And no, I’m not talking about the Scorpio who broke my heart in the 10th grade, but yeah, that freaking stung too, thanks.
The Arizona Bark Scorpion. Well, well, well… if it isn’t the little Satan bug itself.
First off, I have a really lovely house. I generally enjoy living in the sweltering desert of the East Valley. But what I don’t enjoy is being POISONED by arachnids in the comfort of my own home.
Our house was built on top of an old orange grove, which sure, it’s nice having a fruit tree in my back yard. But that also came with a neighborhood infestation of scorpions. And like, you can spray your yard all you want but those suckers crawl up the cinder-block walls. And if you have a neighbor behind you that cannot even be bothered to pick up his dog’s poop for months on end, you can rest assured that a handful of scorpions will find their way onto your property at night.
But no big deal, we bought a black light and we do a nightly patrol. And it’s been all cool, man.
And this one RANDOM afternoon.
My oldest had just got home from school and we were in the basement watching TV when suddenly my poor, worse-luck four-year-old SCREAMS and grabs his toe. So, as the kind-hearted and understanding mother that I am, I’m thinking, ‘Kid stubbed his toe and he’s being way over-dramatic about it’.
I try to assess the situation and calm him down. And right as I kneel down to get a better look at his foot. I feel this sharp prick on the side of my inner leg, just above my knee. So, I jolted away and looked at the carpet, legitimately thinking that I had just knelt on a pin. And then I saw that sucker… and when I tell you… the absolute GOOSEBUMPS that you get when you watch a spider scurrying away is NOTHING compared to the sight of a freaking Arizona Bark Scorpion slithering itself underneath your couch.
My scream was blood curdling. I yelled some curse words in front of the kids. I stood in the middle of the room on one leg, saying, “What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?”
“Call Dad!” my oldest yelled.
Dad! Right! An adult! An actual adult, not a pretend adult like I am. I called Daniel to report that half his family had just been stung by a venomous creature which was still alive and inside the actual house. I’m sure he loved getting that phone call lol.
Well, he didn’t know what to do either. WE’RE NOT FROM HERE, OKAY! WE DIDN’T GROW UP BLACK LIGHT HUNTING AMONGST THE CACTI! WE WERE NOT PREPARED FOR THIS EVENT! He told me to take our son to Urgent Care. And I agreed because children under six are more at risk for scorpion sting complications. SO AT LEAST WE KNEW THAT.
FUN FACT / PSA: If you or your loved one are stung by an Arizona Bark Scorpion, you can just call poison control. You do not have to spend hundreds of dollars suffering at an urgent care clinic. A tip that we did NOT get until we were already inside the patient room with the doctor. (Gee, thanks a lot)
FUN FACT / PSA: Probably don’t drive if a scorpion has just stung you on your leg. Because the venom will spread and spasm your muscles. And it will hurt like a b*tch. And you’ll be punching your steering wheel and crying the entire drive because you didn’t know life could be like this.
Yeah, I don’t know why but by the time we got to the clinic my four-year-old? Totally fine. Like nothing happened. Like as if he wasn’t just injected with a neurotoxin. (Thus the magic of children anytime you take them to a doctor’s appointment of any kind.) I, on the other hand, am trying to fill out patient paperwork while doing the freaking stanky leg at the check-in counter.
Daniel met us at the urgent care so that we could both get the news that no one was dying, it just sucked was all. But we still had a major problem. I SAW THAT YUCKY BUG CRAWL UNDER THE COUCH. THAT THING WAS STILL INSIDE OUR HOME.
Rather than listing our house for sell immediately, Daniel suggested we wait for nightfall and then find it via blacklight. So, we went out to eat at Red Robin lmao. That was both a genius and stupid decision, because after sitting for two hours the venom actually pooled behind my knee so walking to the van after dinner was like walking with an icy-hot bear trap clamped around my leg. But hay, this girl got her bottomless steak fries so, like, was it really that bad of a day though? #notasponsor
It was dark when we got home, so Dan was able to find it with the black light and kill it. On the floor of our basement. Why? How did it get there? I would also like to point out that this isn’t even the first time in my life I’ve been stung like this. When I was nine, I knelt down to color a picture and a WASP stung me on the knee. INSIDE on the CARPET. Buddies, WTF are you guys doing there? I refuse to kneel down now. I’m just going to squat every time.
I will say though, I am actually thankful that I knelt on it, because otherwise I wouldn’t have known it was in the house or why my kid was crying. The clout is also sorta cool, not gonna lie. Saw the Arizona Bark Scorpion episode of the Kings of Pain and laughed so hard thinking of how calm my preschooler was compared to these guys. I’ll post it below so you can feel like you watched a little reenactment.
valmanwill.com 