Tag: funny

Dressing Up As My Brother to Take Pictures With My SIL Because He Won’t.

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It’s a good day to make fun of my brother.

So my brother, he takes the most unbelievably blue-ribbon-first-prize pictures of my sister-in-law (which I’m sure isn’t too hard because she’s just gorgeous anyways) See below a breathtaking photo my brother took of his wife:

But the funny part is that my brother will not get in a single picture with my sister-in-law.

One day, she was over at my house visiting without him (I think he had to work or something) and she told me of this particular conundrum; that she has such a hard time getting him to pose for pictures… so I came up with this very devious idea… I was like, hey, I look enough like him. Why don’t I just post for some pictures for her so that she can have pictures of them together? HAHAHA

So here below is my transformation and our photo shoot. Also note that the entire time we were laughing so hard taking these pictures. We were dying, it was great.

For quick reference here is a picture of my *actual* brother:

And this is me hahaha

Trying to get that “I don’t want to take pictures right now” face just right.

But also had to give her some cute ones.

Fake a road trip real quick

Getting that man stance perfected.

Have a big bowl of cereal so it’s more believable.

Sister-in-law’s if you really want to step up your game… just a suggestion

We Have the Actual Worst Luck on Family Vacations

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I just want to have a nice family trip with my kids, is that so much to ask?

Y’all ever seen The Truman Show? The movie about a man who unknowingly grows up on a giant TV set and the only way they keep him from leaving the set is to stage all these preposterous disasters. Am I… Truman? Because for some reason the simulation is programmed to throw me the craziest vacation outcome every time. And I’m not talking about ‘Oh, we forgot to pack our toothbrushes. Whomp, whomp.’ I’m talking about like disgusting and horrifying health code violation stuff.

Traveling is already difficult with three teeny humans. Even though my kids are generally chill travel buddies, there is still a lot to consider when taking a vacation as a young family. So Daniel and I decided to try lowkey family trips now and save up for epic family vacations when they’re older. *Mommy needs a new pair of Disney cruises* But even with trying to do the most simple things the simulation was like NO! YOU CANNOT LEAVE THE MOVIE SET. GO BACK TO HOME SQUARE. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS. DO NOT ATTEMPT ANY OTHER FAMILY FUN TIMES.

My oldest wanted to go camping, okay? So we came up with what we thought was a genius idea. We were like ‘Hey, what if we Airbnb’d a cabin a couple of hours North out of lava valley. And just pitched a tent in the backyard? That way we’ll have plumbing and a nice place for the baby to sleep. And when the boys inevitably get too scared to sleep in the tent, they can come inside and sleep on the beds.’ Brilliant. We choose a super cute cabin, reserve it for a couple of nights. Pick some activities to do nearby. And drive all the way up there.

NOTE. We did not have cell phone service as we drove through the woods to the cabin. An important detail that will bite us in the a$$ later.

We get to this cabin. Everything is so majestic and exciting. There was a literal family of elk walking through the yard. We input the code and step inside…

You ever smell a smell so weird it’s stuck in your memory forever? Well, there are three bad smells that are permanently stuck in my nose like that. 1. When I lived in Peru and the sewage pipe exploded underneath the street. 2. When I was first married, and I cooked a weird ground sausage recipe. And 3. The absolute sour onion trash smell of that little cabin.

It was so gross. And not only that, but there was bedding and pillows lying in a bundle on the floor. It was like… they hadn’t cleaned anything at all. So I called the Airbnb people to complain. COMPLETELY OUT OF MY MOUSEY NONCONFRONTATIONAL NORM. (I guess that’s what a weird smell will do to you). And just as I was explaining about the pillows on the floor the lady cut me off and was like-

“YOU’RE INSIDE? Get the hell out of there right now!”

Can you imagine anything worse coming from your Airbnb host? Then she was like:

“No one called you!?!”

“Well, we didn’t have service for the last couple of hours.”

“The cabin is full of bed bugs! We found them when we were trying to clean it for you guys.”

So yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep. We desperately tried to find another place to stay but everything was booked. Like it was a Podunk town in the middle of the woods. It had like one other hotel or something. And besides we were just icked out from the whole thing. Like we had been all over the infested cabin for like 20 minutes so we just drove the two hours home and tossed our clothes into the washer and had a family scrub down.

And anyway, you think that’s bad? That’s not even the half of our vacation stories.

You ever ignore LITERAL red flags before? Because I did! In my pretty weak defense, I have lived in land locked states my entire life. I’ve only been to the actual beach a handful of times ever. So yeah, okay, I SAW the red flag, up on the rocks or whatever. But I didn’t know that had anything to do with the beach / ocean. I kind of thought it meant don’t climb on these rocks or something.

We went to San Diego. I had never been before and it’s only a five hour drive from us. I have always, always wanted to visit Hotel del Coronado. It’s where my favorite author based his time travel novel, it’s where one of my favorite films were made and it’s also deliciously haunted (I think it inspired a short story or two from Stephen King). Just a very me destination.

We decided we weren’t going to stay at the hotel, we were just going to walk through what we could and then play at the beach there. (Because we’re saving up for Perfect Day at CoCoCay, alright? No judgies.) Now, I would just like to say that we’re not entirely stupid. Or at least we’re not alone in stupidity. Because there were SEVERAL other families on this beach okay. Like enough that it looked like a totally normal beach experience. Other than a red flag up on the rocks and a tiny non conspicuous sign wayyyy up at the hotel that we wouldn’t even see until later that evening, there was no reason for us to think anything was wrong.

Um, so we played at that beach for actual hours. Like, crawling around in the water and digging in the wet sand and everything.

And then FINALLY a lifeguard came by on a megaphone to say, “Hey, just a reminder, this part of the beach is closed today, due to a sewage contamination issue. So you probably don’t want to be in the water over here.”

We had been in there for hours. HOURS. No one said sh*t. As in, no one told us about the sh*t. Why didn’t they say anything?? Did they honestly think that we knew and just didn’t care? That we were cool letting our babies crawl through poop sludge all day? Like obviously several families were just as clueless as us. Del! Rope that poopoo area off! Megaphone that message more than once a day!

So there we go again. Stripping our swimsuits off into trash bags and having ANOTHER family scrub down.

Anyway. That’s it. That’s my oopsie poop-sea story.

Comment below your worst family vacation story. Genuinely curious if it’s possible to get any worse than bed bugs and sewage contamination haha.

The Time I was Stung by the Most Venomous Scorpion in North America

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And no, I’m not talking about the Scorpio who broke my heart in the 10th grade, but yeah, that freaking stung too, thanks.

The Arizona Bark Scorpion. Well, well, well… if it isn’t the little Satan bug itself.

First off, I have a really lovely house. I generally enjoy living in the sweltering desert of the East Valley. But what I don’t enjoy is being POISONED by arachnids in the comfort of my own home.

Our house was built on top of an old orange grove, which sure, it’s nice having a fruit tree in my back yard. But that also came with a neighborhood infestation of scorpions. And like, you can spray your yard all you want but those suckers crawl up the cinder-block walls. And if you have a neighbor behind you that cannot even be bothered to pick up his dog’s poop for months on end, you can rest assured that a handful of scorpions will find their way onto your property at night.

But no big deal, we bought a black light and we do a nightly patrol. And it’s been all cool, man.

And this one RANDOM afternoon.

My oldest had just got home from school and we were in the basement watching TV when suddenly my poor, worse-luck four-year-old SCREAMS and grabs his toe. So, as the kind-hearted and understanding mother that I am, I’m thinking, ‘Kid stubbed his toe and he’s being way over-dramatic about it’.

I try to assess the situation and calm him down. And right as I kneel down to get a better look at his foot. I feel this sharp prick on the side of my inner leg, just above my knee. So, I jolted away and looked at the carpet, legitimately thinking that I had just knelt on a pin. And then I saw that sucker… and when I tell you… the absolute GOOSEBUMPS that you get when you watch a spider scurrying away is NOTHING compared to the sight of a freaking Arizona Bark Scorpion slithering itself underneath your couch.

My scream was blood curdling. I yelled some curse words in front of the kids. I stood in the middle of the room on one leg, saying, “What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?”

“Call Dad!” my oldest yelled.

Dad! Right! An adult! An actual adult, not a pretend adult like I am. I called Daniel to report that half his family had just been stung by a venomous creature which was still alive and inside the actual house. I’m sure he loved getting that phone call lol.

Well, he didn’t know what to do either. WE’RE NOT FROM HERE, OKAY! WE DIDN’T GROW UP BLACK LIGHT HUNTING AMONGST THE CACTI! WE WERE NOT PREPARED FOR THIS EVENT! He told me to take our son to Urgent Care. And I agreed because children under six are more at risk for scorpion sting complications. SO AT LEAST WE KNEW THAT.

FUN FACT / PSA: If you or your loved one are stung by an Arizona Bark Scorpion, you can just call poison control. You do not have to spend hundreds of dollars suffering at an urgent care clinic. A tip that we did NOT get until we were already inside the patient room with the doctor. (Gee, thanks a lot)

FUN FACT / PSA: Probably don’t drive if a scorpion has just stung you on your leg. Because the venom will spread and spasm your muscles. And it will hurt like a b*tch. And you’ll be punching your steering wheel and crying the entire drive because you didn’t know life could be like this.

Yeah, I don’t know why but by the time we got to the clinic my four-year-old? Totally fine. Like nothing happened. Like as if he wasn’t just injected with a neurotoxin. (Thus the magic of children anytime you take them to a doctor’s appointment of any kind.) I, on the other hand, am trying to fill out patient paperwork while doing the freaking stanky leg at the check-in counter.

Daniel met us at the urgent care so that we could both get the news that no one was dying, it just sucked was all. But we still had a major problem. I SAW THAT YUCKY BUG CRAWL UNDER THE COUCH. THAT THING WAS STILL INSIDE OUR HOME.

Rather than listing our house for sell immediately, Daniel suggested we wait for nightfall and then find it via blacklight. So, we went out to eat at Red Robin lmao. That was both a genius and stupid decision, because after sitting for two hours the venom actually pooled behind my knee so walking to the van after dinner was like walking with an icy-hot bear trap clamped around my leg. But hay, this girl got her bottomless steak fries so, like, was it really that bad of a day though? #notasponsor

It was dark when we got home, so Dan was able to find it with the black light and kill it. On the floor of our basement. Why? How did it get there? I would also like to point out that this isn’t even the first time in my life I’ve been stung like this. When I was nine, I knelt down to color a picture and a WASP stung me on the knee. INSIDE on the CARPET. Buddies, WTF are you guys doing there? I refuse to kneel down now. I’m just going to squat every time.

I will say though, I am actually thankful that I knelt on it, because otherwise I wouldn’t have known it was in the house or why my kid was crying. The clout is also sorta cool, not gonna lie. Saw the Arizona Bark Scorpion episode of the Kings of Pain and laughed so hard thinking of how calm my preschooler was compared to these guys. I’ll post it below so you can feel like you watched a little reenactment.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=XFUTHjAeXF8%3Fsi%3DDgyEjrXScMS1LWMU