When my husband and I were dating, I decided that I was going to tell him a little joke…
I’m not going to tell you what the joke was, because honestly it was an inappropriate joke and I shouldn’t have been telling it in the first place. All I’ll say, is that it had to do with a handshake and a leprechaun.
That’s it… that’s all I’m going to tell you about it.
As I begin to tell him, I remembered how funny the punchline was… and it made me laugh before I could even get to said punchline. I started laughing really hard. So hard that … I farted. Audibly.
I vividly remember Dan blinking in confusion, wondering if that was part of the joke. IT WAS NOT. But now I’m laughing and crying of pure humiliation. And I never was able to finish that joke.
It was bad. But he still married me.
Just a short story today. You can click HERE for more embarrassing stories if you want to laugh at me. Go ahead… it’s fine… I won’t even know…
I would say that 90 – 95% of my embarrassing stories have the same formula. I try to make everyone laugh by doing something socially inappropriate… no one laughs and then it’s just inappropriate.
The summer between my junior and senior year I worked at an Arctic Circle. I wasn’t that great of an employee so this event didn’t really help my rep. One day things were slow, which is the perfect recipe for someone* to do something dumb.
*ME
I was standing by the drive-thru window and I was talking to my manager Drew and my best friend Kayla who also worked there. At some point in the conversation Drew casually throws in a cuss word. And Kayla was all like, “What’d you say??”
What a perfect opportunity to be a comedic genius.
So I giggle and tell him to repeat the word because I’m an eternal sixth grader. He politely declines but I don’t let it go.
“Here, I’ll write it on the board.”
I grab the nearest marker and write a naughty word SO LARGE that it fills the entire white board. I turn to my manager and squeak out a “just kidding” as I erase the board…
Only NOTHING COMES OFF. I keep passing the eraser over the word again and again but it doesn’t even fade.
“IT’S NOT COMING OFF!!”
Then my boss calmly informed me that I had just used a permanent marker. And the white board was like built into the wall so we couldn’t even take it down or anything. Everyone that pulled up in the drive-thru got a BIG OL’ OFFENSIVE WORD with their charbroiled burger. Kayla at this point is incapacitated, lying on the ground and laughing so hard at me she’s bawling.
Once upon a time I liked this guy. And really the core reason for the infatuation was that he was just so GOSH DARN FUNNY. He wasn’t even attractive necessarily, but he was to me! Every time I was with him I just basked in the audience of our own private comedy club. I mean he had my heart from the first time he got me cackling like a witch.
So I was NOT about to miss an opportunity to see him. Even if I had the most horrendous death-bed virus. I popped Dayquil like a meth addict because NOTHING WILL KEEP ME FROM THIS MAN’S JOKES.
“What? No! I hardly even feel sick. I look fine. Let’s go!”
I meet up with him. Doing everything in my will power to keep from serenading him with “Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel”. And you know what? It was a great time! Everything went off as smooth as could be…
And then we said goodbye.
Uhhhhh… Why do I even tell you these horribly awkward things?
We say goodbye and he drops the granddaddy of all jokes. It’s like every punchline had led up to THIS punchline. It caught me completely off guard and I didn’t even have time to attempt a pretty giggle (which I never ever do anyways). I snort. I forget to open my mouth and the laugh comes OUT MY NOSE. And that’s not the only thing that came out my nose.
I don’t know how you can tell certain shapes by feel only… but I could tell that I had actually just formed a bubble of snot. It didn’t even pop right away. It was brought to life right there on my nostril and was just going to kick it for a while. And I have a big nose, so you know it was not the average snot bubble.
HORRIFIED I pinch it off with my fingers. He sort of reared back in confusion and then kept on talking. I’m like… Did he even see that? Maybe he didn’t even see that… How could he not have seen it? It was right in front of his face!
But here’s the new predicament: I now have a handful of green snot that I had just collected off my face. Okay, I’m not about to wipe it anywhere. That would confirm what he may or may not have seen. So I stick my wet hand into the pocket of my jacket on the sly. I’m figuring I can get to a bathroom just as soon as this guy leaves.
I cleared my throat a couple of times just so he KNEW I was sick and that I don’t produce a Nickelodeon amount of snot every single time.
My answer came as to whether or not he had seen it, when he EXTENDED HIS HAND TO SHAKE MINE GOODBYE.
Things didn’t work out with that guy.
If that wasn’t embarrassing enough for you, you can watch me retch on camera trying to eat baby food! My best friend has a YouTube channel and I often guest star. If you like a lot of my mommy posts and baby stuff, then you will love this channel because she has tons of pregnancy and mom vlogs. You should check it out!
valmanwill.com 