The FACE

Okay. I’m pretty embarrassed to share this piece of information with you… because it’s going to ‘out’ basically every guy I’ve ever been attracted to.

So, sometime during my mid-twenties, like already married and everything, I was talking to a best friend of mine about past dating life, celebrity crushes and that sort of girl gab… And I told her that I have a really,¬†really specific type that I like physically…

 

REENACTMENT TIME. Two friends having a shallow conversation over a tray of chicken nuggets.

Me: So, every single celebrity and guy I’ve been attracted to has the same face. The Same. Exact. Face.

Her: Haha. Okay, like what?

Me: Brown eyes. Most importantly.

Her: Most importantly?

Me: As big as humanly possible. Freakishly big brown puppy dog eyes.

Her: Is that it? They all have big, brown eyes?

Me: Well… And I like brunettes.

Her: Sure. A natural with the brown eyes. Short hair or long?

Me: You know that sixties hair where it’s like swooped over but still with decent side-burns?

Her: Ooh yeah.

Me: I like cheekbones. Like when their cheeks ball up when they smile.

Her: Oh yeah, that’s cute.

Me: Just a lot of face. An overwhelming amount of face. Like the chunkier the dude the better.

Her: Uh…

Me: And like, I know I should probably be trying to breed out my big nose, but I love long noses. A real man’s nose.

Her: You… you know you just perfectly described… feature by feature… Woody from Toy Story, right?

Me: …

Her: …

Me:

jcena

!!!

 

No, this is not a joke. And no, this is not an exaggeration either. I have no idea why I didn’t put it together sooner. Honest to goodness, not lying or making this up… three of my past love interests have even told me DIRECTLY that other people say they look like Woody (my husband included).

And okay, this best friend I was talking to reassured me that every girl had “A Face”. And she showed me hers. Hers was normal. Hers was like a Ben Affleck looking face. MINE IS A CARTOON TOY OKAY? HOW IS THAT A NORMAL HUMAN EXPERIENCE?

And like the creepiest part of it… is that I have always loved Woody. A little too much. Like once I got a Woody doll as a Christmas present and I actually cried over it. I do not know why I’m so attached to him as a character. I think maybe… loyalty? He’s super loyal throughout the series? (I’ve heard #4 is questionable here. I haven’t seen it yet) But, Toy Story One came out when I was five… which is a pretty impressionable age, right?

lmao

Another theory here. It’s not actually Woody. It’s Daniel. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence that I was actively and purposefully seeking Dan’s exact face. Not to mention really specific personality traits that my husband has perfectly. It’s… very odd. I don’t know that I believe in soul mates, but it honestly almost feels like I remembered what Daniel looked like and I was trying to find him.

Either that or I’m really hot for Toy Story. Whatever.

The Time I Blew My Crush Away… With Snot

bubbleblower

Once upon a time I liked this guy. And really the core reason for the infatuation was that he was just so GOSH DARN FUNNY. He wasn’t even attractive necessarily, but he was to me!¬†Every time I was with him I just basked in the audience of our own private comedy club. I mean he had my heart from the first time he got me cackling like a witch.

So I was NOT about to miss an opportunity to see him. Even if I had the most horrendous death-bed virus. I popped Dayquil like a meth addict because NOTHING WILL KEEP ME FROM THIS MAN’S JOKES.

sickface
“What? No! I hardly even feel sick. I look fine. Let’s go!”

I meet up with him. Doing everything in my will power to keep from serenading him with “Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel”. And you know what? It was a great time! Everything went off as smooth as could be…

And then we said goodbye.

Uhhhhh… Why do I even tell you these horribly awkward things?

We say goodbye and he drops the granddaddy of all jokes. It’s like every punchline had led up to THIS punchline. It caught me completely off guard and I didn’t even have time to attempt a pretty giggle (which I never ever do anyways). I snort. I forget to open my mouth and the laugh comes OUT MY NOSE. And that’s not the only thing that came out my nose.

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I don’t know how you can tell certain shapes by feel only… but I could tell that I had actually just formed a bubble of snot. It didn’t even pop right away. It was brought to life right there on my nostril and was just going to kick it for a while. And I have a big nose, so you know it was not the average snot bubble.

HORRIFIED I pinch it off with my fingers. He sort of reared back in confusion and then kept on talking. I’m like… Did he even see that? Maybe he didn’t even see that… How could he not have seen it? It was right in front of his face!

But here’s the new predicament: I now have a handful of green snot that I had just collected off my face. Okay, I’m not about to wipe it anywhere. That would confirm what he may or may not have seen. So I stick my wet hand into the pocket of my jacket on the sly. I’m figuring I can get to a bathroom just as soon as this guy leaves.

I cleared my throat a couple of times just so he KNEW I was sick and that I don’t produce a Nickelodeon amount of snot every single time.

snotme

My answer came as to whether or not he had seen it, when he EXTENDED HIS HAND TO SHAKE MINE GOODBYE.

Things didn’t work out with that guy.

 

 

If that wasn’t embarrassing enough for you, you can watch me retch on camera trying to eat baby food! My best friend has a YouTube channel and I often guest star. If you like a lot of my mommy posts and baby stuff, then you will love this channel because she has tons of pregnancy and mom vlogs. You should check it out!