I just want to have a nice family trip with my kids, is that so much to ask?

Y’all ever seen The Truman Show? The movie about a man who unknowingly grows up on a giant TV set and the only way they keep him from leaving the set is to stage all these preposterous disasters. Am I… Truman? Because for some reason the simulation is programmed to throw me the craziest vacation outcome every time. And I’m not talking about ‘Oh, we forgot to pack our toothbrushes. Whomp, whomp.’ I’m talking about like disgusting and horrifying health code violation stuff.

Traveling is already difficult with three teeny humans. Even though my kids are generally chill travel buddies, there is still a lot to consider when taking a vacation as a young family. So Daniel and I decided to try lowkey family trips now and save up for epic family vacations when they’re older. *Mommy needs a new pair of Disney cruises* But even with trying to do the most simple things the simulation was like NO! YOU CANNOT LEAVE THE MOVIE SET. GO BACK TO HOME SQUARE. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS. DO NOT ATTEMPT ANY OTHER FAMILY FUN TIMES.

My oldest wanted to go camping, okay? So we came up with what we thought was a genius idea. We were like ‘Hey, what if we Airbnb’d a cabin a couple of hours North out of lava valley. And just pitched a tent in the backyard? That way we’ll have plumbing and a nice place for the baby to sleep. And when the boys inevitably get too scared to sleep in the tent, they can come inside and sleep on the beds.’ Brilliant. We choose a super cute cabin, reserve it for a couple of nights. Pick some activities to do nearby. And drive all the way up there.

NOTE. We did not have cell phone service as we drove through the woods to the cabin. An important detail that will bite us in the a$$ later.

We get to this cabin. Everything is so majestic and exciting. There was a literal family of elk walking through the yard. We input the code and step inside…

You ever smell a smell so weird it’s stuck in your memory forever? Well, there are three bad smells that are permanently stuck in my nose like that. 1. When I lived in Peru and the sewage pipe exploded underneath the street. 2. When I was first married, and I cooked a weird ground sausage recipe. And 3. The absolute sour onion trash smell of that little cabin.

It was so gross. And not only that, but there was bedding and pillows lying in a bundle on the floor. It was like… they hadn’t cleaned anything at all. So I called the Airbnb people to complain. COMPLETELY OUT OF MY MOUSEY NONCONFRONTATIONAL NORM. (I guess that’s what a weird smell will do to you). And just as I was explaining about the pillows on the floor the lady cut me off and was like-

“YOU’RE INSIDE? Get the hell out of there right now!”

Can you imagine anything worse coming from your Airbnb host? Then she was like:

“No one called you!?!”

“Well, we didn’t have service for the last couple of hours.”

“The cabin is full of bed bugs! We found them when we were trying to clean it for you guys.”

So yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep. We desperately tried to find another place to stay but everything was booked. Like it was a Podunk town in the middle of the woods. It had like one other hotel or something. And besides we were just icked out from the whole thing. Like we had been all over the infested cabin for like 20 minutes so we just drove the two hours home and tossed our clothes into the washer and had a family scrub down.

And anyway, you think that’s bad? That’s not even the half of our vacation stories.

You ever ignore LITERAL red flags before? Because I did! In my pretty weak defense, I have lived in land locked states my entire life. I’ve only been to the actual beach a handful of times ever. So yeah, okay, I SAW the red flag, up on the rocks or whatever. But I didn’t know that had anything to do with the beach / ocean. I kind of thought it meant don’t climb on these rocks or something.

We went to San Diego. I had never been before and it’s only a five hour drive from us. I have always, always wanted to visit Hotel del Coronado. It’s where my favorite author based his time travel novel, it’s where one of my favorite films were made and it’s also deliciously haunted (I think it inspired a short story or two from Stephen King). Just a very me destination.

We decided we weren’t going to stay at the hotel, we were just going to walk through what we could and then play at the beach there. (Because we’re saving up for Perfect Day at CoCoCay, alright? No judgies.) Now, I would just like to say that we’re not entirely stupid. Or at least we’re not alone in stupidity. Because there were SEVERAL other families on this beach okay. Like enough that it looked like a totally normal beach experience. Other than a red flag up on the rocks and a tiny non conspicuous sign wayyyy up at the hotel that we wouldn’t even see until later that evening, there was no reason for us to think anything was wrong.

Um, so we played at that beach for actual hours. Like, crawling around in the water and digging in the wet sand and everything.

And then FINALLY a lifeguard came by on a megaphone to say, “Hey, just a reminder, this part of the beach is closed today, due to a sewage contamination issue. So you probably don’t want to be in the water over here.”

We had been in there for hours. HOURS. No one said sh*t. As in, no one told us about the sh*t. Why didn’t they say anything?? Did they honestly think that we knew and just didn’t care? That we were cool letting our babies crawl through poop sludge all day? Like obviously several families were just as clueless as us. Del! Rope that poopoo area off! Megaphone that message more than once a day!

So there we go again. Stripping our swimsuits off into trash bags and having ANOTHER family scrub down.

Anyway. That’s it. That’s my oopsie poop-sea story.

Comment below your worst family vacation story. Genuinely curious if it’s possible to get any worse than bed bugs and sewage contamination haha.