Detective Big Nose – PART ONE

1997/1998 I was seven years old and BIG on mysteries. I was completely hooked on Scooby-Doo. I checked out a lot of Hardy Boys from the library. It was totally my jam. So I created my OWN Sherlock-Holmes-type detective called Detective Big Nose and wrote a series. I hope you enjoy.

“Try to catch the thief to put in jail. Clues down: Follow the foot prints. The Bear, Episode One”
“Hi Randy.” (I just thought I was SO funny to reveal the villain right off the bat.)
“Ha! The Bank! Let’s go inside.” “Look at other pages”
“Bear.” “Maddison fainted because of the bear.” “Sarah.”
“Where’s Randy?” said Big Nose. “And Maddison?” Sarah added. “Look! Maddison and a bear,” Sarah added again. “That’s NO bear,” he said coming near it. “That’s Randy!” He took off the mask. For all time they thought Randy was the thief.

Join me next month for another installment of Detective Big Nose.

The Card Shuffle

I had a really weird experience the other day and decided to write about it. It might seem small or dumb, but bear with me here!

I was playing Uno with my kids, which requires a healthy amount of card shuffling between each game. … Now, I’ve never been able to shuffle. Since I was a kid, I would just kind of mix up the cards. Spread ‘em around on the ground. Or just give them to someone else! But something weird happened in my brain when I was playing with my kids. I thought

I’m going to try to shuffle these cards.

And I did it perfectly without hesitation. Shhhhhhffffft. I could even do the bridge. Fwwffffftttt.

That blew my mind. Because here I was, a woman on the cusp of thirty-one years old. And all my life I had been actively TELLING MYSELF that I did not know how to shuffle cards. I had NEVER TRIED TO SHUFFLE A DECK OF CARDS. I was just telling myself not to do it and that I didn’t know how. But I never once split a deck and actually tried to do it.

I cannot tell you how freaky this experience was for me. It was like The Truman Show. My whole reality is in question now. What else have I been telling myself I can’t do??? What else have I been telling myself I don’t enjoy? What else have I been telling myself “that’s bad”.

So that’s it. Deconstruct your Truman Show set! You can do whatever you want! You can like whatever you want! You can be you! That is all! I love you

Kids Say the Darndest Things (Aug 2021)

JACK: Your butt is big, Mom.

ME: Okay, thanks.

JACK: I mean, it’s super DUPER big.

ME: Okay! I got it!


CASEY: (spinning) I’m dizzy!

ME: (making a dumb Dad Joke) What do you want to do, Dizzy?

CASEY: I want to go to Dizzy-land!


Lately Casey has been calling Jack, “my Jack”. Like, “Where is my Jack?” “There’s my Jack! My Jack is back!” He also has been insisting that they wear the same color of shirt everyday. So today, when he saw Jack was wearing a red shirt, he demanded to be changed out of his blue shirt.

CASEY: I don’t match my Jack! No, I need to match my Jack!


A wasp landed on Jack Heroically, Dan swatted it away.

JACK: No I wanted him! He liked me!


We went on a hike and my two-year-old starting singing aloud every single thing that was happening.

CASEY: (cheerful singing) There’s lots of sand. And lots of mud. I’m farting. I farted and mommy laughed.


The boys caught a cold.

ME: (checking in) How are you feeling?

JACK: I feel better.

CASEY: I feel cough.


On the same note. Casey’s cough worsened, which always aggravates his sensitive gag reflex. After the grossest sounding cough turned hacking gag/possible slight puke, he turns to me and very calmly and politely says

CASEY: I have a little cough.


ME: Coconuts.

JACK: Cock and nuts?

ME: That’s definitely not how you pronounce it…


A while ago, I wrote about Jack mispronouncing the word “freckle”. The other day, Dan and I learned that Casey calls it “a peckle”. And this is my official petition to change the word freckle to peckle.

Writing Before I Could Write

It’s that time of the month again, where we dive into my childhood and drag back a piece of writing as early as it can be.

At estimated five-years-old I clearly remember making this story. I was sitting in church and I painstakingly drew each page with the exact words in mind. Then hired my mom as scribe and put my “first ever book” together!

“Too Many Friends”
“I have nice friends.”
“But, I have too many friends.”
“We do handrails.”
“We go on hills.”
(read right to left) “But… I have too many friends!”
The End (lol)

There you go. I hope you enjoyed my Kindergarten humblebrag from back in the day. Haha!

Kids Say the Darndest Things (July 2021)

CASEY: (yelling) Tickle me! Tickle me!

ME: Shhh!

CASEY: (whispers) Tickle me. Tickle me.


ME: Hold on, I gotta get dressed before we go swimming.

JACK: It’s not called a dress It’s called a swimming suit

Meanwhile Casey is over here calling his a “swim soup”


Every time Casey finishes a book he enthusiastically calls out “AMEN!” instead of “The End”.


So my husband passionately hates Sour Cream and Cheddar chips. (I know what’s up with that??) One day he was trying to indoctrinate my child away from liking those chips by referring to them as “stinky fart chips”. Not only does Jack still like those chips, but now he permanently calls them “fart chips”.

JACK: Can I have fart chips with my sandwich?


CASEY: (every time he’s about to go down the slide) Here come me!


Jack insisted on wearing his underwear backwards. When my husband asked why he said

JACK: Because I don’t like the pocket in the front.


CASEY: (rolling on the couch) I’m a wiggly, wiggly worm!!


One night Jack called out to in terror. Dan rushed in and asked what was wrong.

JACK: (crying) I can’t count to zero!
DAN: … No one can count to zero. Go back to sleep.


ME: Hey. I love you.
CASEY: Oh, I glad.

Reading the Diary I Had at 3 Years Old

So I found this:

It’s a journal that was given to me in May 1994 (says my mother’s handwriting on the inside of the cover). I was three years old and already loved to write. The first story I remember “writing” (drawing) was about getting the chicken pox, which Mom says happened the same year I got the journal. So, I knew I had been writing and story telling since then, but finding this thing was an absolute GEM.

It turns out I had kept it through the nineties and completely FILLED it full of my own original stories. So many in fact, that I decided to start a new blog series where I share a story I wrote in this book as a child.

Let’s start with 1994. Three years old. (For personal reference, my youngest is two and my oldest has just turned five, so… pretty little!)

The first thing I did was open to a fresh page and draw a “boney-bones” (a skeleton). Very on brand for me.

A ghost that’s labeled “Boob” hahahaha

Then I redrew the ghost and labelled it “Book”

A little character I drew in November 1994 (so, now I’m technically 4)

I figured out how to draw a tape dispenser. I have a vivid memory of being really excited about this haha

This one I don’t remember but my mom’s caption says it’s a story about a father and a son.

Tune in next month for some serious kindergartener author action hahaha.

Resolutions Update: Summer Quarter

Let’s check in on some of these resolutions shall we?

MAKE A LIST OF THINGS TO PUT TOGETHER IN THE NEW HOUSE; DO SOME OF THE THINGS:

Things are HAPPENING! Let me tell you I am THRILLED. The first half of the year, I thought things were going so slowly, but now as more and more things are checked off the list, I see just how much progress we’re actually making! It’s great! We even checked off our two biggest projects this quarter. Fixing our irrigation system and putting new lights in the basement. Man, you know you’re a boring adult when you do some remodeling and then that’s all you want to talk about. Every time anyone comes over I’m like, “Look at these lights! Have you seen how bright it is?? You shoulda seen it before! The paint color is different! Aren’t these great lights? Look, they’re smart lights I can make them Christmas colors wheeeeeeeeee!”

MAKE A HABIT OF STRETCHING EVERY DAY, SLOWLY BUILD UP A YOGA ROUTINE:

Well, this one suddenly died. Pffffffft! I don’t know what happened! I was doing so well and then suddenly I wasn’t doing well anymore!

CLEAN WHILE THE BOYS ARE IN THE BATH

And then this one suddenly came alive. HAHAHA! What happened was Jack started going to school every day. And so I was like THIS IS IT. I am DOING A FREAKING CLEANING ROUTINE. And so far it’s going well. I don’t know why I can’t have a cleaning routine AND an excersice routine. It’s like one or the other. Like I have to just pick one to win at in life.

WRITING WRITING EVERYWHERE

I mean… I don’t know. I’m at a little bit of a loss. I’m now in the middle of two books. Both paranormal thrillers. Sooooo… I JUST DON’T KNOW! I was doing great with the one and then suddenly I stopped writing in the middle of May. And I have not been able to pick it back up. It kind of freaks me out. This happens to me a lot. I will be PLOWING forward on a new project and then get burnt out at thirty thousand words. HOW DO YOU GET OVER THAT HURDLE??? Comment any advice please!! At least I’m back to blogging so that part is okay. Short story I don’t know. But first draft done by fall?? UGHHHHH! JUST LET THIS HAPPEN FOR ME PLEASE MUSES!!

So I Went to See a Psychic…

Several months ago I learned that there was a psychic just around the corner from my house… and I set up an appointment with her.

Dan thought it was the cringiest thing ever to spend money on a psychic. But I was really curious. Not that I believed in it necessarily, but people pay to go and see magicians all the time even though they know it’s an illusion. So why couldn’t I go and do this for the entertainment value? I mean I knew it was an illusion. That they use super broad questions and statements to make it seem like they’re saying something about you. And just the same as a magician, I wanted to see if I could catch her in the act and analyze how her storytelling.

So that’s how I went in. As a skeptic… Then, I came out a believer.

It was not at all how I thought it was going to be. Her statements were not generalized, in fact they were extremely specific. She didn’t lead me with a single question. Not even a how ya doing. She literally had me sit down, I said nothing, not even my name. And then told me point blank about my life with total accuracy. It was EERIE.

Here are some of the things she told me:

“You have a really positive family energy around you. But you’re worried about Mom’s health… this is something that’s been happening for a couple of years… something that’s declined her health but not affected the quality of her life. I expect she’ll still have another 10 years of really good quality life, so take advantage of this.” A couple of years ago my mom had cancer. She had a major surgery to remove the tumor, which also took her spleen and kidney as well. As of now my mom is okay, but because she no longer has a spleen, she’s immunocompromised and COVID has been extra stressful for our family. There’s no way that this psychic could have known that. I’ve never publicly expressed about my mother’s health until now.

“I see a gathering… your family will all gather and reunite sometime this year. It will be a happy occasion. I also see a wedding happening in your family this year.” My brother and sister-in-law are planning a wedding in Kosovo for August  

“Career energy is low. You’re not where you want to be. You’re disappointed. You’re just going through the motions, dreaming of… a promotion or an advancement of some kind… I see two projects. The first project was supposed to be done by the end of the year. And it wasn’t and you’re frustrated by this. I see this project coming to an end soon… something really positive will happen in April. April will advance you in some way but be hectic and busy for you… the second project… is very positive. Very, very positive energy about the second project! … this second project will get you the advancement you want. These projects will keep you very busy this year.” I never told this woman that I was a writer. At the time of the reading I had been working on two books. I had a goal to finish the first one by the end of the year but wasn’t able to. April was Camp NaNoWriMo where I worked on a big chunk of the second book! I had not told anyone that I was planning to execute such an ambitious NaNoWriMo in April…

“I keep feeling ‘classes’ are coming your way… but you won’t return to school… were you a teacher? I think you’ll begin teaching again. You’ll have your own ‘classes’… I also see… something in the community. A director. You’ll be a director for the community… you don’t think you have the ability to do this but it’s in your potential and you’ll excel at this.” The only question she asked the whole time, I said yes, I was a teacher but didn’t tell her what I was a teacher of… she came up with the word director herself.

“A child was supposed to come, but something happened, something delayed this… This year you’ll make preparations for the child but the timing will be hard to get right… I see a little longer to get pregnant, it might put you on edge… I see more the beginning of 2022… It will be a very easy pregnancy, right until the end and then there’s a complication, something very difficult right at the end… But the baby will be healthy… And it will be a girl.” Daniel and I were originally going to try for a baby after moving into the new house but put it off due to coronavirus. We had just started talking about trying again.

“You’ve been afraid of this new phase of life. The addition of this child. Because things have been difficult already and they’re supposed to be ‘the best years of your life’. But this isn’t true… and they won’t be the best years of your life. You’ll step into this new phase with competence.”

“I see a total of four children. I think the last one will be a happy surprise. But you’ll be content and excited. Only a little nervous because of the ending difficulty of the pregnancy before.”

“I see you moving out of Arizona… you like it here and will be settled and happy for a few more years… It’ll be somewhere in the West, I don’t see you going to the East coast… and not costal… inland. Somewhere with mountains. You’ll be pulled toward the mountains. I see it’s a career opportunity and that it’s a happy move. You’ll travel back to Arizona often and have ties here.” We’ve always talked about returning to Utah if we get the chance.

“A see a second property. In Arizona. It will be a good investment for you and your husband.” This one freaked us out! Just the other week we had played around with the idea of purchasing a condo and renting it out. We were only being half-serious and hadn’t told a single soul we thought about doing that! She brought up the second property a couple of times!

“Your husband is a very good man. Very giving. And supportive. Would do anything for anyone. You are just as good as him. You have positive energy together. You trust each other very well. I see you lasting… His health is very good. He will live a long life… All your children will be healthy as well…”

She also described a few of my friends with COMPLETE accuracy. Their genders, their personalities, the problems they’re facing. That one was super spot on, but due to the nature of the problems I don’t want to say who these friends were that she brought up.

I don’t know how she could have known some of those things. (There was a lot of other things that got right, but I can’t put everything down). But it was AWESOME. She is REAL. I told one of my friends about her and she scheduled a virtual reading with her. She said completely different stuff to my friend and all that stuff was COMPLETELY ACCURATE AS WELL! As the year goes on we keep marking tallies of all the things that have come true from our psychic.

She hasn’t been wrong yet.

Kids Say the Darndest Things (June 2021)

JACK: (flexing) I’m so strong, look at my elbows! 


In the bath.

CASEY: (points to the body wash) Okay. I’m ready for the slime!


JACK: Mom, ask me if whales are nice.

ME: Are Whales nice?

JACK: Yeah.

*No follow up context*



CASEY: Look Mommy I’m on the table. (starts dancing)

ME: What are you doing up there?

CASEY: Just bein’ myself.


Jack was taking very slow and loud breaths.

JACK: (whispers to himself) I’m doing such a good job breathing.



At my friend’s house, Casey asked for a slice of cheese. He was so insistent on it that my friend caved and let him have one. Then we watched as he put the slice of cheese on a scooter and gave it a ride around the apartment. He never ate it.


Jack kept asking me to wipe his butt for him. I explained to him that once he turned five, he would go to Kindergarten and he would have to wipe his butt all by himself. The next day, we heard him yell this from the bathroom.

JACK: Can someone wipe my bum!? I’m still four! I’m not five yet!


I was outside when a breeze sounded off some wind chimes nearby.

CASEY: (excited) Mommy, do you hear that magic?


JACK: I had a dream I was at a party and there was a fire! I turned into a fire truck and put out the fire!

ME: That’s great, buddy! Good job!

JACK: …

ME: …

JACK: I wet the bed.

Three Things You Didn’t Know About Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

A long time ago, toward the beginning of the 2020 quarantine, I posted this joke:

And well YOU ASKED FOR IT.

So here are my top three break-down theories on Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. (Spoilers. But if you haven’t seen this movie yet, I really don’t know what you’re waiting for)

1 Cameron Fry is the protagonist. Ferris Bueller is the narrator

The last time I watched this movie, I thought to myself, “This would make an excellent YA novel from the point of view of Cameron Fry.” That’s when the dynamic really became clear. This movie is Cameron’s story. Not Ferris’.

At the beginning of the movie, we see Ferris Bueller… super cool, untouchable, clever, and mischievous. And at the end of the movie, we see Ferris Bueller… super cool, untouchable, clever, and mischievous. He remains constant throughout the movie, he doesn’t have an arc. He doesn’t change. And he’s not supposed to! He acts as a constant change agent that shapes all the other characters around him. (More on that in point two).

In the contrast, we see Cameron at the beginning of the movie- sick, miserable, “not dying, just can’t think of anything good to do”. The character has a problem to be solved, like all good and compelling protagonists. He’s about to make a change. It’s The Hero’s Journey. He’s had the literal “call to adventure” and is now being forced out of his comfort zone into this crazy escapade with his best friend.

It’s not even Ferris’ DAY OFF, if you think about it. Ferris has already missed school nine times up to this point. This is Cameron’s Day Off.

Ferris is the narrator for Cameron’s story. Even stylistically, he breaks the fourth wall to look into the camera and address the audience directly. If you still don’t believe Cameron is the main character, consider this: Ferris doesn’t talk about the other characters. He’s not telling you how he met Sloane. Hardly the only thing he says about Jeanie is that she got a car and he didn’t. Throughout the movie, he tells the audience about Cameron. His cold relationships with his parents, his character flaws. Cameron Fry is the focus because he is about to make the biggest change (AKA protagonist)

2. Ferris helps the characters grow up not down

At a quick glance, you might think that Ferris is encouraging his friends to go off on a childish adventure. But he’s not. He’s forcing them to challenge authority and assume their own identities as adults. They’re not skipping school to go to the local arcade (which is what Rooney thinks they’re doing). He’s taking them to art museums, fine restaurants, and even the stock exchange. At every moment he’s challenging them to give up their passive childhood for an independent adulthood. Even Sloane is challenged by Ferris in this way when he asks her if she wants to get married.

It’s not about the irresponsibility, although he knows how to do that well. As the active change agent in the story he has a motive for each person. For example, it’s not about stealing the car, he’s getting Cameron to challenge his father.

In the B story, Jeanie is also forced to change in this way. She constantly gripes and moans about having no control in her life (If I was BLEEDING out my eyes you’d still make me go to school). Then after a therapeutic conversation with Charlie Sheen, she has FERRIS busting his a$$ to beat her home and SHE is the one to save him from Rooney. In parellel to Cameron’s story, she takes back her control.

3. Ferris Bueller is actually John Lennon

You really think I could go one blog post without mentioning this guy??

Okay but this is FOR REAL. I know a fellow Lennon-obsessed writer when I see one. And Hughes no-doubt-in-my-mind modeled Ferris Bueller after John Lennon. He basically tells us upfront.

Ferris first directly name drops Lennon to the audience, by quoting; “I don’t believe in Beatles, I just believe in me.” Then he tells us, “I could be The Walrus.”

Ferris spends the movie as the leader, challenging authority and encouraging mischief and mayhem a la “A Hard Day’s Night”. Hughes even recreated the same shot of them jumping in slow motion with their arms raised.

Then of course to cap it all off. He lip syncs to Twist and Shout on the parade float. And I really don’t know how you can get anymore obvious than that.

If you don’t believe that Hughes would go to such lengths to model a character after Lennon, consider The Breakfast Club, when the janitor readily admits that he wanted to “grow up and become John Lennon”. Or when Brian the Brain whispers to himself about being The Walrus.

At the very end of the film, Ferris leans back in his hands and says the classic line, “Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once and a while you could miss it.”

…Which is supposedly a derivative of this quote…

BONUS!

I truly feel that I would be amiss to not lead you into this excellent conspiracy theory from the inner depth of Redditt. The theory is that Ferris is actually a figment of Cameron’s imagination. It’s a more compelling theory than you would think! I’ll leave the video here, so you can have your mind blown.