Before anyone knew I was pregnant with Jack they assumed I had a horrible disease because I WAS SICK ALL OF THE TIME. Most people throw up when they have food poisoning, everyday of my first trimester was food poisoning for me. I would throw up at the stupidest things, like brushing my teeth or watching my husband scramble eggs. I went from cute little pink pill to HOLY-CRAP-WE-HAVE-TO-SEDATE-YOUR-DIGESTIVE-SYSTEM. And even then, car rides were still rough. I’d have to stick my head out the window like a dog to keep it down.

The first day of my second trimester was coincidentally the first day of the college semester. And I guess that I just magically assumed that I didn’t need medication since I was technically second-trimester-free.

Ha.

It’s my very first class, the professor is going through the syllabus and someone behind me is eating straight dog food for breakfast. Honestly, I don’t know what they brought to class, but it smelled like a swamp rat. So like you know when you haven’t turned on your garbage disposal in a while? That was the smell that this person was eating for breakfast.

It kind of still makes me nauseous remembering it TBH

So I’m dripping sweat, trying so hard not to puke. Finally, I can’t take it and I excuse myself from the room, go to the bathroom… it’s gone. The urge to barf is gone because I have removed myself from the cause of the problem. I step back into class… into the breakfast burrito poo cloud. And dude, it is immediate how fast I go back to square one.

The professor is at the end of the syllabus so I’m thinking she’s going to let us out early and then I can RUN FAR FAR AWAY! Someone raises their hand and has a question, like seriously dude?? It’s literally printed out in like eight stapled sheets in front of you.

I had sat WAY TOO FAR from the door, I was at least 50 people away from an exit point.
I’m not going to make it.

The professor: Alright, well if there are no more questions I’ll see you on Wednesday.
Me: BLUUUUUUURRRP

Okay, so I didn’t actually throw up. Instead I made the LOUDEST AND GROSSEST SOUNDING BURP YOU’VE EVER HEARD. It was like Bruce Bogtrotter after he finishes the chocolate cake expect even wetter. The professor actually gave me the most horrified look, like the way her eyes snapped open is burned into my memory forever.

Oh man, and it was so early on in my pregnancy that I didn’t look pregnant at all. I’m sure I seriously shocked everyone. And it was the freaking first day of class so everyone probably called me barf-girl in their heads the rest of the semester.

Anyways. If you’re going to have sewage draining for breakfast can you like eat it before you come to class? Please.