Tag: darndest

Husband Says the Darndest Things

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So my husband has this weird little quick. (“little”) He likes to make up his own words for EVERYTHING. Like he basically speaks a different language. So below I’ve included a language key so you too can learn Danlish. Enjoy!

(Yes, these are real. No, they’re not just a one time thing, there are genuinely the words he’ll use in our everyday conversations)

Casey – Keke
Jack – Jeff
Andie – Andrew (I hate this one)
Valerie – Valwee
Wife – Whiff
Fishsticks- Finch sticks
Big – Pig (Jack is a Pig boy. He goes to a Pig school)
Christmas – grinchmas
Lunch – Lanch
Breakfast – Beef fast
Car – *heavy Australian accent* the caaaah
Wife Swap – wiffity swahp
Catfish – scabidoo scabidoo scatfish
Valentines – Val n Tiny Day
Friday Night Funkin – Friday Night Pumpkin
Hide and seek- Hide and stink
John Lennon – Jane Lennon
British – (loudly) BRIH-ISH
Best friend – Beast friend
Disneyland – Dizzy land (which now our four year old believes is the real name)
Splash Mountain – The Zipadee Doo Dah Ride
Facebook – Fa-cay Bookay
Cuddle – Cubble
B*tch – Bih
Shampoo – Shampoopoo
Shower – Showder
Wendy’s – Wendizzle
McDonalds – The MacDaddy
Little Ceasars – Lil’ Steeze
Red Robin – Red Robby
Texas Roadhouse – Te-has
Zupas – Zoops Soups
Applebees – A$$hole-bees

Chili’s – Chilitos
Mac n cheese – snack and cheese

And finally…

Chick Fil A — Chicken Phallus palace

Kids Say the Darndest Things (catch up)

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ME: Ooh, Jack is a rebel.
CASEY: Yeah, Jack is Rubble and I’m Chase!

Every time Dan would come home, he would throw the kids high in the air. He tried to teach them to say Buzz Lightyear’s catchphrase before he threw them: “To Infinity and Beyond!”. But for some reason both of them would cry, “Two Fifty and Beyond!”. So then Dan tried to switch to Woody: “There’s a snake in my boot!” But all he got was “There’s a sneaky in my boot.” and “There’s a stinky in my butt.”

CASEY: I don’t want a quesadilla I want a Jacky-dea.

JACK: *leaving to go to school* Bye! Have fun playing with the kids!

Caught my dang three-year-old trying to stick a screwdriver in an outlet. I yelled at him to stop, explained how dangerous that is, that he could even DIE. He literally scoffed, rolled his eyes and said:

CASEY: It’s fine, Mom. Then I’d just be a zombie.

JACK: I don’t like white popsicles because they taste like ants. Isn’t that icky?
ME: How do you know what ants taste like?
JACK: I don’t know but it gives me a headache to think about.

CASEY: *playing with Dan* Boom you’re trapped! I’m a police officer!
DAN: Did you read me my rights?
CASEY: Yeah I’ll do that. *pretends to hold a book* Once upon a time Daddy was trapped and went to jail.

JACK: *points to his Spaghettios* I call these “blowy basgettios”. You know why?
ME: Why?
JACK: Because you blow em like this *blows* like how you have to blow a mosquito.
ME: Like… blowing a mosquito away?
JACK: Not mosquito, I meant to say noodle.
ME: *laughs* what?

DAN: *to me* Hit the AC will ya?
CASEY: No, Dad! It’s B and then C. A B C.

JACK: Does grandma live on Earth?
ME: … yeah. Utah is on Earth.
JACK: Ohhhhhhhhh!

CASEY: (holding up a toy) Should I break this?
ME: No, you shouldn’t
CASEY: Well what can I break?
ME: You can break my heart when you grow up too fast.
CASEY: (imitates a breaking sound) Pssh! Your heart is broken!
ME: Yeah it is 😭

Kids Say the Darndest (December 2021)

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CASEY: *out of nowhere* You know what? I could grab a duck.

After buckling Jack into his seat, Dan let one rip and then shut the van door.

JACK: *totally disgusted* Why did Dad do that? That was so clumsy.

MALL SANTA: And what’s your name?

CASEY: *too flustered and excited* I’m Santa. I mean! I’m Santa. I mean! I’m Casey.

I’m pregnant with my third and I told the kids I had a baby in my belly.

JACK: What?? Right now?

ME: Yeah, right in there.

JACK: *super worried* But it’s gonna burst out of your belly! And tear a big hole!??

ME: … *not knowing where to start with this one*

JACK: Oh, well, I guess they could put you back together right?

ME: Yeah, I’ll go to the hospital to get the baby out.

JACK: Oh, that’s okay then.

When I told Casey that my tummy was getting bigger because of the baby he was like:

CASEY: Yeah, and Daddy’s belly too!

Jack has been so excited about the idea of a baby. He constantly talks about it.

JACK: Can I hug your baby? Can I kiss your baby? When the baby comes out I’m gonna rock him in the chair to sleep. Can we name the baby “Case”?

ME: What does the cow say?

CASEY: “Moo.”

ME: What does the Mommy say?

CASEY: “Oink oink.”

ME: Alright, listen you.

I brought home ultrasound pictures to show the boys. As they were looking at the new baby, I asked them whether they thought they were getting a new brother or a sister.

JACK: *pointing to the picture* That’s a brother because he has short hair.

Today at lunch my three-year-old randomly announced.

CASEY: You know what? I have a cool family!

JACK: I really like your hair.

ME: Aww, thank you.

JACK: And I really like your heart.

ME: *crying* Buddy! Thank you!