Kids Say the Darndest (Jan 2023)

CASEY: *pointing to a white rose* Is this a cactus?
ME: You need to get out of Arizona once and a while.

JACK: This is an easy one. What’s 100 + 80?
ME: I don’t know what?
JACK: 180!
ME: Ohhhh.
JACK: Here’s a harder one. What’s baby + daddy?
ME: What?
JACK: A baby daddy.
ME: Hahaha what?
JACK: See that was a harder one.

CAEY: (bawling his absolute eyes out) I need help!
ME: Help with what?
CASEY: To fart on Jack!

ME: Jack can you hand me that pillow on the floor?
JACK: *points to a wrapped up dirty diaper* This?
ME: … No dude.

CASEY: I’m so sweaty! I’m one billion sweaty!

Jack takes his first sip of Mountain Dew ever.

JACK: This tastes like a yellow charge.

Casey has THE cutest habit of accidentally substituting a word for a different word. For example:

CASEY: Mom, watch out. That stick is so, so shark.


CASEY: Mom, I have a new toy car.

ME: Oh, did Daddy tell you what it was?

CASEY: Yes it’s a porch car. I love my new porch.

We were trying to explain crushes to Jack (after his friend brought it up in the car).

ME: A crush is when you love someone so much and they are so special.

DAD: Do you have a crush on someone?

JACK: (thinks a bit) Yes. My crush is baby Andie.

CASEY: (taking giant steps) Prints. Prints. Prints. Prints.
ME: What are you doing?
CASEY: I’m leaving all my footprints on the floor see?
ME: (laughing) You’re so cute!
CASEY: I’m not cute. But flowers are!

Randomly during dinner, Jack blurts out

JACK: That would be so hard if everyone in the world was a baby.

*Dan and I talking in 2014*

ME: What do you think our kids are going to be like?

DAN: I hope they have the very best qualities of both you and I.


CASEY: (running around with his matchbox cars) I’m a bad guy I’m going to get away from the police! You can’t put me in jail! I’m gonna fart attack you! Pbbbbbtttth! Heh heh heh now you’re all icky! (high pitched voice) Oh no! Call the ambulance! We need a mechanic! We’re all farted!

Kids Say The Darndest Things – (Nov 22)

Before we had Andie we were very nervous that the boys would be jealous or resentful. But I was not prepared for how aggressively in love with her they would actually be. They’re like obsessed. I can’t even keep them away from her. They will dead a$$ stop everything they are doing and have to hug and kiss her every five minutes. I’m being literal. It might even be less intervals than five minutes

Casey has now combined “oh my gosh” with “holy cow” and walks around exclaiming “Oh my cow!”

JACK: We don’t wipe our boogers on baby Andie right?
DAN: … No
JACK: Yeah cause she probably wants to be clean.

We recently hired a new babysitter named “Makenzie”. And when I first told Casey her name he repeated it back as “Mechanics?” Now no matter how many times I correct him he keeps asking me “Is she really good at fixing cars?”

JACK (taking a selfie with Dan): Dad, you look good. Like an old chef.

CASEY: (whispering) Tell the story about the gingerbread man.

ME: Okay. Once upon a time-

CASEY: (whispering) No, tell the story about the gingerbread man burned me and I died. And then you plugged me in and I charged up. And then the bubbles from my tongue made me fart.
ME: …
CASEY: (whispering) Tell that one.

JACK: If I have this little cut on my foot I will survive.

Dan was sweetly carrying Casey past the stairs.

CASEY: Don’t throw me down the stairs, Dad.

I was scrubbing toilets when Casey came up behind me.

CASEY: Oh my goodness! Why is the potty so colorful? Can I have a turn?

So I shrugged and let him have a whack with the toilet scrubber. He swirled it around slowly.

CASEY: Mommy, do I look like a witch?

I picked up Jack and his best friend Emmy from school and this was the conversation in our car.

EMMY: (to me) Do you know what a secret crush is? Because I have one.

ME: Ohhhh wow! How fun!

JACK: Have you ever had your heart outside of yourself and smooshed and it’s like you’re dead but you’re not really dead?

ME: What? (laughing) Did a secret crush do that to you?

JACK: No. No one’s ever been in MY heart.

Kids Say the Darndest Things (catch up)

ME: Ooh, Jack is a rebel.
CASEY: Yeah, Jack is Rubble and I’m Chase!

Every time Dan would come home, he would throw the kids high in the air. He tried to teach them to say Buzz Lightyear’s catchphrase before he threw them: “To Infinity and Beyond!”. But for some reason both of them would cry, “Two Fifty and Beyond!”. So then Dan tried to switch to Woody: “There’s a snake in my boot!” But all he got was “There’s a sneaky in my boot.” and “There’s a stinky in my butt.”

CASEY: I don’t want a quesadilla I want a Jacky-dea.

JACK: *leaving to go to school* Bye! Have fun playing with the kids!

Caught my dang three-year-old trying to stick a screwdriver in an outlet. I yelled at him to stop, explained how dangerous that is, that he could even DIE. He literally scoffed, rolled his eyes and said:

CASEY: It’s fine, Mom. Then I’d just be a zombie.

JACK: I don’t like white popsicles because they taste like ants. Isn’t that icky?
ME: How do you know what ants taste like?
JACK: I don’t know but it gives me a headache to think about.

CASEY: *playing with Dan* Boom you’re trapped! I’m a police officer!
DAN: Did you read me my rights?
CASEY: Yeah I’ll do that. *pretends to hold a book* Once upon a time Daddy was trapped and went to jail.

JACK: *points to his Spaghettios* I call these “blowy basgettios”. You know why?
ME: Why?
JACK: Because you blow em like this *blows* like how you have to blow a mosquito.
ME: Like… blowing a mosquito away?
JACK: Not mosquito, I meant to say noodle.
ME: *laughs* what?

DAN: *to me* Hit the AC will ya?
CASEY: No, Dad! It’s B and then C. A B C.

JACK: Does grandma live on Earth?
ME: … yeah. Utah is on Earth.
JACK: Ohhhhhhhhh!

CASEY: (holding up a toy) Should I break this?
ME: No, you shouldn’t
CASEY: Well what can I break?
ME: You can break my heart when you grow up too fast.
CASEY: (imitates a breaking sound) Pssh! Your heart is broken!
ME: Yeah it is 😭