pound of ice at three in the morning and it sounds like a burglar smashing his way through the wall like the Kool-aid Man.

Oh my gosh that ice tray too. It will fill it all the way up to the top and the freezer is so fricking small that when I try to shut the drawer over the box of Uncrustables, several ice cubes will just shoot out and roll all over the floor.

Also I swear the ice smells like wet dog sometimes? I’ve never heard Daniel complain about this. So maybe I have a brain injury I don’t remember about.

That door alarm that I thought was such a useful feature HAHAHAHAHA. Now it’s just a stressful race to put your groceries away in under ten minutes or get screamed at.

That’s not even all the sounds we have problems with. The waterline in the back is like a freaking wrecking ball or something. When you fill up your kids little plastic cup with water it’s like KaCHOONK KaCHOONK every single time you press the button. And my wimpy little finger can’t hold the dang thing down so it’s KaCHOONKING the entire time which drives my husband nuts. I have a standard size Hydroflask and it takes two entire minutes for it to dribble and kaCHOONK full.

I thought that water dispenser inside the fridge was SUCH a selling point with little kids. But what I forgot is that kids are not toddlers forever. And at some point they’re going to start filling up their own water glasses. But when they’re too small to reach it they will actually climb INSIDE your fridge and stand on the ledge to fill their cup. Then when it takes them too long, that FREAKING DOOR ALARM GOES OFF. And your child is traumatized and crying for you to rescue them from inside the refrigerator.

TLDR Pros: keeps food from rotting, can hold 2 gallons of milk if you push the shelf in. Cons: whispers like the souls of the damned, throws ice at you, sounds a fire alarm when you’re trying to put away your cream cheese, freezes your child to their pull-ups as they kaCHOONK water.

18 Thoughts I Had While Watching Bridgerton

Well I finally sat down and watched all of Bridgerton. The postpartum hormones always dictate that I must binge a period romance, so I knew this show would hit just right.

1. Important things first: Simon’s butt looks totally fake. Who has a butt like that?? Like two perfect cocoa bowling balls side by side.

2. I like how the bun on Lady Danbury’s head keeps drooping to the side because honestly girl, same.

3 Pretty cool to see minorities in roles that I otherwise wouldn’t see them perform.

4 Why the f does Daphne look like an exact replica of the Wendy Darling cartoon?

5 This is a hecka spicy show. This is two chili symbols on a Thai menu spicy.

6 Wow Simon’s sperm donor of a father is the human equivalent of rat poison.

7. Wait, wait, wait you can have sex on a ladder!?!? Is that possible?

8. Oh, the staircase now? These people have a step fetish.

9 I told Dan that for some reason the swelling orchestral pop covers during the sex scenes made me blush/cringe more. He asked me if I’d rather have 70s porno music and like … maybe??? Idk why it’s so embarrassing to me

10 It’s season two and where is Simon? Simon is just gone now. This major character is a passing commentary now.

11. Why don’t I remember season two as well as season one? All I remember is that Edwina didn’t deserve any of this.

12 Kate has insanely beautiful cheekbones. Is there a better way to say this? Bone structure? “Girl. Nice skull. Good job growing that.”

13. This gazebo has seen more action than I have all summer.

14 Look I’ll say it, Colin Bridgerton is the most na├»ve dude. Unpopular opinion, but maybe Penn is too good for him after all. She’s definitely too smart for him anyway.

15 Maybe this is me projecting my own neurodivergence, but at first I really disliked Eustace… Wait wtf that’s not her name. That’s the old man from Courage the Cowardly Dog. Eunice? … Eloise!!! WOW. ok. Anyways at first I found her character irritating but after finishing the series I decided that actually no, she is the best one. She is the best Bridgerton. Next season can be her season and all the subsequent seasons like I don’t really care.

16 PS after Googling Eloise’s name I found out Julie Andrews does the voice-over for Lady Whistledown wtf. How did I not piece that together myself???

17 Why do I have such a weakness for men with trauma-induced quirks? THAT STUTTER. THAT FEAR OF BEES.

18 Welp. I finished that in two days… When does season three come out?