It was just a’ight.

DISCLAIMER #1: Because this movie is so “cOntRoVErsiAL”, I want to clarify right off the bat that this is not a political commentary on this film in any way. Any critiques that I may or may not share is based solely on the storytelling that was presented.

DISCLAIMER #2: I’m going to be sharing spoilers. So if you haven’t seen the movie and are wanting to see the movie, you have now been adequately warned.

Positives first. I had a lot of fun watching this film. A lot of the jokes hit me just right and it was nice seeing something so original. Initially, I felt that the storyline with the Kens oppression in Barbieland was such a smart and funny commentary on the toy line. I distinctly remember playing ‘Stupid Ken’ with my sister, where Barbie would repeatedly reject his proposals. So for the most part it accurately portrayed my experiences growing up and playing with Barbies. Acting was great, sets were perfect, Margot Robbie’s wigs were immaculate.

So, this is why I only liked it and not loved it.

Barbie has two storylines. Storyline A is that Barbie suddenly develops an existential crisis and travels to the ‘real world’ to find out who has been playing with her. Storyline B is that Ken’s identity revolves around Barbie until he discovers that men rule the ‘real world’. In my opinion, both of these storylines are good. My biggest problem is that after the midpoint, Storyline B becomes Storyline A and then Storyline A just pilfers out of existence. Everything that is set up in the first half of the movie is magically solved for no reason. “And now Gloria’s daughter is totally fine with Barbie and has a relationship with her mother again.” “And now the Mattel executives pose no real threat to anyone.” “And now no one has an existential crisis anymore.”

What happened to Storyline A??? It was so strong but then there was hardly any follow through. In my personal opinion, Storyline A was the stronger of the two. Barbie was the PERFECT medium for that story! A perfect doll with everything she could ever want decides to become ‘real’ because the ups and downs of life are more fulfilling. I thought that was an insanely beautiful message. The scene where she sits on the bench and examines all the imperfections and nuances of the real world made me cry! (Don’t lie. You cried when she saw an elderly lady for the first time and said that she was beautiful. Admit it.)

But then Greta filed it away. It was like she never-minded the whole storyline. I mean, yeah, “I’m Just a Ken” was fun, but not fun enough to completely derail the story. Patriarchy already takes over everything in my womanly life, why does it have to have my fun Barbie movie too? And speaking of the word ‘patriarchy’ lol. Like I get that was supposed to be the humor of the film and I laughed the first time it was said (“Barbie, why didn’t you tell me about patriarchy?”). But if you drank every time they said the word ‘patriarchy’ after that you would be in the hospital getting your stomach pumped. Everything was SO on the nose like that. When America Ferrara went into her speech I felt like I was reading a Twitter thread or something. It wasn’t any new information for me. Girl, I know the expectations for women are impossible, please tell me how to accept my fear of death and cellulite.

And honestly, despite the thematic pounding I still enjoyed that storyline. I’m not trying to take away Ken’s Mojo Dojo Casa House, I just wanted it to remain B storyline, you know? Like y’all got me invested in this mother-daughter, existential crisis, flat foot, several executives riding a pink bike into Barbieland thing. In the end when they literally said, “But what about Barbie?” I was like YEAH HELLO??

So… okay… I know that script doctoring a Best Original Screenplay nomination is a ridiculously bold claim for someone who writes John Lennon fanfics… … But this is how I would have written the ending lol.

I think Sasha should have either refused to go with them or run away from Barbieland. Then Gloria would have made the decision to chase after her into the real world. Later in the film, Sasha would find her mother crying next to Barbie’s dream house in her room and holding the Mojo Dojo Casa Ken from Mattel. Sasha feels temporarily sorry for Gloria, remembering that her mother missed playing dolls with her she picks up Barbie and pretends to ask Ken why he is crying. Their conversation mirrors Barbie and Ken’s conversation in Barbieland happening at the same time. After the dual heart to heart scenes, Gloria and Ken realize that they have purpose outside of their relationship to Sasha and Barbie. They make the decision to become their own people and follow their own dreams. During the conversation, Barbie and Sasha apologize and vow to be kinder to those around them. Both Barbie and Sasha have a deep realization that they want to be real. For Sasha, putting away her meanest-girl-in-school facade to become a genuine version of herself. And for Barbie, literally real.

Then cut back to the original script where Ruth Handler’s ghost arrives for Barbie and Billie Eilish sing-whispers us out with the most beautiful song of the year.

I mean I don’t know. I guess it’s sort of nitpicky of me. Overall, I enjoyed the film just fine. Using my mom’s movie rating I would give it a C+ or a B-, which means if I were at a party and someone wanted to watch it I definitely would.

It was a’ight. Still recommend.